My partner (30m) and I (28f) have been bickering a lot recently and when we try to resolve things we come to a standstill; so I’m going to give an example of a situation that happened yesterday, in the hopes I can get some third party advice.
We went for a walk along the coast, around sunset for like 2 hours, it was comfy. When we got back to the car I put music on. Most music we listen to is lofi for background noise, and I saw a Christmas mix and clicked it because it seemed appropriate and cosy. He kinda groaned, saying how it was too early for Christmas music, I paused it and try to explain it feels right for me, mid November on a happy cold day.. he said it doesn’t for him.
Followed by a 10 min rant about “there was a thing on the radio the other day where X person played Christmas song and Y person said oh nooo it’s too early so they took a poll and 85% of people think it’s too early. It’s not even December yet, Christmas music is supposed to be special and represent happy moments, it gets tainted if you play it too early, it’s already in supermarkets, the media over-saturates with Xmas music”. I honestly just went quiet and tried to understand why this was such an issue for him.
Later, at home, I try to resolve things with him, explaining it felt like he was kinda shutting down my joy.. He was the one to say “no, I don’t want this” so what can I do? He said I’m supposed to compromise and communicate with him; he clarified by saying I could have
1. Bartered with him, eg can we listen to one song I like, then one song you like
2. Played something else
3. Shut down on him and push him away
For me, I feel that this should not be an issue, that my partner could be more flexible.. or even express himself to me in a way that wasn’t “I don’t like this.” and then ‘leaving the ball in my court to compromise’.
So I shut down, because this is 1/?? situations in the last few months (together two years) that have made me feel.. like a smaller me? That I have to compromise on every little thing, for the sake of the relationship, that were previously just personality traits/habits to me as an individual.
Examples of compromises/outcomes;
where we live (4.5 hours from my hometown)
who we spend Xmas with (he was hesitant but agreed to visit my family 23-24th, the rest with his)
what we do over Xmas (his mums first Xmas with us living near to all their family – so it’s all been planned out by them)
We spent Christmas together last year and I had my tree up 25th of November (little sister begged me) and we played music from then onwards. He was there lol. This isn’t a surprise that I really like Christmas and the winter months?
Please let me know how you perceive this situation, or any advice you have on resolving similar things moving forward.
Thanks to anyone who reads this.