Well, here we go again. I finally had the courage to ask this guy friend of mine to go for drinks, just the two of us, and not with our other friends. His response was really positive. He said yes, explained what’s happening in his life lately (causing him to be busier than before), and gave the times he is free. He also pointed out that he appreciates me for being straight forward (I sent him a short paragraph to say my intentions of getting to know him better).
What’s really bothering me is his response times. 2 days? Really? This shows a lack of interest in my interpretation. I have gotten so much anxiety from this, and at this point I don’t think it’s worth it to even try. With that, I don’t think I’m going to push through with our plans.
Self sabotage, you can call it whatever you want. At this point, I’m really jaded because I’ve had experiences that I ended up getting really hurt because I couldn’t pick up that they weren’t genuinely interested. I am now very cautious, in every move and interaction. I hit rock bottom at that point and I don’t think I can forgive myself if I put myself in that position again.
I guess I’m just looking for words of encouragement, wise advice, anything that will make me feel better. I think he is a good guy, but this is how I know (by default) how to be safe, so I will leave him and the possibility of us alone.
25 comments
Did he explain why he didn’t reply, as you said above? I guess he may be busy with fair life, but even then, he should have said something about that within those two days. Just weird to me why a guy would accept your invitation and appreciate it and then reply two days later.
Here’s my take as a guy: you are overthinking it. he’s not interested.
Men take initiative and make advances on women that they’re interested in. That’s how we’re wired. You said that you approached him. Since he never approached you there never was any guarantee that he liked you in the first place.
In my experience it’s very rare for a woman to take the initiative and ask me out, it’s only happened to me once. However, I WAS interested in her so in that case I went “hell yeah!” and made solid date plans with her immediately. We saw each other about two days later and hit it off. See the difference?
The point is: when men are interested they act on it. No action=no interest. It’s that simple.
Sorry to be a downer, but I’m just being honest.
What you do is up to you but here’s what I recommend: in the future DON’T be the one to approach the guy. Doing so leads to ambiguity just like the situation you’re in right now and just causes headaches. If you like a guy then flirt with him and drop hints. If he likes you back then he’ll act on it.
He maybe was taken by surprise and needed time to think about it.
I would push thru with the plans and see if there is a vibe. If he pushes you off or reschedules I would not ask again.
Well first of all what has he been up to lately that has been keeping him busier?
Did he say abything about the late response?
I wouldn’t interpret it in any specific way. Many men intentionally wait a long time because women will punish them for being too needy if they respond back even within a day. You might not be one of those women, but do keep in mind he may have had a bad experience where being too available had him lose the girl.
I wouldn’t see the 2 day rule as late cuz as a guy I also take about the same amount of time tbh not because lack of interest but because I don’t like to pressure the woman too much
So does asking Reddit for dating advice… Never again
>What’s really bothering me is his response times. 2 days? Really? This shows a lack of interest in my interpretation. I have gotten so much anxiety from this, and at this point I don’t think it’s worth it to even try. With that, I don’t think I’m going to push through with our plans.
This is not overthinking. You see it as clear as it is.
He said he was busy…………………..
I don’t know, maybe he might be busy?
Sorry for the snark. But getting serious for a moment: I read through your other comments but still don’t have enough info to make an accurate assessment. No one here does really, we’re all just making our best guesses. YOU have all the info and context.
My best guess: You say you both rejected each other multiple times before. It’s possible he’s not entirely sure you are truly interested in him and he doesn’t want to be disappointed again. Or perhaps that you’ll lose interest after a short time… again… like the pattern you both followed before. It’s hard to say, it’s a tricky situation you two have made for yourselves.
Your title is correct by the way. I feel like you overthink the idea of relationships in general. Not just with this guy. Stop. Slow down. You have to find the right balance between being cautious but also allowing yourself to live for today and enjoy things. Just because a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean it failed. You have to eliminate that fear. The fear sabotages you and keeps you from happiness. Do not let the fear control you. Try things. Take risks (within reason of course).
I am a guy, I will tell you if I show a lot of interest in the beginning and then take a long time responding between text messages. It’s because I’m trying not to be overly attached too soon. I’ll sometimes wait a little bit to respond because in my life I usually always have my phone on me, so I feel like that immediate response is coming off as possibly creepy? Like I’m just hovering over my phone?
Also depending on how attracted I am to the person I’m texting, that gap can significantly increase as I am mind fucking myself trying to figure out the right thing to say and then analyzing how it might be wrong and rewriting my response and so on so forth.
Regardless though all you can do is move forward with your intentions and see where things go
I don’t get it, it sounds like a lack of interest, you said it sounds like a lack of interest. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck and introduces himself as Mr Duck it’s probably, y’know…
Also the way you are going about this is weird – ‘ask this guy friend of mine to go for drinks, just the two of us’…
I reckon he isn’t interested, sorry. And I would suggest if you want a date, ask for a date, because this honestly sounds a bit uncomfortable.
Not really
That could be his normal communication frequency. But you can decide if you want to accept that or not. I wouldn’t date a guy who doesn’t have 2 minutes to send me a text once a day. I wouldn’t be able to build any connection with texts every 2 days. Just not compatible!
You finally had the courage to ask him! That’s amazing! He may have taken two days to think about a response rather than just reacting to it. It seems to me like you’ve lost your courage. You can’t read his mind. Lock down the date, and then while on it say, “I was a little worried when I didn’t hear back from you right away…” and listen to how he responds. If this becomes something, you’ll actually need to communicate back and forth rather than trying to interpret each other’s intentions.
