Hello reddit. I’m in over my head here and don’t know what to do.
I met my girlfriend online about 18 months ago. We got along great for the most part and flew back and forth to visit each other every month or so. About 3 months ago we decided to take the next step and have her move in with me. She’s a small town girl who never flew before she met me so I understood moving to a big city would be a big step for her. Needless to say she’s been very homesick and generally unhappy here. I tried to take her to things and do whatever I could to cheer her up but nothing seemed to penetrate her veil of sadness.
Then the worst possible thing happened… she got pregnant. She stopped her birth control to take some new psych meds that weren’t compatible with her BC and didn’t tell me about it. That’s a whole other topic for another time I suppose, but she’s very against abortion, and to be honest I feel a little funny about the idea of killing my kid too. I almost talked her into having one, then felt horrible and talked her out of it again. I think that idea is now pretty much off the table.
But now she’s growing more and more insistent on moving home to be around her family again for the support. Unfortunatly I’m tied to the area I live in right now for work. I don’t have a great education or job history and anything I’d be able to get for work down where she lives wouldn’t be anywhere near as profitable as what I’m doing here now. I’m in my early 40s (shes late 20s) and would rather not pump gas somewhere just so my GF can be closer to her family. She knew all this before agreeing to move in with me of course. I’d always told her we’d need to live here for at least a few more years before considering moving.
She’s also suddenly developed issues with things she was ok with before like my pot smoking habit and my lazy lifestyle. Both things she was well aware of throughout our relationship. Meanwhile I’m growing increasingly frustrated with her because she hasn’t lifted a finger towards getting any kind of job here. I’ve paid her share of the rent for 3 months now without so much as a thank you or any type of acknowledgment. That was not the arrangement we discussed at all. I understand she’s nauseous from the pregnancy but is that really an excuse to not earn a living? Even 1 day a week I’d be thrilled about, just any type of effort to contribute would be nice. Instead, I’ve been spending extra time to make money for her collecting online casino bonuses her using her accounts, and she actually has the nerve to get mad at me every time I need to use her phone for 5 seconds to make deposits or whatever. Spoiled brat is the only term I can think of to describe her behavior. Which is odd because I’m pretty sure she isn’t actually spoiled and has worked for the last 5 years.
So today after she got mad at me for asking to send an email from her phone I snapped and gave her shit about not having a job, and it predictably lead to her playing victim and redirecting everything to be my fault. She now claims she’s moving back home after the new year. Normally I’d just be relieved but now my child is involved and I feel absolutely terrible about it. I do not want it to grow up broke with an incredibly irresponsible mother or with an absent father. I want the kid to have the best life possible. I could bite the bullet, move down there with her and try to find some shitty job I’d be miserable at, but i feel like our relationship is doomed anyway at this point. I doubt I could win a custody battle since they usually favor the mothers.
What should I do here reddit? I’m so lost 🙁
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TL;DR – My GF moved in with me knowing what I was like. Suddenly decided she doesn’t like it. Went off birth control without telling me, got pregnant, and is now trying to take the kid home with her.
5 comments
You and she are not compatible.
You say she “knew what you are like” before moving in, but it’s VERY different living with someone and talking long distance. This is what dating us for – most relationships unravel at this point, because when you spend more time together you can really recognize if you value the same things or work well as a team. And you and she do not.
She moved far away from everything she loves, for you. I dont see enough acknowledgement of that. She is clearly depressed or going through some other serious mental health issue – enough that she had to change meds – sometimes people cannot hold down a job when they are really struggling with their mental health.
I find it pretty judgemental that although you supposedly love this woman you jump to her being lazy or ungrateful, despite your own admission that she has worked before. You want her to work one day a week but it might be pretty hard to find such work in reality. As you say, she’s also feeling really nauseous because of the pregnancy and many people struggle to work through that period.
It sounds like you guys both didnt discuss many things about how your relationship would work, and now you feel resentful bevause she’s relied on you for 3 months when ill. Honestly, that should be part of a longterm trusting relationship, but I think the key here is that you’ve lost love and respect for her and you resent her for being ill and unable to work. I dont think you have a relationship to save any more.
Let her go home. You cannot support her on her own – look at your comment, there’s no love or support there! She needs the support of people who care for her to get back on her feet mentally – gven she is already struggling she is at high risk of postpartum depression and she is very isolated with you. It is not your decision where she recovers or who helps her – especially since you rssebt having to give any help yourself.
She should not have gone off her BC without arranging for another one. It’s impossible to say if she wanted to get pregnant. But now she is. And you both seem to want to keep it – though adoption might well be an avenue worth considering.
You say you are lazy and like to smoke weed – that’s fair enough. But do you feel you can raise this child alone? Bevause if she stays with you, that is what you will have to do whilst she recovers. You’ll have to deal with her issues whilst also raising a newborn with likely a lot less support than if she were her usual self. Personally, I think the atmosphere of resentment in your relationship is a completely inappropriate place to raise a kid and would make all of your lives awful. She has an entire family who can help raise the kid at home.
I would work in fostering a relationship with the kid once it’s born. But you may have to accept that this will be at a distance.
Lol bruh you are in your 40s and she’s in her 20s why would she get a job when it’s YOUR job as a MAN to take care of her. She probably thought you were going to be more of a provider lmao I would too an dip as well
You have got yourself in a right pickle. Well the damage is done and this poor baby has to suffer the consequences of a thoughtless father and an unwell mother. Let her go home as soon as possible, she needs those who love her more than ever. And next time you are looking to date remember naughty weekends are fun but living together is a totally different story, and perhaps find someone in your age bracket.
Your GF is pregnant and needs a support network to help her with the baby, surely you as an adult in your 40’s would grasp logic like that, it is very sound. If I am reading it right you were not thrilled so who know how helpful you would be if she decided to stay.
This post mostly seems to be about your and your feelings about tge situation but this would be a reminder that one consequence of having sex is babies.
Help her return home and call it a day.
The age gap and the incompatibilities are too great.
Yes you will need to financially support your child and if possible seeing your child- that’s life.
You’ve both played a part in the demise, to carry on is stupid.