I (30F) have been casually dating this guy for the last 8 months. We text all the time, and meet up occasionally. It’s a situation that seemed mutually beneficial and we’re enjoying it. Because of how casual our relationship is and my personal boundaries, we only make out with heavy petting. I refuse to have oral or penetrative sex with him as we’re not exclusive. In our conversations, we’ve shared our kinks and general likes/dislikes. He seems to have a kink for choking. A kink I don’t share, and I made it clear in one of our conversations.
However, last time we were making out, he decided to choke me. He claims he wanted to introduce it to me to see if I’ll enjoy it. So, I got up and left. I was livid. I felt betrayed and violated all at once. Afterwards, he apologized, but I didn’t accept his apology because it wasn’t a complete apology. I eventually told him I’ll never feel safe with him and I broke up with him.
It’s been almost a month and I still can’t get over it. My family is telling me that I’m more emotionally withdrawn. Now I’m wondering if I have been traumatized? Obviously something to sort out with a therapist.
29 comments
I’ve never had a guy go ahead with choking without ASKING if it’s ok first.
Your feelings are valid as this counts as assault. It’s good that you cut ties with him as he is clearly an unsafe person to be around. I hope you can get help from a therapist soon and work through this. All the best.
Well, he’s an idiot and I guess technically it’s assault, but your reaction to it is a concern. I’m guessing you have past trauma which was triggered, so I definitely something to sort out in therapy.
In this context, it’s definitely assault but your local state or provincial laws may vary in determining whether it’s sexual assault. I would think it is because of the context that it was during an intimate moment. Good luck
Choking is only okay when it’s consensual and discussed in detail before. It’s never okay to do that to someone without asking first. You absolutely had every right to leave immediately.
Yes, you were assaulted in a sexual context. It’s not sexual assault in the sense of unwanted penetration, but it was something you clearly expressed you didn’t want and he did it knowing you had firmly said no. That’s assault. And of course that’s traumatizing.
You were right not to accept this apology—he was completely out of line and an apology does not erase what he did. He seriously could have killed you. Even experienced Doms and Dommes often shy away from choking, especially with a new partner, because any underlying health condition or tiny error can cause death. It’s not something to be taken lightly and no matter what people may say on reddit there is no completely safe way to practice choking (only safER ways, no safe way). And it should never, EVER, be practiced without consent.
Speak with a therapist. And know you could file charges if you wanted to.
That’s assault. I don’t know if it technically counts as sexual assault, but definitely counts as assault. And domestic violence, since it is someone you were in a relationship with at the time. He took advantage of your intimacy, and I’m not surprised that was traumatic. I hope therapy will be able to help you work through the trauma.
Idk if it’s sexual assault, but he definitely crossed a line.
You can’t just choke people to “introduce them to it”.
That’s fcking inappropriate. I think you have a right to feel violated OP
You don’t introduce someone to rough play by just whipping it on them. That’s absolutely assault and you’re not wrong. And yes, it can and likely has triggered trauma in you.
Good on you for healthy boundaries and stopping it, and breaking it off. That bodes well for you, mentally, and in the future.
The normal way to go about this in my experience is just touching the neck and then escalate to asking. This guy was way out of line and it’s horrible that he did exactly what you laid out as non-negotiable. This one’s for all the guys out there complaining about women not saying no or not explaining their preferences and then claiming assault. This is why men are dangerous and we’re right to be careful. I’m glad you were in a good position to drop him and never look back. You’re right about the therapy, it’s a difficult thing to recover from.
if it isnt consensual it is battery.
it is also a common kink, probably second to spanking. but yeah like anything else it has to be consensual.
Idk, sounds like a bad move on his part.
You made it clear what your boundaries are. He should have listened. I don’t “accidentally do something that my sexual partner said is a no go”.
Is it sexual assault? Grey area. Is it a bad thing? Definitely.
This has happened to me twice by now, and imo it is assault. I felt violated, too. One of them used to be a friend and Ive never been able to forgive him.
This is crazy. If you don’t share a kink and he tried to hurt you than this isn’t a relationship you can be in. You need to go out and find someone who is into more regular sexual activity. These kinds of things are very rare. If you having sex how do get off on hurting someone. This man has a serious issue and I would stay away from him.
I am man so I am coming from this from a perspective as a matter of a healthy productive relationship.
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What an idiot.
You always ask for consent first when trying something with someone. Not saying this would’ve been the case, but, in general, you could have a much better chance changing someone’s mind about a kink if you actually consider them by asking for consent and approaching the act gently and slowly (like choking for example, he could’ve asked you first and only held your neck lightly at first just to get you comfortable and see if even *that* was something you would feel ok with) but instead he just went for it and made it that much worse since you had literally already made it clear you weren’t into it.
It could’ve been a one time shitty choice on his part that doesn’t encapsulate him as a person, or it could have, but either way I think you made the best choice for yourself. It involves your boundaries and your safety (not just in general but literally because choking is not a light kink – you could seriously hurt someone). I’m sure it sucks but time is all you need.
🙄 go ask a cop ya doorknob
There’s a way to very gently put your hand on someone’s throat and ask “are you okay with this?” You absolutely don’t just do that shit without making sure the person is into it
How did he choke you and for how long?
Get off reddit with yo dumbass
He needs to learn how to ask for consent
i’m so sorry this happened to you love but i don’t necessarily know if it would be considered sa or battery. it wasn’t consensual and you made it very clear to him that you were not okay with him doing that. but, trauma is different for everyone. only you will be able to tell if it’s traumatic or not and if it shakes you up that bad it most likely is.
It’s assault. Run! Press charges. This guy is trouble.
I wouldn’t Say assault but a line was crossed. because you talked about it. choking his very normal. it’s something I’ve never asked about. it’s not like knock on the back door like surprise. But I’m also not choking the life out of someone either unless they ask during the process, usually my hand is around the neck for grip.
Kick him in the balls to introduce it to him!
Bad joke, sorry that happened to you.
It was absolutely assault and whoever thinks differently should get real and cut down their porn consumption.
I wouldn’t say that’s sexual assault. He has a kink n checked, I don’t agree with what he did. Breaking up was probably the right thing to do it doesn’t sound like you two are compatible.
I’ve met a few women who liked to be chocked. If that’s not your thing then it’s not your thing. If you keep him around and he does it again. Then I’d say yes. That’s assault
It’s probably a good idea for you to reach out to find a counselor to talk with so you can really process what happened and how you handled it. I’m very glad that you broke up with him because that is an egregious and inexcusable violation of consent.
It’s possible that it could be legally classified as sexual assault because it happened in a sexual context and it was an admitted sexual kink for him. Regardless of the legal classification of the incident, your physical and emotional safety was violated by someone you trusted. That is more than traumatic enough to warrant giving yourself a safe space with a professional counselor to work through your feelings.
You wouldn’t feel this way if what he did was okay. Never minimise your feelings, they are there for a reason.