I’ve been divorced about 2 years. My 2 younger kids (16 & 17) are completely horrible to me. During the divorce; their mom weaponized the kids against me to inflict maximum pain upon me. In the middle of the divorce my youngest had to see a therapist because their mom involved them in the divorce process and used them as confidants.
When the kids would stay with me, if I stepped out to go to the store, they would break into my computer, etc; to spy on me and send their mom correspondence to my lawyer (emails between him and I). They haven’t spoken to me for almost 2 years until yesterday.
They were completely hostile towards me. Calling me by my first name, they were rude and disrespectful. The pettiness of their complaints was amazing. Citing anything they could recall me doing wrong as reasons they hate me.
They then set terms in which they’d agree to visit with me. They said they would only see me in the presence of their mother. I refused that offer.
My oldest (21) is living on her own in a different city. Her and I speak almost daily. I think she’s seeing that the divorce was messy and her mom went out of her way to inflict pain upon me.
I’ve met a woman who has three kids and a shaky to okay relationship with her ex. I’ve observed how easy it is for her ex to manipulate and weaponize the kids to impose his will. It’s scary to see someone do that. My gf has primary custody of her kids and just the discontent they have for their mom after only a couple of days with dad is insane.
At what point do I just say screw it? I’m not trying anymore and just live my life and be happy; having faith that when they get older (like their sister) they will reach out and want a relationship with me?
33 comments
Never! Your job here is to be a parent first and a person with hurt feelings second. They’re still kids and they need you in their life (or you wouldn’t hear from them) but they don’t get to set the agenda.
You need to set a clear boundary on acceptable behaviour when they’re with you and let them test it while you stand firm and stay calm. If necessary, keep visits short and distract them with fun things like sporting events.
However they’re behaving, you’re their dad and at some level your boys are learning from you what kind of man, father and husband they can be. They probably won’t appreciate that until they have their own kids.
I’d add that kids with divorced parents almost always know which parent’s behaving unreasonably, but sometimes they feel they have to side with the other one out of loyalty.
It’s gonna be painful for you, but please stick it out.
Your kids are still teenagers. And you know they are being manipulated by their mother. Ask for help on how to deal with their abuse- how to talk with them, how to get through to them.
They are just trying to survive living with your ex: you got to leave. They don’t have that option yet. They may feel a little bit like you abandoned them- which is not the whole truth. But it feels that way to a teenager.
It is easier for them right now to join the ex’s attack on you— it saves them being the target of her wrath.
Please keep trying until they are independent adults. At that point you can at least say they are making their own choices.
I (23F) haven’t spoken to my mom in five and a half years, since I graduated high school. I’m the youngest of four with a five year age gap between me and my next sibling. My parents divorced while I was nearing the end of middle school and before then we rented houses all the time, to the point I went to a different school every year. At every single place my mom would find a way to kick my dad out, scream at him, call the police on him, and make huge scenes and tell her kids how their dad ain’t shit and can’t pay the bills and basically villianize him.
Once my siblings left for college and it was only me in the house my mom decided to turn to Jesus and I was forced into church 5 days a week for hours. No time for after school activities, friends, anything. I only knew school, church, home. Completely isolated and feelings pushed aside. I resented her for a long time but have always been passive so pushed it down and hid in my room.
The final straw though was, around 9th grade me and her made a deal, she was the 4th in her graduating class of 300ish and said if I beat her average, she would both buy me a car and pay for my college difference after any awarded financial aid. Well I went to a high school with a graduating class of over 900 students and was 12th. You take those averages, give or take a few students I had pretty much matched her. She refused to let me even practice driving her car and told me to take the bus everywhere since we live in a big city. When it came time for college acceptance letters, she collected all the mail, opened it, then handed it to me weeks after the deadline dates saying “btw these came”. It was at this moment I knew I had to get out of there as soon as possible.
My dad had always offered that I spend my summers with him. He’s a commercial pilot so I fly free but my mom doesn’t so there was always tension and the fearfulness that if I visit, I’ll come back to hell breaking loose or cold shoulders etc. At that point I didn’t care anymore, I told my mom I’m visiting for the summer, packed a small bag, left to my father’s then never looked back. I said before I’m passive, so I did write a letter months later explaining everything I felt and how both her and myself were responsible for what happened. She did write back but basically blaming me for everything and cursing me out and I decided for good I didn’t need that toxicity in my life.
