My uncle passed away today. It was not unexpected. He was elderly and had been fighting multiple cancers and slipped into a coma yesterday. My aunt/family is having the funeral on Friday. Problem is, I live on the complete other side of the country.
He was a great uncle, and I’d love to be there, but there are several factors at hand. My wife and I have a trip to Vegas this weekend with another couple for the 30th birthday of one of the folks in the other couple, Friday-Monday, mostly already paid for.
Well, family is a fairly big deal in our family. We are pretty close. And this was a great uncle to me. But flights back home for the funeral are over $1,000; and since I’ve already got the other trip paid for, if anything, I would fly back on Thursday night for the Friday funeral and fly back out on Friday night to get to Vegas. All in all, that’s 20 hours of travel in a 36-hour timespan (prior to several days in Vegas). And only about 9 waking hours to see my family and attend the funeral.
My wife and I will also be back there next month for Christmas, in an already-paid $1700 set of flights. My thoughts is that my wife and I can visit with my aunt then and take flowers to his burial plot and pay our respects then.
TL;DR: My uncle passed away and to get home to his funeral I’d have to spend a ton of money and travel a TON in a short time period, when I’ll be back in that area for a week next month. Do I ignore the guilt trips from my family and stand my ground with how expensive and how much travel time this is going to be.
11 comments
>My thoughts is that my wife and I can visit with my aunt then and take flowers to his burial plot and pay our respects then.
Sounds o.k. Is there a virtual broadcast of the funeral? Or, can someone facetime the ceremony to you?
I’d consider sending flowers to the funeral – something more immediate than waiting for your planned trip.
In my family that is the traditional way to say you are sorry you cannot attend but are thinking of the deceased.
I’m mixed on this. The point of a funeral isn’t entirely just to visit or pay respects. It’s also to support each other through the very hard loss and be there for each other. Give tight hugs, cry together if you feel that pain inside. I know your aunt will. It’s not exactly something you’re supposed to do on a Christmas holiday? It would definitely hurt the Christmas mood to start reminiscing of your uncle on Christmas when it will be her first year without him. Just a thought..
Otherwise, I do see your point. It is an extra expense and you did have plans. Unfortunately it’s not something that is often planned though. I know it would probably mean a lot to her for you to be there. She might understand if you can’t make it, but if family is very important in your family then I’m not sure Vegas is going to be seen as a more important occasion.
Have you talked to her about it at all? Or your parents perhaps?
Firstly, my condolences for the death of your uncle. Even when it’s expected, a loss is a loss.
I would encourage you to think about what you’d want if you were in the same shoes. So imagine 30+ years from now, you or your spouse passes away after a difficult illness. What would you want your nephew to do?
I ask this because you’re well within your right to keep your vacation plans, save your money, and pay your respects in person later. But what’s more important is whether this is aligned with your personal values.
For many people it will be. “You’re only young once.” “You should live your own life.” Many older folks have said these sorts of things.
But for others, they think that being there with family in times of loss and celebration is of high priority. It’s how you show your support and love.
So I say, make the choice you can live with.
Practically speaking… Are they the type to hold a grudge? Because usually this stuff blows over in a couple months and people forgive and forget.
You only have so much time/energy to care about stuff in life, and so this is the type of thing that most people will let go of as they get busy with the normal things in their lives.
Check if your travel insurance will cover cancellations.
Failing that though, you dont HAVE to go. It is a kindness though to show support for the bereaved. The relationship you had with the uncle isnt that relevant.
If you don’t go, call to send your regrets, and send flowers. And for the love of god do not post any pics or updates from the Vegas trip on social media, or let your friends post anything that includes you.
Can you transfer flight credits or something?
My best friend’s mother died back in February, but as much as I wanted to go to support her and her dad, I’d come down with a horrible cold the week before that kept me out of work and as such I couldn’t take any more days off (I live halfway across the country). I was able to get on the livestream for the funeral, and sent my friend a gift basket with a cuddly stuffed animal, and wrote a nice note on her mom’s memorial website page. When I went home for Memorial Day a few months later my friend and I went to visit her mom and we spent some time there crying, hugging, and reminiscing. There’s many things you can do to support your aunt and show your grief without exhausting yourself and spending another $1000 on flights two days in advance, and if your uncle was a good guy, he surely would have understood your predicament and encouraged you to do what made sense for you.
“I can’t afford it” is why many people don’t attend funerals. It’s normal.
I think your plan is just right.
Even in families where family is everything, people do understand that making it to a funeral on the other side of the country with 2 days notice isn’t always possible.
Send your flowers, card, call, and then visit your aunt and the gravesite next month.
Go to the funeral. It isn’t worth regretting it.