A few months ago, I (26F) met a woman (28F). Even on our first date we both knew it would stick. We just enjoy all the same things and can talk endlessly over text and in person. I want to stress that we did not rush into this. We only see each other once a week and still have yet to make any explicit commitments. Still, we’ve both expressed that we want to be together, we’re not seeing other people, and we’ve never met someone so right for us. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, kind, present, and available. She adores me and I adore her. And yet all I feel when I think about her is dread, or else nothing at all: just an empty space where feeling should be.
This is really freaking me out because in general I’m a very sensitive, passionate person, and it’s rare for me to be ambivalent. If anything, I have the opposite problem—caring too much, overthinking, etc. Some examples of my recent apathy:
* When I have a date planned with her, I’m totally calm leading up to it. I’m not counting down the days, not thinking about what I’ll wear or anything like that. As I’m getting ready to go out, I’m just thinking about mundane tasks, momentary observations, etc. There’s no excitement or nervousness at all. You’d think I was about to go to the grocery store.
* When I do romantic things, like calling her beautiful or taking her hand in public or surprising her with a gift, it feels mechanical. It’s like I’m acting out the things I might do if I felt anything, but it’s all coming from a place of logic and not real feeling.
* When she comes into my mind, I get this sense of dread like she’s a problem I have to solve. I quickly try to think about something else because I don’t feel ready to “deal with this” i.e. sort out what I’m feeling.
What is so disconcerting is that I have zero desire to be with anybody else. In fact, when I think about other people I feel even more dread because I already have everything I ever wanted and yet I’m emptier than ever. I’ve never dated anyone who comes close to this woman in terms of who she is, how she treats me, how comfortable I feel with her, how well we understand each other, and more. If this doesn’t work then what possibly could?
I am not exaggerating when I say that this situation is dominating my psyche and affecting all aspects of my life. I’m in the middle of what looks (to me and her and all our friends) like a perfect romance but feels like a mental breakdown. I’m not sleeping well because I keep staying up trying to figure out if this is all my own issue—as in, maybe I’m depressed or can’t have healthy relationships?—or whether the relationship simply isn’t right for reasons I can’t comprehend.
I’d love to hear some insight on what to do next. I want to be really careful with how much I say before I’ve sorted out my own feelings. I’m afraid I’m going to damage this amazing connection just because of some weird mental health phase. On the other hand, maybe I wouldn’t be in this phase to begin with if things were right between us.
TL;DR: This girl is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner, but instead of excitement I feel dread every time I think of her. I can’t tell if this is a mental health issue or a relationship issue.
7 comments
I think you can have a really good rapport with someone, enjoy their presence and conversation without necessarily leading it into a relationship. Maybe the dread you’re feeling is because this person is seemingly perfect and ticks all the right boxes to be your partner but you don’t really have the feelings to make them so and thus feel an immense pressure to keep them in your life but are unable to assign a role. You could also be right in that your mental health is affecting your ability to feel these things, in which case I can only advise you to seek help and wish you luck.
What were your previous relationships like?
You’re either hetero or asexual/aromantic. You just described how I would feel if I were in a relationship with a great person with all the traits I like, but the wrong sex.
Do you feel chemistry with her? Butterflies? A crush?
Maybe she isn’t your perfect woman. She could be perfect on paper, but the spark isn’t there. What does your gut feeling say? Don’t think anymore. Try to feel the feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your body knows.
Alternatively:
Do you usually have a lot of anxiety around relationships? Could it be anxiety or relationship OCD? Could you be depressed? But I’d only ask myself these things if I did feel butterflies somewhere in time with this girl. If not, it’s just not there.
I think you should end the relationship and stop pursuing her.
Regardless of what the real reason is, why would you want to be in a relationship where you dread the other person? In my experience, the beginning of a relationship is when you feel super excited, giddy, and smitten by the other person and want to be with them all the time.
She deserves to be with someone who’s excited to be with her. It’s really not fair to keep putting on this facade and lead her on when she could be with someone who’s head over heels for her.
This is a new relationship. If you’re not excited by it and already feel a sense of dread and obligation then why keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole?
Just wanted to comment on this as a fellow wlw. I don’t know your sexuality, but there’s a certain type of dating anxiety for people who are same-sex attracted. There’s a lot of pressure to make it work especially if you find someone who does check off all your “boxes” — then you feel like you HAVE to make it work, because options can feel really limited. I think the stress we can put on meeting people and dating can sabotage us. If you’re at all like me and thinking years in the future when you meet someone you like, it puts a lot more stress on the here and now. No relationship should start with you wondering if they’re your soulmate, or if this relationship doesn’t work then what else possibly could.
Your post has some conflicting statements. You adore her but she also fills you with dread. You’re not committed to each other but also you see her as an issue you need to solve. It’s clear that you’re exhausting yourself thinking about this. I will say you can’t think yourself into having chemistry. If this girl never gives you those mushy feelings when she does something sweet, if you aren’t excited to do something for her because you know it’ll make her smile… maybe this isn’t the relationship for you. And in that case you should let go of your guilt and fear that you’re releasing “the one.” There are many lovely people out there but forging a relationship with someone is about more than just admiring them, it’s creating a real sense of compatibility and support between you.
Another thing is you spend a lot of this post talking about those feelings of dread so it’s hard to zero in on the “amazing connection” you describe having with her. Do you have fun when you’re with her? Do you feel anything when you hold her hand? Does the dread spike thinking about committing to her or opening up to her? Is there someone in your past you’re comparing her to, in terms of how you felt about them vs how you feel about her?
I will say though, you can definitely think your way OUT of having chemistry. And maybe I’m just playing devil’s advocate because I really relate a lot to your post when I was dating before my current relationship. I was the bleeding heart in my past relationships, the overthinker, the anxiously attached one who kept everything together and swallowed my own feelings. And it felt like being dizzyingly in love, because they were constantly on my mind and I was constantly stressing about the relationship. Then after my breakup when I started dating again, everything felt… too quiet. Those intense feelings were gone. Dating people felt a little artificial — I’d go into dates looking forward to them, but also stressed to make each one emotionally impactful. I didn’t know how to calm down. Then when I started dating my now-girlfriend, it was an adjustment again to not be looking for those intense feelings. I wasn’t constantly thinking about what she was doing when she wasn’t texting me. I wasn’t beside myself when she’d give me a compliment, because unlike my past relationships she actually complimented me a lot. I didn’t have anything to overthink and it stressed me out in the beginning because it was so different. But I was honest with myself and the pace I had to move to learn to let myself be loved.
Bottom line is we don’t start out with those feelings of love. Love is something that grows. It might help you to try and relax on your next date with her and think about if you feel like something is growing between you. If it’s not, then there’s no shame in letting things go. I hope this doesn’t come off as overly optimistic but you seem to find this person attractive and kind, and also say she makes you comfortable and understands you. You might be expecting too much too soon of yourself feeling-wise, especially if you’ve been hurt before.
Are you on hormonal birth control?? I ask because I was on hormonal birth control and over a period of about a year it completely fucked with my ability to feel romantic/sexual attraction. I started panicking that I was asexual or something. It did a complete 180 once I got off of it.
Other than that, It sounds like either you’re not actually attracted to her or you’ve got some sort of avoidant attachment style issues that you need to work out. Why is she your dream woman if you feel nothing for her?