I’ve completely forgiven her and what’s happened in my childhood, and now I have a daughter, but I will never allow my mom back into my or my daughter’s life. I’m indifferent about her and doing fine. To this day, my siblings are still split, all three hanging onto my mom and acting as her spies while I’m the only one who speaks to my father. So there is major discord, however my father still texts them once a month, even if he’s blocked. He has multiple houses, if any of them need a place to sleep he gives them the key since my mom still moves around frequently. He gives them money after our mom tells them no. He doesn’t try to buy their happiness, he just loves his children and believes in family.
So to answer your question as someone who knows what you’re going through, I believe it’s completely fair to cut off those who bring negativity and toxicity into your life. Family is just people who we were born into, you don’t have any commitment to them. There are so many others to build up a community with to feel as if you need to stay stuck with a family who wants nothing to do with you. But as a father, if they need you and reach out, do your best to provide for them. All the best ❤️🩹
You have kids. Your toxic ex is destroying them emotionally. And you want to stop talking to them.
That is certainly one thing you have a choice to do. But it makes you a crappy father and IMHO a shitty human being.
Have you tried family counseling? You can ask the court to mandate it so the kids will have to attend. You have plenty of evidence that your wife is actively sabotaging your relationships with your children. Make an effort. Be an actual adult and father here. Show some spine and leadership.
If after a meaningful effort things are still bad, let your kids know that you are worn out and need a break from them.
Never. Always keep an open door and be the bigger man.
You’re in a rock and a hard place. I think only you can decide how much you can take before you just lose your sanity. Maybe go Low Contact with them, just text them and ask how they’re doing and if they want to talk. Let them respond negatively and ignore until next week and repeat. You would still be reaching out and letting them know that you care but you’re not actively trying to engage the anger and resentment. If they are just openly hostile and call you names and expect money and favors all the time then you need to set boundaries and tell them that you love them but will not tolerate abuse.
I wouldn’t recommend “cutting ties” necessarily…
>They haven’t spoken to me for almost 2 years until yesterday.
If you’ve not seen them/spoken to them for 2 years sounds like you’ve already “cut ties”, whether you intended for this or not.
I’d suggest to leave an open door for them. Let them know you’re there for them if they ever want to talk too you and/or need your help, not to abuse you though. Ultimately, it’s probably best to leave the ball in their court for when they are ready to get to know you again
Tough question – no clear answer. My oldest child grew up in a separated family, came to live with me at 12, and all was fine until after graduation when substance use and behavioral changes came. Since then he’s cut out his two younger brothers, and blames my wife and us for all possible perceived injustices, including some fantasy ones (like getting cancer to spite him).
Eventually, I did disconnect, and did block him. And obviously, not everyone will support your decision – feeling you should “be abused” as its your role as a parent. I disagree, and while I miss him daily, it was the right decision for my mental health, and my family’s well being – who walked away a long time before.
Just focus on whether it benefits the family (including them), to create a wall between you. Discuss it with your oldest first, so they’re not caught unawares, and in the middle. Over-communicate with everyone.
According to your post history, you refuse to speak with your ex-wife unless she schedules time in advance and effectively provides you with an itinerary. You also don’t believe in coparenting. There’s surely much more happening here than you’re letting onto.
My parents got divorced when I was young (5-6) and I’m now in my 20’s. My mom (but primarily my horrific step father) tried to no end to convince me my dad was terrible, he didn’t love me, he didn’t want me, and he didn’t care about me. For a while, as a child, you believe it. But now that I’m in my 20’s and see through all the manipulative bullshit, I have an AMAZINGLY strong relationship with my dad (lives 4 hrs away) who I would call my best friend. I rarely talk with my mom (who lives 10 min away) and make it clear she was a shitty mom. Kids don’t forget. Let me tell you, I can tell you exactly where I was and the look of distain on my stepdads face when he said my dad didn’t love me. I’ll never forgive him and I’ll never forget. Stay strong for your kids. They will grow up and see the truth.
Taking your post at face value, if she did indeed weaponize them, your children were abused. They have been manipulated by an adult and put on a very bad emotional/mental health situation.
Instead of cutting them off, maybe just step back? Let them know you love them and they know how to get in touch with you if they’d like to. Don’t cut your kids off. Just disconnect from the power plays.
What caused the divorce?
Don’t paint yourself as a victim at the hands of your minor children
You sound like a shitty person.
Just curious, what was the reason for divorce?
Don’t cut ties, they were brain washed, but do step away. Send them Birthday and Christmas cards ever year. It may take a few years but hopefully they will see the light.
I can understand why you feel the way you do. It’s hard to try to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to like or respect you.
