I can have good conversations with people and even strangers, despite feeling socially anxious. But most of the time I find myself taking a passive role, speaking too little about myself, and letting the other person take the lead completely, which sometimes (a lot of times, actually) causes interactions to die short, and I’m left with a feeling of being just plain boring.
It feels like other people always know more stuff, are able to come up with interesting topics, they always have cool stories to tell, and seem to have no problem sharing about themselves.
I really feel disconnected sometimes, and the fear of judgement and very high self consciousness doesn’t help either.
This is something that extends to online environments as well, in servers, fandom spaces, or social media in general, I just can’t come up with anything remotely interesting to say or post, It’s either too boring, or adds little to what’s already been said, which makes me want to isolate, and obviously that just makes things worse.
This is just probably me downplaying my interests and knowledge, deeming them not worth sharing (plus fearing the judgement of others), and, it’s not that I’m into some super obscure stuff that no one knows about, there are thousands of online and irl communities of stuff I enjoy that I can interact with, but this always has been a theme in social settings, it only has gotten worse lately.
Even the process of making this post makes me feel like this is just dumb and I shouldn’t be posting this thing, but I wanted to vent a little and also read experiences and opinions of people who may relate.
3 comments
Well, I can say you painted quite a vivid picture here, with some interesting insights and observations, so clearly you’re not inherently boring in your thought process!
Topics, stories, sharing…those can all be attained if you want them. Topics can come from online news/features, what’s going on locally or culturally, even tidbits about your day that have a human interest element.
But the real KEY is to speak with WARMTH while making a positive emotional connection.
Short example, your response to something they said could be: “Oh, that’s nice,” or “Cool.” Doesn’t add much.
Or the same response could be, “Wow, that’s really INTERESTING (cool, awesome, fantastic, different, crazy…pick your own adjective. But notice the verbal EMPHASIS on the word, indicating a bit of ENTHUSIASM and INTEREST.) “…I’d love to hear MORE about that…” or “…what did you do NEXT…” or “How did you REACT to that…” or “How did THAT turn out…”
So you get the idea. It’s important not only to ‘act’ interested but to actually BE interested in what they’re saying, and to SHOW that with your smile and most especially with your TONE.
That’s what makes a conversation sing, and two (or more) people connect.
Big time. Judging by the responses I get anytime someone begins to engage me, I’m quite sure I’m right about it, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I am sure severe ADHD doesn’t help, but I doubt it’s that simple. Over 20 years of useless, unsuccessful therapy, and 36+ years of mostly shitty results would agree.
I’ve led a pretty damn interesting life compared to the average person, and even manage moments of charm here and there on good days, but I think I struggle in 2 areas – I’m long-winded/unfocused in talking, and a poor storyteller, both of which I’m (unsuccessfully as an ADHD sufferer) working on. Other than that, I’ve got no ideas.
People simply refuse to go deep with me, date me seriously, become close friends or business partners unless they can scheme on me (fuck yourself to Hell when I catch that happening yet again), any way you measure it, clearly my shitty social skills render me a lesser-class being.
While I have no answers, this is a major reason I’m here, and hopefully a nugget of wisdom or 2 comes out of it. Following.
As an addendum I will also say, tone matters. Mine happens to always be dry and monotone and personally I hate it, but I’ve worked on it and sometimes play it up, to occasionally even mediocre or surprise positive short-term results. Long-term I still seem to be fucked, hence why I’m here, but my lack of performance doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t observe or know, or that you can’t sometimes fake til you make it like I can for little bits here and there.
I will say as a short-term observer or your post, you seem meek and a bit held back here. You don’t seem too sold on your own voice or opinion and right to have it. That is absolute social poison in our current climate. Our world is blowhard city, if you haven’t noticed. While it doesn’t mean we -all- have to become mega douchebags (I think), it does help to OWN your opinions and statements, even more so than your ability to back it up, in our current world.
This fake confidence is exactly why our news cycle, political offices, companies/corporations, anything that garners our attention individually or as a society are almost always ruled by dipshits, idiots or blowhards – they SOUND like they know what they’re talking about. Now, whether they have any actual ability to back that up, that’s a whole other matter, but socially I can tell you, it means fuck-all compared to whether you show that bullshit fake “confidence” everyone’s always going on about.