I deleted this because I was afraid he would see it. Here’s the synopsis:
3 months into dating we’re not having as much sex as I would like. Early on he was vocal about how excited he was to have sex with me, he claimed to be a very sexual person, said he had lots of sex with him previous FWB and ex partner. He’s also said that I’m way out of his league and that he’s not used to being with someone who gets so much attention from other men.
When we started having sex, he had some issues staying hard. He can get hard but he goes soft again anytime I need a new position or want to try something different and he has to stimulate himself in between. Sometimes he can’t recover at all and we just need to do something else. I’d say this has happened 3-4 times so far.
Recently he stopped initiating sex with me entirely but he will still do it if I hint that I’m in the mood. It feels like it’s a chore to him.
Yesterday we were watching a movie and I tried to make out with him. His response was “you’re so horny” and let’s finish the movie. He dragged his feet but eventually said he wanted to have sex, and it was like…pity sex that felt awful and made me feel so unattractive.
The bottom line is…is this salvageable? It’s killing my confidence in bed and how I feel about my appearance. He’s very emotionally invested and expresses that in many other ways. But I need sex to feel emotionally connected and it’s just difficult to talk to him about.
43 comments
As someone in the same boat, it’s worth a conversation. I spoke to my doctor to help our relationship. It’s a fixable situation. Good luck.
Three years later… imagine how you’re going to feel.
Has he looked into resolving his performance anxiety? Is he aware the lack of initiative towards sex makes you feel unattractive? Right now it sounds like he is just ignoring the issue. Is his ED caused by stress, medication, or something else? It could be resolved by something as simple as getting a prescription.
How much porn does he watch? For some, the constant overstimulation from watching porn and ever more “exotic” scenes or types of porn to get the same feeling causes issues like this.
Overcome a sexless relationship, or overcome ED?
The former no, sex it a major building block in my relationships. No sex, no real intimacy.
The latter, he will need to be open to talking about it and seeking help. Your way of handling is really important too.
Good luck.
Speaking as someone who got out of a dead bedroom relationship, I recommend you strongly consider ending it soon. Even in my dead bedroom relationship we were having frequent enthusiastic sex three months in, so the fact that he’s already complaining that you’re “too horny” is a bad sign. You can try working with him on this but honestly in all likelihood it will only get worse. I’m sorry.
If he was excited about sex but can’t perform, i have a feeling that he might be getting off to porn which hinders him when its actually time to have sex with you. Maybe he tries to avoid it when its too soon after he jerked off or something.
The more this happens, the more he will get in his head about it too so it’s a double whammy. His comment about you being horny all the time isn’t really helping the situation either.
ask him about what he does on his own time…
because like you said, 3 months in, you should be having a very active sex life if all is well..
To overcome it, he has to actively be pursuing the avenues available to him to “fix” it. If he isn’t, the quality of your sex life isn’t that important to him imo.
If my partner had that type of attitude after communicating my needs, I’d remove myself. I need a fulfilling sex life to maintain a romantic interest in someone.
I wouldn’t walk away yet. It sounds like y’all have a good connection outside of sex. Do you think he’d see a doc about the ED? Or perhaps therapy to help treat his anxiety. If he’s unwilling to try to work on things then that’s a problem but if he’s a nice guy just having some ED issues I think it’s worth trying to working through.
You need to have a good conversation … put your foot down, and make your needs known. Of course, you don’t want to make things worse, so be sensitive to his feelings. Now, the both of you need to be ok with sex not always including PIV … hands/fingers, mouth, and toys are all viable options. He should also see a doctor if he hasn’t already.
It’s good to remember that the journey is half the fun.
And, finally, if he refuses to play ball, DTMFA.
Viagra ?
Had this issue in one of my relationships though he didn’t stop initiating (I did because I was caught in this loop you’re in) and finally I ended the relationship as he was not taking any action towards improving the situation and I could not deal with the constant anxiety-ED loop anymore. It began to bleed into every aspect of the relationship because I kept trying to prevent the loop by rejecting sex and then he would get upset I was rejecting anything that led to sex and then I’d cave and then ED happened, repeat.
ED that hasn’t been addressed by him is now a dealbreaker of mine. When you go to dump them they always swear they’ll immediately take care of it but only when they think you’re going to walk. If you stay they’ll do nothing and make you deal with the fall out.
