I’m going to be speaking about this largely from a male’s perspective but this can be applied to women as well as people of all genders. I’ve posted many times about my situation but I’m gonna tie it to the theme of this post. I’m a 29 yr old straight male. Never been in a relationship. Never dated. Never been intimate. I have 2 degrees with honours from my Alma Mater university(history and politics). I use to do competitive sports, namely swimming when I was younger, rising up to a national level and ended up competing for the country of my origin(I live in Canada, but I am Jamaican by birth and ended up swimming for team Jamaica as a teenager at international competitions in the Caribbean) as well as meeting the Prime Minister of my country of birth as a teenager. My hobbies include reading, exercising, going on long walks to reflect on life, and volunteering. When I do read my interests are history, philosophy, politics and religion which leads me to spend much of my time reading authors as diverse as the Bible, Plato, St Thomas Aquinas, Russian author Dostoevsky, the history of the Spanish Empire, the Cuban revolution and other topics. In terms of my personality I am largely a reserved introvert who on the outside largely appears Calm, controlled and Distant. However I also have an outgoing and humorous side for those who get to know me and I tend to smile a lot in my interactions with people as well as socialise with people regardless of their title or rank. When it comes to work I do two part time jobs at the moment working almost 6 days a week and my goals are to get into teaching. I bring up all of these details because the reason I’ve never been in a relationship with women has nothing to do with me being unable to interact with people. Its very easy for me to interact with people as I mentioned and this is regardless of gender and I able to get along and become friends with people easily. Nor is it because I’ve never been attracted to people. I have. And I actually am right now. Its simply due to my aloofness when it comes to putting effort into romance, my disinterest in the norms of modern dating culture, and my focus on my career as well as my hobbies that give my life.
Tying this to the OP, because of all of this, my life in terms of being out of the game when it comes to either being in a relationship or even attempting to get a relationship has paradoxically allowed me to be a fly in the wall so to speak in terms of being able to observe patterns on this stuff. And the patterns that I see, particularly when it comes to young males seeking relationships with women is basically this. Over and over again I keep hearing things like “how do I impress this girl I like” or “how do I get her to like me” , or even “how do I meet her expectations”(the same thing can be said when it comes to the gender dynamics in the opposite direction, I’m just speaking as a guy here). And when I hear these types of questions the questions I often times end up posing is this:
1)Why are you interesting in “impressing” this particular girl or woman in the first place?
2)Are these expectations and standards you are supposedly trying to meet even worth it in the first place?
3)Do you have your own standards?
4)Do these standards even match the values that you hold in your core as a person?
Too often what I see is that people become so infatuated with someone they have fallen head over heels over that they are willing to pretend to be something they are not just to even attempt to get with this person, whether its pursuing a date, a relationship, or just intimacy. If you have to change who you are to meet other peoples standards and expectations then to me it really isn’t worth it. I would rather be alone and be honest about myself and my self worth rather than be, or make the attempt to be with someone and changing the core of who I am. The things I listed about who I am are things I’m proud of and form part of my values as a person. If I hypothetically were to make and effort to try to get into a relationship with a woman, I would never compromise any of those values nor hide anything about who I am(strengths and weaknesses) as a person just to get somewhere. To me its a take it or leave it type of dynamic. If you can’t accept me for who I am, and what my values are, I’m not interested in chasing after you, or compromising my values to meet other people’s expectations, regardless of how attractive I may find that person. Which is part of my skepticism of modern dating culture in the first place in terms of a lot of superficiality that’s predicated on being something you’re not. I think people really need to do a lot of introspection and assess what type of self value and worth they have before even discussing relationships in the first place. At least, that’s kinda my perspective as an outsider looking in.
1 comment
For someone that hasn’t had much experience that’s a very well written piece and I agree with it 100%.
As to why most Men feel the need to pander to Women?
I’ll give you the cold truth: Social Conditioning and years of it.
Guys are told throughout most of there entire youth and adulthood to chase women and appeal to there standards and these sentiments are also echoed through media and movies.
There is definitely a lack of balance when it comes to gender and double standards.
I can thankfully say that the best relationship I had was one where standards weren’t compromised, we didn’t have to change to like each other.
And the truth is for the right person or right fling you will not have to change either.
That is not to say womens standards aren’t valid either but there has to be a balance. And I think for the most part, despite the social norm fuckery at play, most women will respect a guy that has standards of his own and isn’t trying to people please for the sake of validation or to have a relationship.