i found out i was gay when i was 18. never had any experiences with guys. They simply didn’t interest me.

Disclaimer: when i drink i really lose control of myself and i do everything i would never do when sober & also quite a “new drinker” since i just started drinking on weekends 3 months ago.

2 weeks ago my best friend and I went out with the guy she is seeing and his friend, who i’ll call X. It was a random thing, i had never met X before, he just happened to be there too so the 4 of us hung out together at a bar. (All of them know i am gay.)
I arrived there already drunk asf. The guys were sober and my bestie was tipsy.
X and i start talking and i dont know how but we end up holding and playing with each others hands. I genuinely don’t remember how that started. I also had two shots.

So we talk about what he does etc and i think at some point i asked him what his type is& he started describing me.

At one point he asks me if i want to go to the other side of the bar where u can play bowling. I said ok and he helps me walk there and all. I wasn’t really interested in playing, i kept just engaging in some way but i was way too gone and sadly i don’t remember the details. But he was very cute with me and we kept hugging &etc.

My friend and her guy joined us and they start playing while X and i were just there… flirting. He wanted me to be close to him and sometimes i would pull away and he’d try to get me close again.

I don’t remember the whole detailed dynamic but thats the resume. After that we end up in the car. X and i were sitting in the back.

So now we were really close. Hugging, kissing on the cheeks… i also kissed his neck. Bit him. And the whole time he tried to make out with me but i kept telling him no i am gay.
He did kept trying though like intensely.

I will admit my behavior was without doubts teasing. There was lots of flirting, from both sides. I kept telling him i wanted to be close to him cause i am affectionate but i told him not in a secsual way lol.
I touched him ALMOST everywhere. He also got handsy. I don’t know what was going on with me, but yes, i was without doubts giving him all the signals i guess. But then i didn’t let him kiss me. Which i regret.

My friend and the guy were in the front talkimg, listeninf to music and driving so they didn’t really interact with us.

I am definitely leaving out lots of interactions and actions that happened but i just don’t remember. Whats for sure is that i was leading him on, and he was into me i guess.
He did tell me he had never met a girl like me lol but i don’t think that was very positive seen the circumstances haha.

Anyway…. At the end when we said goodbye i kinda hugged him and he said nah do it the right way, & lifted my arms and hugged me tightly. Ugh so cheesy i know but i was melting lol.

The day after i was confused and i had no idea of how i actually felt.
Nothing happened, didn’t see him again until this last Saturday. I was at a bar with my friend and her guy. I was drunk, again.

We were sitting and then X shows up. He comes up to us, says hello with a hand shake, and then tells me “you look like a doll tonight”. I was speechless and i just told him i was sorry for last time and i don’t remember what he said lol i think he said something like dont worry.

He then immediately went to another table with another friend. He was standing across the room and our eyes would meet very occasionally. At one point he came up to me with a shot for me and him. I was like thank u and then while drinking i spilled some on my face/lips and he gestured to clean myself, then left again. That was our last interaction.

My besties guy, his friend, said that X was obsessed with me & i always “bring guys to the water and then don’t let them drink” & he has never met a girl like me. drunk me just shrugged & rolled her eyes and laughed. I should have asked him why he said X is obsessed with me.

The day after it hit me. Slowly and then all at once, like they say. I am realizing that i am attracted to this guy. It hasn’t happened in years. I was so sure i was a lesbian.
But like somehow i understand… besides his gender, he’s really my type.

I know i was drunk the only night i hung out with him but i remember him saying two or three things that imo show he’s smart + he is smooth and just has game. He happens to have the kind of smoothness and game that i find desperately attractive and i haven’t met lots of people with that sort of charisma.

The only thing that bothers me is that he f0rced himself on me even after i kept dodging him kissing me but then i also tell myself uhm girl uwere really leading him on. But then i also tell myself that i was drunk and he wasn’t at all.

Idk. That part feels weird and it’s complicated tbh but to me thats not the most important part rn.

Idk what to do. I have zero contact with him and the only way of seeing him is hanging out at a specific bar.
I could go there + my bestie is seeing his friend anyway, (they are often together) but lik What then.

Part of me wants to confess i am attracted to him to him. While drunk tho. But i also don’t want to. He knows i am gay so i would have to backtrack / tell him i realized i am bisexual.

And then what. Iam so lost. i already have to deal with the fact that i might be bi. Which is so confusing to me.
I don’t even know how he feels about me. Like yeah that night he was all over me but that doesn’t mean anything tbh.

I kept thinking about the phrase his friend said, that X is obsessed with me but like why should i believe it. Idk everything is confusing and weird idk what to do.

The truth is deep down i just want to tell him that i am attracted to him but i have such a big ego and am in general very proud AND shy about my feelings especially when i am not sure what the other person thinks. I could only ever do it while drunk. But like its sober me that has to decide what to do and how to act.

I havent even told my best friend about my attraction yet. She doesn’t know and doesn’t suspect anything. I don’t even have the balls to tell her. No idea why.

This isn’t the first time i end up flirting or getting affectionate with guys WHILE DRUNK. But its the first time i actually felt something.

And since Saturday i keep thinking about him, replaying every scene in my head. I really think i have a crush.

How should i behave? Whats the first step in this mess?

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