My girlfriend and I have been together 4 years, and moved in together after we both got jobs upon graduating from college. At the time, 2 years ago, we both got about the same wages, about $50k a year, so we agreed that we would split our shared living expenses (food, utilities, rent, pet expenses) 50/50, which was fine. I was still fine to pay for ‘date’ stuff like going out to dinner or to an event or something that was more spontaneous, but our general stuff that we need to live would be split. Then, a year ago, I got a raise at my job, so now I was making about 62k a year. We agreed that since I was now making a little more, it was fair for me to pay a little more in our living expenses, so we changed to a 55/45 system. I didn’t have any real problem with this.
After doing this system for a while, my girlfriend got a new job about a month ago. Her new salary was 85k a year, way more than what it was before and way more than I make. I was happy for her and everything, obviously, but about a week into her new job, I asked if we could renegotiate the splitting of our expenses since now she was making substantially more than me. She kind of dismissed me at the time and was like “oh can we talk about this later? I’m all stressed out and adjusting to the new job and need to relax before we figure this out.” I said that’s fine and figured I would bring it up again later. Another week or two went by and I brought it up again, and she dismissed me again saying she didn’t want to deal with that right now.
Last night. I decided to bring it up again since it has been a whole month and figured we should settle the issue since I am still paying more than her even though she makes a lot more. I sat down with her and said that we should talk about it, and she immediately got defensive and kind of snotty. I said that I was happy to pay a little extra when I got a boost in income, so it’s only fair for her to do the same since she is now making a lot more. I know that we both make enough that we’re not going to go broke if the other doesn’t pay their fair share, but it still is important to me that we are contributing what we are able to contribute to our combined well-being. She then said that she shouldn’t be penalized for making more money by earning her new job, and I am being greedy by trying to get out of paying my fair share of things. Her argument was that I should be happy that she got her new job, but supposedly the only reason that I am acting happy is because it gives an opportunity for me to get money out of her. She then told me that I am untrustworthy with money due to a history of bad decisions with it. The story here is that when I was 19 years old and had my first job during the summer, I made a solid amount of money, and proceeded to blow it all on some stocks that didn’t play out well, so I lost like 3k. It was dumb, I regret it, but I was 19 years old and had never had any money before and now I know better. So for her to use something that happened years ago when I was basically still a dumb teenager, and throw that in my face as a reason that I am untrustworthy with money, is kind of offensive. She argued that if I use more of my income on living expenses, I will have less opportunity to throw it away on stupid things like stocks or things we don’t need, so she is “protecting” me by making sure I don’t have as much money. I tried to argue that I am responsible now and would never waste money to that extent and she is being unreasonable, but she was not having any of it and refused to change the terms of our finances.
Is there anything I can do here to change her mind on this matter? Any ways I can convince her (either directly or indirectly) that we need to divide our finances up more fairly? I’m not exactly poor but it feels like crap knowing that I am paying way more than I should on living supplies.
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**tl;dr**: GF got a new job and now makes way more money than me, but refuses to pay a higher share of our living expenses so I currently pay more. She says she doesn’t trust me with money and am trying to steal her hard-earned cash.
48 comments
She doesn’t have to “trust you with money.” This is just math. She knows how much the rent is; you guys get utility bills.
Her argument is ridiculous on its face.
If she doesn’t trust you, then perhaps she shouldn’t be in a relationship with you. She can take her “hard-earned cash” and get her own place. She isn’t willing to abide by a proportional share arrangement when it isn’t favorable to her, so perhaps you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who is selfish and manipulative.
Don’t date someone who uses errors you made as a teenager as a justification to disrespect you as an adult.
This should be a dealbreaker-level disagreement. If you cannot be trusted with money, and cannot trust her to make any effort towards equity with you on this subject, this relationship shouldn’t progress to any more serious disagreements besides rent.
