lost my virginity and got ghosted?

im sorry this is a lot i just wanna vent😐

so i lost my virginity in september to this one boy (we will call him stan) i had a big crush on (kinda still do). but i got his snap from this other boy, we talked, told him i had a crush on him since 9th grade (we r sophmores now) and he said he liked me too? he would call me pretty, be super sweet to me and all that stuff.

TWO WEEKS LATER, skipping to the day of, we were walking to his house from school (his bsf, lets call him cartman, was also there high asf and acting stupid). we arrived to his place, i was really shy and wasnt talking to them so they went to the kitchen to make food while i sat on stans bed and stared at my phone. later stan walked in, sat down next to me, and we started kissing and cuddling. then he was like “do u wanna do it now” and i said if u want to, asked if i wanted to and i said yea.

then he started ☝️ me (was terrible at it) then we just went at it. he asked what position and i was like missionary😭😭 it hurt really bad so i started whimpering n shit (i also thought his bsf was sleeping but apparently he wasnt so thats why i was loud) but heres the part that rlly confused me, HE THEN MADE ME GO ON TOP. it was my first time so obviously i had no idea what i was doing. it kept slipping out and i was so embarrassed. then we went back to missionary (also we both still had our shirts on) but he was like “omg its so hot im so sweaty” so i was like just take ur shirt off???? but he kept saying no. also i was still being rlly loud but I THOUGHT HIS BSF WAS SLEEPING OK. then he was jus like “ok its hot and im sweating and tired so im gonna stop” i didnt finish, i dont think he finished, he put his pants on and walked out the room and i just sat on his bed like what the fuck. no aftercare or anything (i later learned that aftercare is like rlly important).

he then came back a couple minutes later and was like “why r u so depressed” i was like processing what just happened???? we had small talk then he was like u have to go my moms coming soon i just got off the phone w her. i was like oh ok so i started putting my pants and shoes on, someone comes thru the front door, he was nervous and checked but it was just his sister but he kept rushing me and was like u have to go. i kissed him goodbye and walked back to school by myself bc i was still skipping. i was texting him later that night i was like “was it bad? i feel like it was bad” and he was like yeah kinda ( he knew i was a virgin btw) and i kept apologizing and apologizing but he said it was ok. he then started being rlly dry with me so i left him on read and didnt talk to him the rest of the night.

next day at school, cartman comes up to me and starts mocking and making fun of my moans and laughs at me w his friends around us. he also told me that stans mom didnt come back after i left but came back home at like midnight. then he kept laughing at me and told me to put on music next time. obviously i felt like an idiot and hid in the bathroom the rest of the school day.

i didnt text him for about a week, he didnt text me either, so i unadded him. (he blocked me later) ive seen him a couple times at school. i remember this one day stan and our other friend were skipping together, and the other friend invites me to go hit his cart (i didnt know stan was there) but when i walked in the gym, stan was like oh shit😭 and like was acting rlly weird. i smacked the cart a couple times and i walked out. the other friend was like Where r u going!!! and i just shouted thank you back at him.

i think about stan a lot, how we probably couldve been a thing if we didnt have sex after two weeks of talking😭😭 i cant think abt sex or like even masturbate without thinking of him and i used to cry over him a lot.

i guess i just want someone to tell me he isnt worth it???? sorry i dont know where i was going with this. do you guys think it was my fault, or is this just how guys are?