I’m a 25F who outside of her partner, doesn’t really have any friends. This isn’t a new development, I’ve always struggled to connect to people. In primary/secondary school, I was verbally and physically bullied because of my weird behavior (I have social anxiety and ASD which were undiagnosed at the time) and became very withdrawn, a characteristic that I continued to exhibit into university. Looking back, I know I did not try hard enough. I was fortunate enough to find a wonderful and understanding partner who has always encouraged me to be more social. While I do love interacting with his friend group (who are all lovely people), I feel like I cannot use him as a crutch and rely on him for all of my social needs.
I’ve spent the past few years making more of an effort to be sociable- I sign up for volunteering, chat with my coworkers and I’ve even tried using friend networking apps. I’m now pretty good at small talk and I get along well with most people. However, I can never seem to move beyond small talk. I feel like the next step to becoming friends would be to do something relaxed like go for a coffee, a walk or start chatting via messaging, but when I do offer to do these things, people either ignore me or tell me that they are not interested (I do make it clear that this isn’t a romantic interest, and have always been transparent about the fact that I’m in a long term relationship).
I’d really like to hear from someone else if this is too strong of a next stage, or if you have any ideas for how I can properly bond with people in the long term. I’m proud of how far I’ve come in terms of social skills, but still feel very socially isolated.
Thank you in advance!
2 comments
Congrats on the progress you’ve made! I think you’re correct in realizing your partner can’t be your “everything” and it would be super helpful to branch out beyond him. And as far as procedure you’re doing the right THINGS, absolutely! The small talk, the conversations, even the desire to take the next step to invite them to do something. (People frequently don’t realize they need to invite people to do things OUTSIDE the place where they know them from.)
So I’m just going to guess that the problem here is your vibe. Here are a few ideas that might be helpful. People connect less on words, and more on emotion. WHAT you’re saying actually matters less than HOW you’re saying it.
A lot of people kind of present themselves as what I call a ‘gray box.’ Their tone is neutral, their presentation is a bit bland, if they’re feeling emotion they tend to suppress it or hide it. A lot of that is just natural self-protective instinct. We don’t want to stand out or draw attention to ourselves. And we fall into a pattern of blandness that comes across as boring, blah or just not remarkable in any way.
So if that’s the case for you, it may be less a matter of anyone liking or disliking you, and more a matter of they don’t feel any special connection, in spite of the conversations.
I think it’s helpful to have a bit of energy, some warmth, friendliness, which comes especially from your smile and your tone of voice. Also it’s important to come from a place of authenticity, so before trying to project more warmth, work on actually feeling that way in your heart.
I suggest practicing this in brief interactions to try it out, and if you make it into a habit it’ll feel more natural. So practice with people like: grocery cashiers, bank tellers, shop clerks, restaurant servers, dry cleaners, gym attendants. Start with eye contact, then light up a big smile, and give an energetic greeting. After doing this for a while during your brief interactions you’ll come to learn that YOU can set the emotional tone of any encounter. And people usually respond in kind.
So I’d give at least 10-20 percent more energy than you’re used to giving.
That’s where I’d start. Good luck!
You are realizing that your partner cannot be the only person in your life. That’s a huge step to prevent neediness and actually keep that partner in your life. Now read all the tips listed here, especially the ones on genuinely connecting with people, adding value to people’s lives, and being genuinely busy in your life: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/trlexh/how_to_avoid_being_needy_or_stop_being_needy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf