We had a giant blowout fight and I don’t know what to think from here

31 comments

1. Big fights are a normal part of relationships. If they aren’t happening too frequently and both people know what the cause was and what the solution will be, they can actually be good things. Even if they’re painful at the time.

   It sounds like you got belligerent while you were drinking, its also unfortunate you can’t remember it because you’ve probably said some things that were meant to hurt him that could probably do with a direct apology. He’s not telling you them because he doesnt want to think about them, doesnt want to find out if you meant them or not, or as you say, wants to protect you from the shame of saying them. Or on the bright side of things, he genuinely might not care because you were just saying stupid drunk people shit that was genuinely meaningless “you dont love me, you wont take me to taco cabana!” (my wife (then gf) said this to me whilst smashed and trying to convince me to drive drunk, we laugh about it now.)

   If you did say serious shit, try figuring out what that was:

   Is there anything generally that’s been bothering you in your relationship recently? You probably brought it up. Some underlying specific niggle about some of his behaviour? You almost certainly brought it up. Something not working in the bedroom? You could have brought it up.

   As for advice with bringing it up, you might dig a hole if you keep pushing. I would recommend offering a genuine apology and one more chance to discuss it. Something like “i just want to apologise again for my behaviour the other night, I’m sorry I got so drunk and acted like that, I’m not going to get that blackout drunk again. If there’s anything about it that you want to talk about or get off your chest I’m listening to you.”

   If he brushes it off, leave it alone, it’ll be fine, just don’t get that smashed again. If he opens up, listen, hear him out and apologise, reassure him you didn’t mean what you said or if you did mean them but said them cruelly, talk through any actual issues you brought up. E.g. “I don’t really think you’re a useless, lazy shithead, I’m so sorry I called you those things, I was drunk and acting out. I would like some more help with the house chores though and I think it just came out that horrible way because I was drunk. Would you be willing to help me out just with tidying up, it has been bothering me you leave your stuff everywhere.”

2. So he’s asking to move on from it, and you don’t want to?

3. Let’s not gloss over the fact that you became physically abuse while drunk.

4. It’s simple: you don’t get that drunk ever again.

5. >I worry that there’s more to the story that is bothering him

   He explicitly told you there wasn’t and that he wanted to move on.

   You made a mistake by getting blackout drunk and acting like an asshole. Don’t act like an asshole while you’re sober too. Trust your boyfriend.

6. Take him at his word and stop trying to rehash the story; is what he said not enough for him to be a bit wary around you for a few days? Do you _need_ more to the story for you to believe he’s telling the whole truth?

   If you keep badgering him, that’s more about wanting him to console you and make you feel less guilty, not — as you claim — about apologizing to him (which you’ve already done) and making things right. It’s selfish, even if you may not see it yourself.

   You fix this through words (promise to drink responsibly) and actions (keep that promise). It’s up to you to demonstrate that you really have learned this lesson, as you claim you have.

7. My partner once shoved me on a night of drinking too. It was very unexpected, as she’d never demonstrated any kind of pattern like that. It didn’t hurt physically but it hurt a lot emotionally. I told her how it made me feel later, and we resolved it that night, I forgave her, and didn’t look back. Sometimes shit just happens like that, **and it doesn’t mean that you’re an abusive drunk.** Alcohol really doesn’t bring out the best in any of us, and causes good-natured people to act in irrational ways.

   The important thing is that you’ve addressed it. I think your BF is right in that you can now put it behind you and move forward.

8. You did a bad thing while blackout drunk. That’s generally what happens when people get blackout drunk. If the person who remembers what happened is trustworthy, then take him at his word. He acknowledged that it was upsetting to him, but he made it clear he wants to move on. He will continue to seem upset about it as he processes what happened, but that doesn’t mean he wants you to keep opening the wound. If you need to process this more with him maybe you should tell him that you need to talk about it more and you’d like to plan a time to have that conversation. If he isn’t open to that you need to respect his feelings on it though.

   You say you don’t drink often, so I think if you do go for a night out again that involves drinking just make sure to keep it to one or 2 drinks. Drinking a lot and arguing leads nowhere good really fast.

9. 1st. For goodness sake drop it with the boyfriend. He asked to move forward. You just keep hounding on and on about it pisses him off. God damn it’s freaking annoying.

   2nd: You should ask one of the friends you were with if you did something stupid while out? Like flirt with another guy. Or, said or did something to embarrass your boyfriend in front of others.

10. so during your drunken rage where you did the following things.

    Disrespected his autonomy and assaulted him.

    You are now on the back end, after you guys discussed this issues are disrespecting his autonomy?

    and you are wondering why he seems “off” to you?

    he could quite possible be “off” because you’re disrespecting his autonomy not only during your drunken rage night. but also, disrespecting it in the aftermath by not respecting his wishes and continuing to bring this all up. Making him wonder, does she even get me? does she even listen to me? is she always going to overstep boundaries when things get tough?

    Those are valid questions he should be asking himself and you should be asking yourself.

    from where I sit, you were disrespectful when you were blacked out, and you’re being disrespectful in the aftermath.

11. You may think that you’re pushing to talk about it for his benefit, but in truth is for your benefit. You need to believe him and let him take the lead here. You won’t make it better by steamrolling his wishes.

12. You were just drunk, this stuff happens. It’s not like you came at him with a knife or something.

13. You say you’ve learned your lesson, I’m curious to know what you believe the lesson was here.

    What do you achieve by bringing it up again? You can’t change what happened that night.

    Do you imagine that if he left out some crucial detail, that you could think of the perfect apology to fix it? Then he could go back to his cheerful self and you could both move on and forget? Is your primary concern to fix the “off”ness about him? Or is it about resolution?

    Framing this as “just take his word for it” vs ” the reality of the situation” you’re implying that he’s lying to you. Every time you bring it up you’re telling him that you do not trust what he has already told you.

    I can understand that it can provoke anxiety, particularly as he’s still reacting to this thing that you don’t even remember. But you have to let that go.

    **Get out of your own head. This isn’t about making you feel better.**

    At the very least you owe him the space and time to process how he feels about it. If he’s annoyed, okay you earned that. He gets to be annoyed and you’re gonna have to ride it out. That’s your penance for being an asshole while blackout drunk.

    Keep in mind this whole thing started because you wanted to talk and he didn’t but you wouldn’t let it go. That time you were drunk, you can claim that the way you behaved was out of character.

    Right now you find yourself in a situation where you want to talk. He doesn’t. You won’t let it go. This time you are sober. And you have the benefit of hindsight. Can you see how pulling at that thread is going to go?

    If you push this, you risk demonstrating that you’re not so different from that drunk version of you. Sure, you won’t shove him when you’re sober but all the same, his voice is something you overlook, minimise, distrust. Have you considered that the damage you’re doing *right now* is the reason he’s being off with you?

14. You are not a bad person.

    I understand your feelings. Not long ago, I passed out unresponsive at my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding. It was late and everyone was quite drunk, but it was still mortifying and I struggle with it every day. I cut out alcohol. But that’s your choice…. you certainly don’t have to- this was a one time event.

    You’ve addressed it and apologized, and that’s all you can do. Now, you have to work to forgive yourself.

    Hugs, OP.

    ETA: You also need to work through your own feelings on your own. You are projecting onto him when he wants to move on and that’s not helpful. I suggest therapy- if you feel you need to talk about it.

15. I think an apology without a change in action is just putting a bandaid on the issue.

    If you got out if control while blackout drunk, then apologized – what change of action are you doing to endure it doesn’t happen again? I would suggest drinking less. That would indicate you’re actively remorseful and making changes to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

16. When he said he doesn’t want to talk about it, it means he doesn’t want to re-live it. If he is typically an emotionally balanced person then it must have been really bad for him. That he is still processing it and questioning if there is another side of you that he didn’t know before. I think you need to find a way to assure him that was a drunk Hulk situation and you would never let yourself get into that situation again.

17. You apologize, move on, and give up drinking until you can control yourself.

18. He’s willing to forgive and move on but he may feel emasculated by what you did and said and his just accepting it.
    If so he doesn’t want reminders of the incident.