I had somewhat of a similar experience with my parents. They hated each other, and I think they sometimes prioritized fueling the feud they had with each other over my well being.
Your children did not have a choice in who their parents are. You chose to have children with your ex. Even if she is a huge c*nt, it’s unfair to neglect your children because the two of you can’t get along.
Get over yourself. You’re an adult. More importantly, you’re a father. And you will never not be a father. So the only choice you have now is what type of father you want to be. You can try, be patient, be empathetic, be around. Or you can prove your ex right and be a absent, shitty parent, and hold a grudge against your kids because you’re upset with your ex.
Take a step back, set some boundaries but don’t cut ties (“I’ll always be here if you need me and can be respectful.”) At the root of their anger is unresolved pain and deep rooted trauma. Don’t argue with it, you won’t win. Hold the line, stay calm and grounded, don’t get drawn into drama or tolerate disrespect. Whether or not you say “screw it,” get on with living your life and being happy regardless. Example is the best teacher.
I’ve been privy to such scenarios. The healthiest way is to tell them. Tell them that once they’ve grown enough to actually want to see your side of things, without automatically vilifying you, to reach out. That you’d love nothing more than to have a healthy relationship with them, but that you’ll have to wait for that. Then, be prepared to show the kinds of correspondence that verify what’s been going on. I know someone who has done this. It hurts, but it hurts more to see your own children so twisted. Her true colors will show, eventually. And they’ll start to wonder.
I find it weird that you have deleted your post history. It was mentioned by several commenters and it seems like it doesn’t fit the narrative you want to portray here.
You are a parent, you chose to have kids. You don’t give up because your teenagers are lashing out in a way that really doesn’t affect your daily life.
Stop acting like a victim first and think like a father. If you close that door now, without emphasizing that they are always welcome with you, then you’ll just prove to them that you can not be relied upon. There is so many things you can do to show them you love them regardless of what their mom says. If you choose not do even consider them because “it’s hard” then it’s only on you if you never have a relationship with them. Parenting is hard. Your kids don’t sound like psychos, but they do sound hurt and frustrated and like they’re lashing out because of it.
Also, they have to live with their mother full time. Choosing her side could simply be about survival in their current environment.
Parenting is hard. Tough cookies.
So you are looking for validation to cut and run on your minor kids? To make this their fault? dude.
Didn’t even have to see your post history to know you are trash.
I’m sorry. I just don’t believe a word you’re saying. These kids are nearly adults. They’re not 10 and can’t think for themselves. I find it very hard to believe that you could have a loving, healthy, happy relationship with both your children only for them to immediately switch to little demons who hate you the moment you step out of the door.
Bruh the kids reaction badly to THEIR DAD CHEATING ON THEIR MUM is not her ‘weaponising’ them.
It’s called consequences of your actions.
I mean, did you truly think they’d just go ‘oh ok’ or hold you in high regard/have any trust or respect in you when you did what you did?
I mean you already broke your trust and vows and betrayed their mother, why wouldn’t they think that you’d do that to them too and need the time to process what YOU did to tear up your family and heal from the many mental issues that YOUR actions have created.
But sure, keep playing victim…
Pay the child support and tell them if they want to visit you are open to it, but you do not want to force them to visit.
Frankly nothing anyone bad would say about me to my kids would matter because I took the time and made the effort to have a relationship with them. Clearly you did not so that. At their ages they are more than capable of seeing through any crap and making their own decisions. You as a parent need to keep being a parent no matter how difficult. Give them space, but keep in touch through text, emails, phone messages etc. remember their special occasions and favourite things. Invite them out for dinner, a movie, arcade, etc. keep working at it.
How awful. Parents should NEVER use the kids as weapons in a divorce. I’d send them a message explaining that you love them, that you are sorry they were led to believe some incorrect things about you, and that you are giving them space. Tell them that any time they want to reach out to you you will be there. That you’ll never stop loving them or caring about them. That’s about the best you can do. They are going to have to choose as the mature whether or not to continue believing their mom’s lies or to reach out to you. You deserve to go on and be happy.
Info: What was the reason for the divorce? I feel like that could be relevant to why they don’t like you.
Cut off the contact now. At least your oldest is still speaking with you.
So you cheated and are a piece of shit, and you’re surprised you get treated as such? Okay dude.
Only a dad would write something like this.
Talk about playing the victim. You cheated on your wife and kids. Accept the consequences.
You aren’t the victim. You cheated on your wife and that means you cheated on the family. You didn’t give a shit about them when you were screwing around why should they care about you?