Yeah, it is time for you to evaluate this relationship. Because this is really fucked up of your girlfriend. She is being disingenuous, disparaging and manipulative. Not to mention greedy. She is looking out for herself as an individual instead of looking out for the two of you as a partnership. Her assertion that she is protecting you from yourself by taking financial advantage of you is ludicrous on the face of it, but also pretty dangerous in terms of what lies beneath that sentiment. I don’t think you should try to change her mind, I think you should consider changing your relationship. This is a hill worth dying on because it is a hill you built together back when you were the one with more resources. If she doesn’t want to be on that hill with you anymore, that’s pretty important information.
Yeah there’s something you can do – tell her you’re not prepared to be taken of advantage of and that her attitude is petty since you coughed up straight away making you question her commitment to your relationship
She’s being ridiculous on purpose. Right now she has you putting most of the bill while she puts money away.
Makes you wonder about what kind of future you guys have together if she doesn’t want to negotiate living expenses this early in the game.
Personally, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who told me they did not respect me and felt I should be treated like a child and they are the parent who should control me.
You are a poor communicator, OP. She was very clear n her position, you just couldn’t understand it because you were focused on what she was saying instead of what she was doing. I’ll translate it for you:
“What is yours belongs to the both of you (but primarily to her). What is hers is hers, keep your f%^king hands off of it.”
No, girl wants to have her cake and eat it too. It’s perfectly fine to split shared expenses different ways, but the logic should be consistent. She was happy for you to pay more when you made more, and now that it’s her turn she throws this bs at you? What’s she like as a partner the rest of the time? How is household stuff split? How are you at supporting in another.
I think throwing a dumb thing you did one time 5 years ago (before the relationship) under different circumstances is a red flag
She isn’t treating you like a partner. At that income disparity, it’s much more appropriate to divide expenses proportionally.
Do you use a joint account at all? Depositing your 60/40 (or whatever) for rent and utilities into a joint checking like that is a good way to do things, IMO. Then each of you keeps your remainder for your own purposes. (If you ever marry, you can revisit the arrangement. And it’s good to revisit the finances every year or whenever there’s a significant life event.)
If she doesn’t want to have the hard logistical discussions, then she doesn’t want to be your cohabitation partner. That doesn’t mean you have to break up, but it does mean you should no longer live together. (And you might break up anyway. I just mean that it’s not required.)
Good luck with this. Finances break a ton of relationships; you’re not alone in feeling tested by this.
(Bonus question, what’s your respective debt load like?)
“I’ll start only paging 50/50. No 45/55 anymore. If you don’t like it I’ll move out and you can take on 100% of the rent.”
Wow, she’s really shown her true colors here. You know who is correct, you know she is being incredibly selfish. Idk what to tell you because you have already tried to talk to her calmly about it. The history you speak of is completely irrelevant, it was a 1 time thing years ago and it didn’t even affect her money.
The question is, are you willing to be with a selfish and manipulating person. Maybe you can still salvage this but she has to pay her fair share. It’s awful that you have to insist.
Her position is so shady that it would make me seriously reconsider the relationship. It’s self-evidently obvious by the established rules of the relationship that she should be paying more, now and for her to say that you’re only happy for her because it means you can pay less is unbelievably shitty.
So my question is, how easy is it for you to move out? Are you on a long-term lease?
Because if you are, I would simply say, “I’m no longer paying more than half the rent, and that’s that.”
You might not be able her to get to 55%, but if she won’t pay 50, that’s absurd and you need to leave.
And if you aren’t, I would say, “Hey, our living situation isn’t working for me. I’m going to move out.” And then do it.
Um something is up here. Id remind her when you got a 10k pay rise you took an extra 5% toward the house hold now she is earning 20k more than you id suggest that until you get parity then she should be paying 60%and you 40%
But the fact she doesnt wish to makes me think she is not as invested in the relationship as you
Sorry op id equal what she pays and save up as i think one or the other will.be moving out soon
I feel like 50/50 was fair and probably shouldn’t be altered unless you are fully combining finances in a marriage situation or something.
She’s bullshitting you.
She just wants to keep more of her salary for herself.
If you’ve always adjusted based on % of income then it is wildly unfair for you to be paying more whilst earning less!
Basically she was happy with the system when SHE benefited but clearly doesn’t want to contribute HER FAIR SHARE now that she has the higher income. It’s selfish, it’s unfair and her ‘logic’ is just demeaning.
She’s not your parent and even if you did want to blow your excess money on stupid shit that is your perogative.
She’s gaslighting you by calling you greedy when she’s the greedy one.
Sorry, your girlfriend’s behavior is entirely self-serving. She has no interest in an equitable relationship, only a profitable one. She doesn’t profit by committing to pay proportional to her income.
In other words, this is a pretty serious situation that would make me deeply consider the viability of the relationship. She is only in it for what she can get out of it, not for you.
Shitty on her part. Let he know from now on you will request 50/50 for all outings and all expenses will be split 50/50, not you paying more. Shes selfish.
She expected more out of you when you made more, now it’s her turn since she makes more. That’s what you’ve been doing.
I would make that clear in no uncertain terms. If she refuses, I would be ending this relationship. If she’ll mistreat you on something this obvious, I wouldn’t trust her in other areas of the relationship.
And on the way out, tell her you made another bad investment.
> she immediately got defensive and kind of snotty.
> She then said that she shouldn’t be penalized for making more money by earning her new job, and I am being greedy by trying to get out of paying my fair share of things. Her argument was that I should be happy that she got her new job, but supposedly the only reason that I am acting happy is because it gives an opportunity for me to get money out of her. She then told me that I am untrustworthy with money due to a history of bad decisions with it.
> She argued that if I use more of my income on living expenses, I will have less opportunity to throw it away on stupid things like stocks or things we don’t need, so she is “protecting” me by making sure I don’t have as much money.
Um…wow. The word I would normally use to describe your girlfriend is not one I’m allowed to use in this sub, but make no mistake, she is being offensive.
She was more than happy to let you pay the larger share when your income was higher, but now that the shoe is on the other foot, she’s coming up with ridiculous reasons why she should still pay the smaller share despite earning more money. You’re not “getting money out of her”, you’d just be retaining more of your own money because you’d both be paying proportional costs. She’d still have more of her own money, she just wouldn’t have quite as much as she has now.
Give your girlfriend one last chance to approach this conversation maturely. Create a spreadsheet and line up the numbers. If the numbers you gave above are correct, she is earning 58% of the household income to your 42%, and should be paying 58% of joint expenses. If you want to simplify it, go back to the 55/45 model so did can’t complain “it’s all too complicated” (even though it isn’t).
Line up what you guys are paying now, and what you would be paying under the revised model. Also work out how much money you both have left over at the end of the day. I imagine that for her, the difference between what she pays won’t be that much, but how much you stand to save (as a portion of your income) will be more substantial.
If she is willing to engage in this conversation, there is hope. If she refuses to discuss it, or tries to twist it into some ridiculous claim (“you’re trying to steal from me”, “I’m actually saving you from yourself”), then she’s revealed herself to me a terrible partner who is comfortable taking advantage of you.
I only made it about halfway through.
I would be gone.
Thats way too much hypocricy for me.
She is a tight wad and making excuses to keep her own New made Money, honey. It now really should be Split in half and when you both go out? Go Dutch. If she refuses to be fair with You, Maybe it is time to re-figure this relationship with this woman you thought you knew.
She’s selling you excuses in order to get out of a fair deal. This should be a deal breaker. She loves the double standard. She’s selfish and greedy and doesn’t want the same kind of partnership as you do. This is a preview into “your money is both of yours, her money is just hers”. Gross and backwards. Call her out on it. Call her out in her bullshit excuse and ask her if she is the same person she was as a teenager and how she’d feel if you judged her based on what she did as a teen. She’s taking you for a ride.
this is pretty shitty. let her pay 100% by moving out
Yes, you are bad with money if you made the same amount, yet you still paid 100% for dates and extras. She’s been ripping you off for 4 years. Not cool.
Nope. She has rules for you and a different set of rules for her.
Tell her that you’re proud of her for earning more money however she needs to pay 60/40. Explain to her that it’s only fair because she expected you to pay more in bills on top of you payi g for dates. If she dismisses you or tries to gaslight you, I’d rethink the relationship. She is being greedy and selfish and doesn’t want to work with you as a team based on agreements that happened when you got a pay raise.
Stop being steam rolled by her and refuse to pay more than half. It is silly you both are splitting things based on income. You are roommates and not married. Split the bills in half and this will no longer be an issue.
Wow she’s an awful, selfish person. The double standard here is galling.
>She then said that she shouldn’t be penalized for making more money by earning her new job, and I am being greedy by trying to get out of paying my fair share of things.
So what she means is, when you made more she was penalising you for making more money, and she was being greedy by getting out of paying her fair share of things.
>Her argument was that I should be happy that she got her new job, but supposedly the only reason that I am acting happy is because it gives an opportunity for me to get money out of her.
And what she means here is, she was never happy about *your* new job, just happy she could get the money out of you.
**In all**, she’s a raging hypocrite and thinks she’s allowed to be selfish but any attempt to balance things in both directions (rather than just the direction that benefits her) is unacceptable.
I guess she’s told you who she really is. I’d believe her.
You got played and didn’t even realize it. She doesn’t want to pay more and is willing to say whatever to justify it. Stay on topic next time, and stick to the facts. If you split expenses based on income then that’s what it is
> She says she doesn’t trust me with money and am trying to steal her hard-earned cash.
Why stick around at this point?
She has managed to change the subject. It was a discussion about what is fair and equitable. Now its a discussion of your (supposedly) poor decisions in the past.
This approached has worked admirably for her – you are so bamboozled that you are completely focused on this “lack of trust” when the original debate was never about that. It was originally about a fair allocation of income and expenses. She is showing that she is not prepared to do the same for you as you did for her in the past. She has an enormous double standard.
Calculate a similar fair and reasonable split based on the past arrangement when it was you making the larger income. Propose you adopt this now that she has the larger income. You can then:
a) Suck it up and continue to be used when she refuses.
b) Break it off with her when she refuses.
She has been using smoke and mirrors to confuse and deflect you from the real issue.
First off separate your finances now. She is manipulating you and if you do not have respect for your self how will she. Tell her the new split. If she does not agree the it is time to break up with her. She will get more and more controlling as time goes on.
Do not consider a person like this as a potential wife what ever you do.
Are both your names on the lease? When is it up?
This doesn’t sound like it bodes well for the future of the relationship. Ask her again next time the rent is due. If she holds her same position, I’d start paying 50% and begin my plans for moving on once you figure your way out of the living situation.
OP… you don’t have to convince her of anything. She knows. She just doesn’t want to do it.
That’s not a good sign.
You’re 24, save some money and time by leaving her. She’s just throwing excusing left and right to overload your brain into thinking you fucked up somewhere.
She should pay 100% of the rent. So should you. Separately.
Flip everything around. She’s projecting.
Your girlfriend is shocking manipulative. That’s the bigger red flag here. It’s one thing to be greedy and just not want to pay more, but to manipulate you into believing she’s somehow “protecting your finances” by forcing you to pay more towards bills even though she makes significantly more money is egregious.
Relationships that begin in your early twenties rarely last for this exact reason. When both people are very young, inexperienced, and just starting out in life it’s easy to appear to have the same values — because you don’t have a choice.
Both of you were (and are) very young, you both made the same amount of money, you both work, so the obvious choice was 50/50.
But now her true character is being revealed. It’s easy to hide because up u til now you hadn’t been confronted with any circumstance that would reveal it.
