Hi, I’m going to preface this by saying that I have been cheated on in the past, my first marriage (20-25) was to a man much older than me, and ended when I found out he had a child with a girl even younger than me (who he cheated on with a girl even younger than him..) the point is I don’t have the healthiest relationship background. I’ve been in therapy for years, my current husband of course knows about all of this and our relationship is wonderful, we have two amazing kids and a house and good jobs, but sometimes I still get paranoid like an intrusive thought and sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between if it’s that or an actual issue.
So I’m going to keep some things somewhat vague for identification reasons. I’m 37f, my husband is 39m and “Caitlin” is 30f. Caitlin is married but her husband is away with work for a number of months. Caitlin is very nice, she comes over for dinner a lot. We get along great but it is undoubtable that she is closer to my husband than me. She opens up more to my husband, she has an easier time talking to him, has more to talk about with him, etc. Its nothing I take personally, sometimes you just match frequencies really well with certain people.
This is where my issue lies. Caitlin works somewhere where she is outside a lot. My husband passes by her job every day on his way to work, and brings her a coffee and 2-3 days a week breakfast. Sometimes their lunch breaks align and he goes to her job for lunch.
It’s not a matter of me feeling left out- I work an hour and a half away, him bringing me breakfast or us meeting up for lunch isn’t possible, but one of my coworkers found out my husband does this (her daughter works at the same place as Caitlin) and joked around that it sounds like Caitlin is my husbands “part time wife” and he’s her stand in husband while hers is away, I know this coworker was just joking but it still began the intrusive thoughts and I just want to know if I’m being paranoid or if there is reason to be worried. Thank you!
11 comments
They are just friends…. You are over thinking this. No one has overstepped a boundary here. Men and women can be friends without sexual/romantic feelings being involved.
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this is the wrong place for advice.. that said.. it’s inappropriate
How do you all even know Caitlin?
I personally wouldn’t like. Every week doin all that extra? Does he do the same extra for you?
Wow. Soooooooooo not ok. That’s romantic behavior. Please do not be naive!!!!!! Bringing her coffee and breakfast multiple times a week? Oh hell no, this is an emotional affair if not physical yet
I would definitely stop having her over
Personally, I wouldn’t like this at all, and would never allow it. You’ve done a good job to be as easy-going as you have been about this. I should say, that I am not saying for one second that your husband is cheating, or that anything is going on. But in my mind this is too much. And I don’t think the joke about your husband and Caitlin being each other’s ‘second’ husband/wife is that far off the mark. Even if nothing is going on. Don’t invite trouble.
Should just say, if Caitlin is really quite unattractive, and you’re absolutely sure that he’s not attracted to her and would never be attracted to her in a million years, you can pretty much throw out everything I’m about to say. But if that’s not the case, read on.
There’s this part in a Dicken’s novel where David Copperfield’s wife is much too lenient with the household staff, and they starting taking more and more advantage, and stealing. He chastises her not just for the leniency alone, but because he says she’s actually got a moral responsibility for having _turned_ them into thieves, by presenting them with so much opportunity, when they otherwise would never have done so. It’s always stuck with me.
What may have started as completely innocuous – what may still be completely innocuous – can evolve. What if the marriage between Caitlin and her husband becomes strained with how long he is away for. Perhaps her feelings change.there’s several different “perhaps this and perhaps that. No, you can’t prevent someone from cheating if they want to; and people may say if he’s going to cheat we would do it anyway, and with anybody. But the real world isn’t like that. There are people who are really cheaters – it’s a characteristic. And then there are people who never cheat. And then there are all the people in-between.
My ex would never, ever have had a friendship like this with a woman, because it’s too personal, and creates questions and may lodge doubts. Don’t create questions. they’re not needed. It’s actually easy to maintain a friendship that always sticks to a level that never creates doubts.
This is your husband and the father of your children. It is not asking too much for him to ensure there is always that degree of distance so as to not raise any doubts at all.
I would speak to your husband and say “I’m very glad that you and Caitlin are friends and get on. But I think that for married partners, close friendships with someone of the opposite sex should have boundaries and some degree of reserve. I’ve been jokingly told that Caitlin is your second/other wife, and that you’re her fill-in husband while her husband is away. I don’t want to hear this again. I am not telling you to cut off the friendship at all. But I am asking you to not create any questions”. Nothing further, no demands, no questions, no discussion. Just put it out there.
You could tell him you are uncomfortable with him doing that.
I don’t think having her over and having dinner with her is the problem, like someone else suggested. I think that actually makes it less weird, that they are willing to hang out around you, too.
I do think the amount of times he brings her coffee and breakfast, and has lunch with her does send a weird message. I don’t actually think anything is an issue if your relationship is healthy and Caitlin’s is healthy, but–
I also don’t think you’d be out of line for asking him to limit these times he spends with her. Something reasonable for both of you, like: ‘I’d be comfortable with you guys going out to lunch together every other week, but more often makes me uncomfortable with the amount of time you spend, one-on-one.’
You need to talk to him and tell him how uncomfortable you are, especially because of your past and set a hard and firm boundary. Maybe get into marriage counseling to help solidify your marriage and assuage your fears. But let him know if he doesn’t respect your boundaries there will be repercussions.