Been going through a reallly hard time with physical intamcy with the wife.
Since the start if the year we have had sex a total of 5 tines.
Anytime i try and talk about it the defensive attitide comes up followed by the attack.
I konw that’s a self preservation tactic and whenever i try to speak honestly and from the bottom of my soul its “not the right time”
20 comments
r/DeadBedrooms ?
I think you have a stroke
If you’re as good in bed as you are with a keyboard, I understand the situation…
More seriously, have you ever asked her why she doesn’t want to have sex with you? There are plenty of possible reasons.
And by “asking why” I don’t mean “try to convince her because you’re horny”. Just have a real talk about it. What you feel and that you think there is a problem on this particular facet of your relationship and that because you care about her, you would like to know why she isn’t in the mood or doesn’t want to have sex with you.
But be prepared : you may not like what she’ll tell you. But it’s the only way to solve the problem.
Would be interesting what the defence and attack is.
The intimacy of me and my wife hasn’t changed since we were dating.
BUT we take good care of our self. Being visually pleasing as well as keeping the fire alive is probably the reason for the lack of change.
Do you come from a culture that practices arranged marriages by any chance? (Guessing by the typos)
Ok so there’s no set certain amount of time, everyone is different so it just depends. But if you guys have only had sex 5 times in almost a year and your SO gets on the defensive whenever you try to talk about it than it seems like you have bigger problems than just the lack of sex.
A. you are drunk, get some sleep. B. She is getting it somewhere else. C. Hit the gym and get hot, if she still shoots you down divorce and find a younger hotter woman.
I’d say atleast 2hrs daily ; not for intimacy , but for you to learn to write English using correct grammar and spellings.
Couple therapy, it sounds like its going to end if you dont do something.
100 times a day.
Edited the text because i didnt have my glasses on and doing it from a phone
Sorry for ttying to open up feeling really low and emotional and most of the comments are about silly spelling mistakes
Hi. Talking about it won’t make your wife want sex unfortunately. You have quite a bit of work to do here so know that before you begin.
You have to treat your wife the same way you did when you were dating. That means going out on dates and focusing on having fun. No serious topics of conversation whilst on dates. Focus on having a great time with her.
Do not expect sex after the dates. But if you feel like she might be open to it, make a move. If you’re rejected you must shrug it off like it doesn’t bother you. Nothing more unappealing to a woman than the feeling of desperation emanating from a man.
Get a hobby that gets you out of the house regularly. Absence will allow her feelings to develop.
When she’s clearly pissed off or having a bad day and you ask her what’s up and she says ‘nothing’ you have to keep digging and when she tells you, it’s your job to get her to keep talking about the problem until she’s resolved it in her head. Do not try to fix it unless she asks you for advice. If you’re struggling to determine if she wants your advice, ask her if she wants advice or just wants you to listen.
You have to make her feel heard and understood. Repeat some of what she’s saying back to her. This will help you understand where she’s coming from and she’ll appreciate it.
For whatever reason she’s closed herself up to you. The good news is that with a bit of time and effort on your part you can improve things and reignite the passion.
You have to become unshakable. Handle problems with confidence and always do what you say you will do.
Look at the amount of effort she’s physically putting in around the house. Can you take some of the load off her plate? How can you help her relax?
You have to understand she’s an emotional being and operates from that perspective. What you have done in the past X years doesn’t matter. Only how she feels about you in this moment.
In summary:
Date her consistently (but not on the same day each week, mix it up)
Work to make her feel heard and understood
Create space. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
Handle business confidently and with purpose
Share the load around the house.
If you’re bringing your problems to her with an attitude of ” I have a problem and there’s no way to fix it” Stop.
No more negativity, handle your shit
If she begins to try and fuck with the plans or push your buttons emotionally it’s because she’s testing you to see if you’re really making a change. Do not prove her right by getting emotionally affected. Smile instead and change the subject.
This could look like:
bringing up something that has been bothering you. Saying things that would usually get a rise out of you. Comparing you to her friends husbands / boyfriends (so and so does this or that)
See this for what it is. Testing. Pass the tests and do the above and after 6 months of you giving 100% you will either notice that things have improved or notice they haven’t. If they haven’t that’s a whole different conversation.
Best of luck
Hate to break it to you but this is what happened with my ex. The relationship is basically over.
I had this with my ex-wife. She was sleeping with someone else
Some people have sex two times a year, some have it two times a week. There’s not really a set amount.
Suggest couples therapy and emphasize that you really want to reconnect on a mental and physical level with her again.
A solid sex life is what keep intimacy and attraction alive in a relationship. With out it there really isn’t a loving marriage in my opinion. It doesn’t need to be every day but once every couple of months is a huge red flag. You aren’t being satisfied and it may offend some folks but the truth is that’s were the relationship ends. If she isn’t interested in satisfying you it usually means she’s either getting it somewhere else or she doesn’t care about the marriage in general anymore. I’d say have one more honest conversation about the situation, doesn’t mean guilt trip into sex. But work a date night to try to bring romance back into it or seek out counseling.
r/Deadbedrooms
i think fighting is the kind of intimicy people have in their thirties but anyways you should have a chat with your wife i think somethink/some thought is troubling her
Is she on any birth control? My wife was on the pill and we were averaging about 1 a week. As soon as she went off it sue would jump me 3 times a day. Both late 30’s.
Does she masturbate? Does she watch porn or read erotica? What time of the day does she get horny and does it line up with yours? Has she started any new medications? Has she had any health changes? How drastic of a change is this for her or were you always mismatched? What toys does she use?
I always had a healthy libido but once I hit 30 I went from masturbating daily to at least twice a day minimum. We have sex about every other day because my husband is lower libido. To encourage him to have more sex with me I work out several times a week. I wear clothes I know he finds sexy. I will text him early in the day telling him about how I want to have sex with him, for example I texted him this morning telling him I wanted to ride him tonight. That gives him an entire day to mentally prepare for getting his dick hard. I also give him windows of time, which by now is just approach me anytime you are horny, but one of his complaints was he didn’t know when to approach me so I told him any time after my bath and before bed. So I tell him when I am taking my bath and that gives him at least 30 minutes to wrap up whatever he is doing. We also use color system, green-dtf, yellow- willing to be seduced, red- not tonight. It cuts down on the sting of rejection and for him it doesn’t feel like I am always pressuring him. Don’t take it personally and try not to make her feel bad about herself. I’m not sure how to make her feel more comfortable communicating with you because it is hard to fix the problem when you don’t know what the problem is. Is she receptive to helping you out even if she doesn’t want to get off?