My last boyfriend had ED and I toughed through it because I truly loved him and thought we would be together for a long time. Well that didn’t happen. I spent a year without sex and got burned at the end by him. The ED I could live with as he still did oral and stuff on me and we had a great sexlife nonetheless. However it was the porn addiction and unwillingness to get help for any of it. He told me his ex wife made him go to SA before and that should’ve been enough of a red flag. He also refused any type of therapy, doctor appointments, etc to try to get help for the ED.
I have come across this in my previous relationships with guys in their early 30s. One suggestion is that he may have low testosterone. I think what is important to note is if he works on it/tries to figure out why he has low libido—especially after hearing how it makes you feel.
My current partner has trauma that hinders our sex life. While I know he likes me a lot (may even love me) and it’s not something he can control, it still adds to my low self-esteem. I feel the same as you do—undesirable, unattractive. I remind myself that I’m working on myself and he is too, for both our sakes. We choose each other. It’s difficult but we’re still physically and emotionally close. For now, that’s enough for me. Would it be enough for you?
In contrast, my last partner didn’t do jack shit about it and avoided anything emotional. That still affects me today. If you think he’ll go down this route, say goodbye.
If he’s smart he’ll get some cialis or viagra and use it for a confidence boost. If it’s happen 3-4 times in a few months thats not a ton but the fact that he’s nervous about sex now can lead to a vicious feed back loop of anxiety and ED. Try and be supportive and tell him that you are hear for him and if that doesn’t give him a kick in the butt to try something like meds temporarily then you can make a decision about it.
I just wanna say 1 to 2x a week is actually fine for anyone out there reading this and thinking “wow my sex life is so horrible”.
No thats average or above average. Feel free to have more but like, 1 to 2 times is *fine*
You said he’s a very sexual person?
Does he have a high sex drive or no? If so what do you mean about him being a very sexual person put of interest
from what my friends have gone through, the biggest hindrance in these situations is the guy refusing to take action to solve the problem. They (friends) always are coming from an understanding/no judgment perspective but the guy will just be like *therapy? no. having a convo about this? def no.*
People overcome all sorts of things but if he’s not INVESTED in changing, he won’t. So if that seems to be the case don’t wait for it.
I was once that guy in the relationship with my very first girlfriend back when I was an incredibly anxious and insecure person. After months of failed attempts at sex, I decided to go see the doctor. He concluded the cause for my ED was not physical and I got prescribed some Viagra. From the very first time I tried it, I could have sex without any trouble and it definitely gave me the confidence I needed to keep it hard. Then I never had to take those pills again.
That’s exactly how my bf was for several months into our relationship. He’d been single for 3 years, celibate and such. I think he got used to masturbating because he’d get hard, but when it came time for sex, he’d lose it. He also did the same “you’re too hot for me” and I think that took a toll on his psyche.
I’m happy to say it worked itself out with a lot of patience on both of our ends. I would always tell him it’s ok and still mess around when he’d lose his erection. Slowly but surely his confidence started building up and now he never has that issue.
I had this problem with my girlfriend I would get extremely nervous and not be able to hold an erection. I watched porn to get off by myself but not an insane amount.
Everytime she would kiss me I assumed it meant she wanted sex. Then I constantly thought about not being able to perform and satisfy her which gave me anxiety made everything worse. At one point I didn’t even want to try anymore because of how shitty it made me feel if it didn’t work. So at this point our bedroom was basically dead.
We were watching married at first sight and pastor Cal gave advice to one of the couples on the show that actually solved our problem lol. Let him know sex is off the table and just be intimate and make out with him. Make sure when you do this that you do not expect it to lead to sex.
We tried that and after awhile I would just relax and not feel pressured. I ended up finally initiating things and having sex with her regularly. Also I just focused on myself and my pleasure at first and didn’t really think about her, when I did that my ED went away completely. Eventually I got the confidence back up where our sex life is back to normal.
He needs to stop masturbating when you’re not around and save it. There’s lots of stuff online about this. Check out Caitlyn V on YouTube and her website. Also Conor and Brittany. He shouldn’t be doing anything to himself that you can’t do with your body, he needs to get used to you. Again, there’s literature about this if you seek out resources!
Tell him to stop wanking for a week and get back to you. Whether he can have that restraint in a relationship is a whole other matter
Anti depressants cause this and it sounds like he is anxious so yeah, probably that. I found viagra worked.
How’s his health overall? Many times improving diet and fitness can reduce or resolve a lot of those issues.
