As the title says I feel so broken and stupid because I have no social skills. Like zip zero zilch. Now this all starts when I was in grade two for a couple of reasons. 1. I failed the class because of my learning disability. 2. This kid would not stop poking me in the back through the hole of the chair with pencil crayons to bug me and I would turn around tell him to knock it off and get in trouble. So the teacher put me on one side of the class where all the bad kids go in a single row. It was not a fun time but I couldn’t do anything about it. Because I’m not just going to let some kid do that to me. Now after I failed and was held back all the new students I was with didn’t really care for me that much and because kids are assholes at least these ones sorry not sorry. I never really made friends except for 3 people 1 God rest her soul passed away and the other 2 we don’t talk anymore because they’re living their own life now.
So I never really got a chance to develop social skills with anybody or be around people long enough to learn the things you need to When becoming a social human being like I said. Now there were kids on my block that I used to hang out with young children, some that were my age, a bit older, or a bit younger. But these older ones would pick on me and I was stupid and kept going back to hang out with them because they were all I had. Until I made some other friends that didn’t live on my block and when we would hang out they would invite me places like camp for a walk places in my city and my mother would always say maybe next time when I asked to go with them even if they’re adults would be there. But there was never a next time. My own mother didn’t even want to go out and do things with me or spend time with me and still doesn’t. I’ve turned into an introvert I don’t want to go places and interact with people or try to socialize with them because it’s too difficult for me.
I could literally be in a conversation with someone and nothing will come to my mind to talk about to say next after they’ve said something to me. It’s like my brain goes blank and I just hate it so much. Also when people are having a conversation with me and they’re laughing about something funny or they say something that’s supposed to be funny to me I will fake laugh because I don’t want to look like an idiot for not finding it funny like them and it becomes exhausting after a while. I want to watch things or hear things, laugh naturally and find it funny but I just don’t because of my mind and the way it works and I hate it. It also causes me to overthink a lot when I’m having a conversation with a friend because I’m always wondering am I saying the right things? Am I bothering this person? Are we having a good conversation? Do they really like me as a friend or are they just being nice to nice to walk away? Just so many things and I just don’t know what to do.
Over the years I’ve had so many people walk out of my life that were friends with me and have abandoned me and it just hurts so much trying to make a friend and never being able to keep one. I mean I have a friend right now that I speak to but I can’t help but feel certain things about our conversations and it’s hard to explain to people and I don’t want to say it out loud to this person because I don’t want to push them away or annoy them or bother them you know. So I try to talk to family members about it and explain it to them as best I can to get their perspective. But I feel like it’s pointless because it’s like they don’t fully want to answer me and give me just a quick response and then go on to talk about themselves which isn’t helpful to me. So I just sit here frustrated and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else experienced this in their life or something similar if so please feel free to share I’d like everyone’s thoughts and opinions?