Be brave! You got this.
If he is really as busy as you say 2 days isn’t much. I work 12-15 hours a day 6 days a week and it takes me 2 days plus to get back to people sometimes. I’m worn out and the last thing I’m doing before I eat dinner and hit the sack is replying to stuff.
Give it some time. Or move on it’s your choice ultimately. For me it’s not about how fast or how long till someone reply’s If they are that busy. For me my brain is mush by the time I’m done and get home.
Busy people are just that. Some are really busy and some are just lazy. You’ll find out which one he is in short order.
I feel your doubts and overthinkings, so my advice is be more patient and give him a chance, see if he’s really busy or really just not interested. But if you said his response to you was positive then there’s a good chance that he is interested and just couldn’t find a time to reply back 🙂
This is happening to me. My boyfriend is the kind of guy who doesn’t like using his phone and when he’s doing something he will literally not use his phone and turn it off. So I overthink this a lot… “Am I a joke to you” “Do you really love me” “Does he still love me” “is he cheating on me” even before he became my bf he’s always replying late.
This isn’t overthinking, it’s paying attention to actions over words.
He’s not a match, his energy and enthusiasm isn’t what you want and it’s just good practice to notice and act based on the mismatch before you get invested and hurt by someone who isn’t equally excited to spend time with you.
If he’s playing games and being slow on purpose? That’s bad too, and you don’t want that bullshit either.
Don’t beat yourself up, just keep looking for the person who gets you and wants to be with you.
Yea. Just. Do. It. DONT LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS 😤
Congrats girl!! I love that you WENT for it! If anything— let this be a testament to your confidence level that is growing — and not a reflection of your worth and value based on his delayed response.
I totally understand your feelings on the lack of quickness of his reply but he did respond so I’m sure he’s interested!
Society has taught us ladies to take it one man at a time, instead of getting to know more than one at a time. It’s simply an outdated way of behaving. There is a way to be chased by men who want to take you out and keep you for themselves. I coach women through this process all the time.
For now, I hope you remain proud of yourself to put yourself out there. Go out with him and also think about opening yourself up to getting to know others as well. Xo
I think the healthiest thing for you to do is to stop (1) strategizing based on his behavior. (2) daydreaming what an imaginary, salutary, future with him would be like. (3) focus on yourself in the present moment and act according to your heart, not your fears. (4) stop associating his actions with the pain caused by another person. This isn’t an abusive red flag, he’s not drinking himself to sleep every night (presumptively) it’s just 24 hours of his life that you have zero knowledge about what was going on for him.
Do you like him now? Go on the date. Your previous struggles over mutual intentions are painful because you have created expectations about the person that they were not capable of meeting. During the date you could even bring up the response time, jokingly, and say how nervous you were that you would never hear back from him. You will have to be transparent with him in the future for your relationship to be healthy, why not start now?
You haven’t gone on a date with him yet, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to postpone a response if they care about the quality of the content. He’s clearly explained that he’s a busy person.
My years as a Doctoral Candidate were awful for interpersonal communication outside of my degree. When my partner met me she was so patient and understanding, it was one of the foundations in our relationship that brought me a feeling of security because she was never upset if I was busy, so long as time spent with her clearly displayed my reciprocal affection – we both gave but rarely asked. And it took me two weeks to reply to her first text. ☺️
Before you cut him off completely I would recommend going out with him and seeing if this has a chance. But I understand why you are hesitating.
How long ago was your last relationship? If it was more than six months this is ok to try out but if it was less than six months I would give it some time to recover your last relationship. You need to have some breathing room between to really understand what happened. Like maybe he cheated or you broke it off ignoring the signs of disinterest
None of this is supposed to be anxiety redden, stressful or worrisome. It’s supposed to be fun and spontaneous. Writing a note to explain your intentions kind of injects all of the above. If I were to get a “pre going out for a get to know you note” would raise raise my eyebrows.
This is all supposed to be 😊! Make it 😊! No worries☺️, no anxiety, no expectations just fun….No more notes, no more explanations …just fun
Nothing wrong with how you think honestly. I agree with how you deal with things. Actually it’s healthy not to move forward with people who don’t put the effort. Good job on putting yourself out there too. ” If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it’s a duck” just focus your energy on those who do invest in you. Just my 2 cents
God I JUST went through this shit a couple months ago, and im still pissed. Met dude on a dating app, went to meet up with him, we were insanely attracted to each other and got along great, every minute was an absolute joy, I was SO excited. After a few get togethers, really started thinking he was gonna be it, he was perfect, to me. And he seemed just as enthusiastic as I was… full of smiles, laughs, eagerly asked me to come over to his, etc…
He had a habit of taking 8-12 hours to answer any text, and it started really getting on my nerves because it was impossible to plan anything, going unanswered for that long.
He promised me the night of my life for my upcoming birthday, sure enough, birthday hit and didn’t hear from him alllllll day until 7pm and it was just two whole paragraphs of bullshit excuses and at that point I was already dressed with makeup, hair, nails, the whole nine….
I was absolutely devastated and cried on my couch.
I never heard from him again after that text. I think if I would have been paying better attention, and not so intent on wanting it to work, I would have seen the red flag. I looked over the blatant rudeness of making someone wait that long to hear from you… he wasn’t a “phone call person” so I wasn’t about to start blowing his phone up….
Yes I do think if someone is that scant in their communication, you’re not really on their mind to begin with. A person you’re romantically interested in is on your mind every single second. I’m sorry 🙁
It’s not self sabotage and he isn’t showing sufficient levels of interest.