Background: I have never been in a relationship and previously I always just confessed to my crushes on the last day of school and then running away. I always believed that the best relationships have a friendship as a strong foundation. Now I’m an international student studying my Masters in the US, and working in the college’s dining court. I have a student supervisor who is really nice. There was an incident one day at work where I spilled 5 gallons of chocolate milk on myself and he helped me to mop it up for 1 hour. He left after I wanted to look for him to thank him so I sent him a thank you email after that but received no response. I just assumed that he probably think I’m weird (I know I have low self esteem). But I decided to thank him by giving him a snack as a gift, he reacted unexpectedly by hugging it and squealing.
Fast forward to 2 months later, my friends told me that I should ask him to hang out as friends first because they know how I’m having trouble making friends in America and he seems like a nice person to be friends with. Now I don’t know anything about him, he could be gay or not, but I just assume he has a girlfriend like most people do. So when I asked for his number, I framed it by first asking if he hang out with people from work outside of work, I’m trying to show that me wanting to hang out with him should be viewed in the same way as him hanging out with other coworkers. He said “some of them but not all of them”. So I asked well does he want to hang out one day sometime. And he said that depends on the details like the time and place. So I said ok can I have his number then so I can send him the information.
Maybe he felt obligated to give his real number because I put him on the spot (even though I thought with my framing questions he had plenty of opportunities to back out or subtly bring up that he is busy outside of work bc of his girlfriend). When I texted him that hey do he want to grab a drink or bite this week, he first said maybe some other time, which I inferred to mean “no way”. So I just said no problem, maybe next time we can invite more people from work to all hang out together. I mean even if he had agreed, I was only planning on asking him about work anyway, like what are some interesting stories that happened. I wasn’t asking him to do any date activities like movies.
What really shocked me was suddenly hours later at midnight he sent a long ass text: “I don’t want to paint any misconceptions or do something stupid accidentally. I don’t know if you like me in a romantic way or not. If you do, I don’t want to lead you on or do anything rude to you so I’m mentioning now that I have a girlfriend. If you like me, I’m sorry and I hope I didn’t mislead you in any way, shape or form.”
TBH I feel really misunderstood (so opposite gender people can’t be friends?) and hurt (wow am I so undesirable to be friends with?). I just replied and said “i am sorry for causing a misunderstanding. all along you have been nothing but professional, and i definitely don’t have any ulterior motives, i am aware that will be wildly inappropriate. i’m also not the type of girl to chase after someone else’s boyfriend. being an international student is hard and i was hoping to make friends from work. i’m not too familiar with American culture so if there’s anything i did to make you feel uncomfortable or awkward pls chalk it up to the cultural differences”.
I told my friends and they said that due to the combination of email+gift+asking for phone number over a 3 month period it is very logical for him to misconstrue that I am hitting on him. I’m quitting so I don’t have to interact with him at work bc I don’t like confrontations (i dont even want to ask him why he ignored my email) or awkwardness.
My questions are, so am I not supposed to want to do the right thing (thanking someone or giving them a gift for helping me in case they think I’m obsessed with them), not supposed to ask guys for their numbers and asking them to hang out (bc if they liked me they will ask me first?) AITA? He is not particularly tall or handsome so I wasn’t expecting him to be narcissistic enough to think I like him lol. Has it even crossed his mind for 1 second that maybe I may not want to date someone outside my race? Could he have handled it more subtly, such as avoiding me at work than sending a text after even choosing to give me his number? I just find it incredibly frustrating people are psychoanalyzing my actions. NGL I feel very stressed and embarrassed now.
2 comments
You sound obsessively inappropriate.
I suspect there’s quite a few details you’re leaving out….
Hey I have a few females I know that have been in your situation , and making friends does seem to be a challenge due to cultural barrier.
First, confrontation is widely normal and asking a person of the opposite gender in the US comes with clarifying some intentions.
What this guy did is immediately let you know that he is taken, and still gave you his number in case you want to hang out as friends and nothing else. Second, there is no need to feel embarrassed, you can continue talking to him but try to maintain some boundaries so that your actions won’t be misconstrued as flirting.