Now that your income is no longer equal, her real character is revealed. She believes her money is hers, and your money is “ours”. She had no problem asking you to pay more when you received a slight raise, but now that it’s her turn suddenly you’re an irresponsible child?
So why was she dating you this long if you can’t be trusted in such a fundamental area? Why wasn’t this ever discussed before if it’s such a major issue? The obvious answer is that it’s complete bullshit.
She’s a total hypocrite. Do not keep paying 55/45. It should be 60/40. But she clearly is not interested in a long term relationship with you. It sounds like she will extract whatever resources she can until the resentment builds and you’ll break up.
Tell her that her logic is hypocritical and unacceptable. Draw a hard boundary. You’re only paying either 40% or 60% and that’s it. Do not pay for anything else. Start a savings account and make sure she doesn’t have access because I don’t see this relationship lasting much longer.
Also prepare for her to blame you when the inevitable breakup occurs. She will tell all your friends you were jealous of her raise and couldn’t handle it. You know this is a lie but it won’t matter.
Regardless, this is not the type of person you want to be with. It will set the standard for your entire future. She will continue to build her personal wealth, while your financial contributions will be expected to be used to support her. I would just get out now.
This is ridiculous imo, and completely unfair. At least go back to 50/50. I’m not one to complain about money personally but if my s/o was saying this shit I’d probably consider ending it as that means they have no trust in me.
At the very least it’s time to go back to 50/50 and back charge her for all the extra you payed over the time you made more. Her convenient logic is petty and self serving and I would stand for it. She’s openly willing to financially abuse you.
I would suggest to focus on making 86 k or more . And rage quitting the relationship. She sees you as a mooch off. It’s patriarchy/chivalry when convenient.
This is not about the split of finances anymore. She’s just shown you that she’s pretty selfish, and doesn’t think a lot about you if she brings up a mistake made 5 years ago and says you’re not happy for her just happy for her money.
There’s a point at which I start questioning what’s really going on before I consider her moving out so she can keep all her money for herself if she wants that so badly . Feels sexist but I don’t know what the underlying issue is
Are you ok footing 100% of your own bills, or getting a roomie?
Cause that’s what’s about to happen.
She’s throwing major red flags here.
I’d dump her. She took advantage of you when it benefitted her. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them.
Here is how you’re going to make her pay her share: MOVE OUT. 🙂
I swear, then she’ll realize how ‘sweet’ of a deal she’s had with you. If I’m getting paid more than my husband, of course I’ll pick up more tabs, it’s just common sense. Then again, I consider my husband as a partner, we’re a team.
Your gf on the other hand doesn’t see you guys as one team. Maybe also, she doesn’t see staying with you in the future…I won’t be surprised if she wants to save up as much $$ as she can so she can leave you behind too.
Dude, you are getting played here. This has ZERO to do with how good you are with money. It’s about the equitable distribution of expenses. Some couples go 50/50, regardless of their income. You’ve already established that you are willing to adjust based on income. Your gf is actually arguing that even though she makes more YOU should pay more because you’ll just waste it anyway. Then she’s misdirecting with “aren’t you happy for me”, and accusing you of just wanting to get money out of her, as if somehow paying a proportional share is no longer the thing you do and never existed. She knows this is 100% bullshit, and the fact that she would even say it should speak volumes. You’ve dating a person that believes the rules should benefit her, and isn’t afraid to use manipulation to change them when they suddenly don’t anymore. Her job is brand new, it seems, so you may want to give her a little more time to get her head out of her ass. If she doesn’t, you’re going to need to accept reality. Regardless of the money, the sort of person who would handle any conflict in this manner is not someone you should ever seriously commit to. You’ll have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone you know you can never marry.
By the way, if you get a significant raise, she’ll go right back to saying that you should pay more because you make more. She doesn’t look at you as a “partner”, she sees you as someone who is there to benefit her. That’s what her behavior revealed, and that’s your real problem here.
Go back to a 50/50 split. It’s financial abuse if she is forcing you to spend your money to “protect” you.