Hey y’all, my recently married wife and I are in a bit of a bind and I’m just looking for a little perspective. Her dad has always been a bit eccentric, and ultimately an issue is that he lives off of social security and is not willing to pursue any kind of employment. He has always kindve floated place to place, declared bankruptcy when the cards got maxed, etc. to make it work.
At this point, everyone but us in his family has effectively cut him off. His current situation is that his expenses are higher than his soc security income, and he is heading to another bankruptcy. He is already having significant issues finding places to live, and has stayed in some pretty sketchy areas. Unfortunately, I will tell you now that he will not take any action and is going to take no effort to course correct. He will just dodge bills, collections, etc. for as long as he can.
My new wife wants him to move in with us, so that way he can be taken care of. I am a little hesitant…I do understand that aging parents & taking care of them is a thing in marriage, and maybe I am just selfish, but I am a bit frustrated with him. Again, he has more or less told her that “it is her fault if he ends up homeless”, and it is in our means to have him move in…but I feel he should make some kind of effort to resolve his own situation. He is the type that will never leave the house during the day, and (while my wife says it will be temporary) I do not believe he would ever move out willingly down the line. Other people he moved in with in his family had to take drastic legal action to evict him.
I feel guilty for having these reservations, and know I need to step up to do the right thing by my wife (if it was my parent, I would want her to help)…but the situation seems frustrating. I wish there was another way to help him out, but he has been living this way for 10+ years and is unlikely to ever change.
TL:dr Wife wants her Middle Aged dad to move in with us since he can’t afford a place. However, he has never made any discernible effort to proactively resolve his own financial situation, and I’m unsure if as a young newlywed I am ready to commit to a potential 30+ years of him living with us.
27 comments
You know if you allow him to move in he will not leave. This will also hamper any “bedroom” time with your wife. Tough love may be the only way forward, you cannot help someone unwilling to help themselves.
Absolutely do not let him move in. He’ll never leave. And his presence will destroy your marriage.
He’s only 50 and already on social security? Is he disabled? Perhaps you can help your wife research facilities where he could be placed. Help her help him. But again, do not let him stay with you. Not even for one night.
50 is so young and 30+ years is a very long time as you may know.
Is buying a place where there’s a separate house on the lot possible? Or asking the family to chip in for a place for him?
In the end, it’s your life and you only get one. I wouldn’t do it out of obligation if you’re going to be miserable the majority of your life.
Dont let him move in, he is a grown ass man who can help himself.
Consider suggesting you two have a few couples therapy sessions and discuss this issue there!
Then youre not the “bad guy”, any halfway decent therapist will see whats up here and discuss how necessary healthy boundaries are for your wife to set with her dad (i mean ALL other fam members have cut him off…why?? Its NOT because he is “eccentric” its because as YOU know, he moved in like a parasite with other fam members until they had to sue him (!?) to get him out of their houses).
Please, do NOT have him move in.
Good luck.
He sounds like he might have mental health issues. The only way to help him and remain independent is to persue conservatorship/ guardianship because then you can apply for aid and state programs for him. Taking him into your home would be a bad idea. He’s likely not going to adjust well to living with people at all.
Hey here’s an idea, get him in touch with a social worker through SS and let the social worker take care of those issues. That’s what they are there for. At least that’s how it works in my state.
He’s 50….not aging. I’m 46 and have arthritis, work a full time job, I sure as hell am not an “aging parent” when I turn 50. Is he mentally ill or disabled. If he moves in, he’ll never leave. He’s just lazy.
You are focked. It is not gonna end well. You need counseling for your wife.
Unless you have some sort of detached in-law suite for him to move into, then no. Any help you give him should be limited to financial counseling.
Id say fuck that
>My new wife wants him to move in with us, so that way he can be taken care of.
He is 50 years old! He is young. Are you adopting a 50 year old child and supporting him for the next 40 years? That’s what you are being asked. It won’t be temporary lol
He is going to max your wife’s cards and you’ll have to file for bankruptcy.
Go to couple’s counseling with your wife.
My dads a decade older than her dad and commutes 3 hours every day to work in the rain with a leg that swells from being broken. Her dad has no excuse. He isn’t old. He doesn’t need to be taken care of like an 80 year old
You must not be in the US, because 50-year-olds can’t draw Social Security.
That aside, his living situation is his choice. It’s fine that he’s a lazy ass who doesn’t want to work, but then he has to live with everything that comes with that lifestyle. He’s an adult and you have no obligation to bail him out of a situation he could easily fix himself. Whether or not you provide him financial assistance, never, EVER let him move in with you, or you’ll never get rid of him.
Explain to your wife that your marriage would never survive it, and ask her if she’s willing to risk a divorce to take him in.
Forget the “reservations”. This is a big NO, and your wife shouldn’t put you in this position.
Why don’t you suggest moving into a home for people on social security. Pay for about 3 months and than he’s on his own. It sucks but id communicate how you explained it here to your wife. Offer helping him “outside the house” for three months and that’s it. Y’all marriage has to come first now. That’s the point of getting married. Even parents get put on the back burner.
If you allow him to move in, your marriage is over. Might as well start looking for a lawyer and a place to live.
It’s going to bring nothing but turmoil and chaos in your marriage. DON’T DO IT!
No. Fucking. Way would I let that happen
Don’t do it. I was one of four children. The only one who stepped up when my mom “could not work” aka as lazy as shit. Fifteen years of looking after her. Having to base every decision around an adult dependant who wouldn’t even lift a finger to do anything but expected everything to be handed to them. If I did it all over I would never have allowed her to ever move in.
He’s not an “aging parent” really….50 is not old. That term is used for a much older person. This guy just wants a free ride in life and he will never change. You move him in and you will be saddled with him for the rest of his life which could be another 40 years. Don’t do it. It would be disastrous. He’s just a dead beat really. And how dare he blame your wife saying it will be her fault if he ends up homeless. He did this to himself. He’s also abusing the system big time.
Your wife is not responding to reason and her father is manipulating her.
You need to go for couples counselling and to see a financial advisor/debt charity who will put it in black and white to your wife about the financial damage you will experience not just from him living of you but the 99% chance of your financial scores being damaged so you cannot get a mortgage, credit etc. when he takes credit out on your address.
When you choose a lifelong partner, financial compatibility is a major thing.
This is a situation he has chosen twice. You are not the first people he has approached. You are not the first people he has messed over. Your wife cannot change her father and he will nonchalantly attempt to destroy her and her life in the process as he has done other family.
If you let him move in you are just enabling him to continue this lifestyle. I wouldn’t let him move in and draw a firm boundary with your wife.
Grown ass people that don’t take care of themselves are not your responsibility. My abusive mother tried to pull this same crap when she also backed herself into a corner. If you let him move in, he will never leave and will more than likely ruin your marriage. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to get credit in your name and ruins yours. Tread carefully.
He’s 50, fuck no, not until he can pull his own weight, then I’d have no issue
He is only 50. This is not a situation where one is trying to take care of an elderly parent. 50 is very young. He may live for another 30-40 years, are you willing to do this for that long? Just choosing to not work at that age is just BS. Put your foot down now and make sure he does not move in or you will regret it.
No!!
Say goodbye to your marriage if he moves in. He will cause havoc and use your money. You may have to tell your wife why you don’t want him freeloading off you. She needs to work on why she feels guilty and setting boundaries. He is dysfunctional and will not change.
What he is entitled to is adult social services. He is not entitled to freeload off you until he becomes too incapacitated to care for himself.