    Also, remember alcohol lowers inhibitors and impairs judgement. He might think deep down you really are that person and worry about it happening again.

    I would accept the apology and set some boundaries regarding alcohol and substance use going forward.

19. You acted shitty when drunk. 90% of adults can say they’ve been there at least once! When I started seeing my fiancé I was only 20 years old and a *heavy* weekend drinker.

    It took me around 1 year to realise if I wanted to remain in the relationship, I had to stop with that drinking. We generally don’t get black out wasted together anymore, if someone’s really drunk then the other one sober ups. We don’t take anything we say when we’re drunk personally at all, just tell the drunk one to go to bed and shut up – they’ll regret the hangover in the morning!

    Just take this as a lesson learnt, if you act like this when you drink too much, stop drinking like this, know your limits or understand the consequences

20. My husband and I don’t drink so I might be biased, but alcohol seems to be a recipe for disaster in relationships. I hear people talking all the time about getting in drunken arguments or waking up angry because of something the other did the night before.

    That’s not to say we don’t argue (we’ve been together for 11 years, arguments happen). But we can stay relatively level headed and work through it. The subject matter of arguments between drinking and non-drinking couples seems to be the difference.

21. Quit drinking! 🤦🏻‍♀️ That’s probably his fear: that it’ll happen again if you drink. Just quit! Why can’t people have a great time without some kind of dope?!

22. I know it feels uncomfortable, but if you don’t remember it (and have no reason to think something truly awful happened) and he doesn’t want to talk about it, then you need to drop it. Stop seeking reassurance from him, you’ll just annoy him.

23. Sounds like you’ve got some anger issues and should drink that much… Best you can do is apologize and not do it again.

    Being physical with anyone isn’t acceptable!

24. Now you know you’ve gotta be more careful with alcohol, because doing this once is a fixable mistake but doing it again is choosing to be that person.

    Beyond taking the lesson and appreciating your partners understanding, let it go. The only reason I wouldn’t let it go is if you felt you needed help to quit drinking/didn’t trust yourself not to do this again. But it sounds like making this a one time only thing isn’t going to be hard for you.

25. I don’t know why people act like this is normal. I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years. We have gotten varying layers of drunk with eachother from buzzed to wasted and we have NEVER drunk fought. The worst that has happened was I refused to share my twin bed with him after a night many years ago.

    We don’t act out of character with eachother. I think this happen when there are underlying issues that need to be addressed and haven’t been spoken about yet. That has neen my experience with friends who fight with eachother when drunk. Its about underlying issues that are festering.

    If I were your bf I’d be upset and really concerned.

26. You told him you’re going to cheat.

27. If he wants to let it go, I’d say let it go BUT also use this as an opportunity to grow. At 25, getting blackout is just not a good look. It’s truly never a great look at any age. You don’t have to drink often to have a problem with alcohol. If you don’t know when to stop if you’re just having a casual night out with friends, you need to figure that out. Maybe you stop drinking entirely, maybe you have one cocktail and one water- you’re grown and you need to be accountable for yourself and show him that.

28. There’s always more in situations like this

29. So you acted like a drunken idiot, he’s willing to move on but you keep bringing it up?

    You’re going to annoy him until you lose him. Let it go.

30. He’s pissed off at you because he had to deal with you while you were all drunk and in his face, then you tell him the next day you don’t remember any of it. Your Bf is upset at you but also feels that he isn’t able to take it out on you because you were “drunk and don’t remember” so now in his mind he just considers this a “write off”.
    Every time you keep trying to bring this up and talk about it, youre making him more upset and irritated because he from his point of view, he just wants to put it behind him and you just want to make yourself feel better/less guilty about what happened by wanting to “talk about” something you don’t even remember. Your Bf will see this as you acting very selfish.
    You should just doing something nice for him, get him something/a gift that HE wants and likes. Make sure it’s not something along the lines of “I like this so I think he will too”. If you want to say something to him about what had happened, don’t say anything more than “I’m sorry I’ve been so terrible to deal with. I got you <this gift>. I know you want to move on so I will drop it too”
    After the dust settles and he is less upset, he will come around sooner or later and tell you things are fine

31. Let it go. Don’t drink as much in the future.