Best move here is to just tell him how he turns you on and how good he makes you feel and you love your intimate time together with him. This will help him relax and naturally this problem likely works itself out. If no improvement after a few months suggest he discuss it with his primary care physician.
One possible cause is that he has a porn addiction and/or is masturbating too much and using a “death grip”.
>I’m the one initiating, he’s always got an excuse but eventually gives in.
>
>Last night I tried to make out with him during a movie and he said “you’re so horny all the time”
Throw in the fact that *you don’t even make out* at this point, and that would be hard for me to handle.
If you believe that talking about this is just causing him to get up in his head, then one approach might be to tell him “You know, after your comment the other night I worry I might be putting you on the spot for intimacy recently. If it’s okay with you, I’m going to leave it to you to initiate for now. You know I’m generally game, so just let me know when you are too.”
Then just give it a couple weeks. If you see things return to normal, then that’s great. If the relationship continues to be devoid of physical intimacy even when there’s no pressure, then maybe the sexual connection just isn’t there and it’s time to move on.
It’s fixable if he wants it to be, ED can be worked with however low libido and high libido are usually just incompatible. Good luck
My ex had already addressed his ED, as it dealt with low testosterone. I have met many men with this issue and it affects multiple aspects of a person’s life, not just sex drive. Its worth the effort to educate yourself about it. Perhaps there is a way to discuss this possibility with him.
“ Early on he told me that he’s a very sexual person, he was super eager to have sex”
This may be an unpopular opinion but someone like this could use porn extensively. Excessive Porn use can cause ED.
Edit: reading through the comments. Others have mentioned this.
Porn.
Tell him to quit porn.
ED is one of those things where the more you have it, the more anxious you are going to get, and the more likely you‘ll be to get ED.
An easy fix is to get a cialis prescription through ForHims or some other online pharmacy and use that for a few weeks to get over the anxiety bump.
The harder problem to fix is his unwillingness to take care of your needs unless he can get something out of it.
It’s porn
I’m 38 and sometimes have ED issues and performance anxiety. He can easily talk to a doctor about it and get a prescription to help with that. That’s what I did.
He may not be honest with himself with either his a) low libido, or b) ED, or c) both. A lot of guys like to talk a big game in this dept but clearly he has nothing to back it up with. I totally get why you feel the way you do since he was talking it up. But very likely you are not the problem or cause.
I do hope you realize that this is probably the way he is long term, or at least how things will be for you two long term. By all means, talk to him about this. But in my experience, this type of thing doesn’t improve.
If nothing improves quickly I would cut your losses. Because you don’t sound sexually compatible. And when someone turns you down on a regular basis and isn’t into it, it will destroy your confidence. Been there, done that. Never again
Tell him to quit jerking it so hard to porn
As a man who has been embarrassed by this before, I almost guarantee you that this entirely about him and likely has nothing whatsoever to do with you or your attractiveness. When the ED thing happens once or twice, it becomes the focus of one’s mind, making it difficult to maintain an erection when it’s time to perform because one becomes focused on keeping it up which makes it impossible to enjoy the moment. It can ruin the sex for both parties.
32 with this much ED and you can’t even talk to him about it? Just no. Get out before your self-esteem is demolished. You are too young to be dealing with such nonsense.
I’m in a new relationship with someone having a bit of ED. We’ve talked about porn, masturbation etc and we’re pretty sure it’s new relationship anxiety. I reassure him it’s ok and we do other things. He’s VERY open about talking about it though and hasn’t turned it into a problem about me. I’m concerned about how your guy is responded to/refusing to talk about it. Maybe it isn’t a sign but it makes me worry how he’ll handle other issues in the relationship further down the road. It’s important to be comfortable talking about things intimately with each other. I’d try talking to him about it again and make sure he knows it’s important to be able to talk through difficult things.
For me sometimes condoms are an issue. By the time I get the damn thing on my hard on is going down. Also some women just lay there and do nothing. A little help would be nice to stay aroused.
Other than that, if he improves his diet and exercise he should be fine. He’ll know the changes are working when he begins to experience morning wood more often.
Be really intimate with him and by intimate I mean TALK TO HIM. If you want to have a real relationship you’re gonna have to communicate with your partner and not calm up and build negatives into your bond.
Address the sensitive nature of the convo and come at it from love and it will all work out.
He’s addicted to porn