I (28, M) started dating someone (27,F) last December after initially agreeing to try a friends with benefits situation. Initially last September we went on a few dates and both ended up connecting really well, and at that point wanted to move things more slowly and try to get to know each other a little better. Then in December we decided to make things official. I’ve liked her from the start, but I’ve always gotten the feeling that she felt way more strong about me than vice versa. Even a few months into the relationship she told me she loved me, and at first I felt guilty because I wasn’t feeling that strongly yet, and it took me several more months to say it back and not feel like I was lying. Additionally, she talks constantly about marriage and wanting to spend the rest of her life with me, which usually makes me anxious. There are some moments where I can imagine a future that far ahead with her, but usually it just puts me on edge. I know that I am naturally a more cautious and slow person when it comes to relationships, and so I’m having a hard time figuring out if this anxiety is just something that will go away over time, or if it is my gut reaction telling me that I don’t want to be with this person forever. It hasn’t even been a year of dating yet, so I get nervous at the thought of committing to marriage and having kids with someone I feel like I’m still getting to know. She also tells me very intense things sometimes, even earlier on in the relationship, like how she thinks I’m “the one” and her soulmate. I know I sound so ungrateful for bringing this up like it’s a problem, but I just don’t understand how she felt that way so quickly into our relationship, especially when I am so unsure of everything and don’t think I feel that intensely.
Most aspects of our relationship are amazing, she is incredibly kind and supportive of everything that I do, and she is genuinely so sweet and has so many amazing qualities that I admire. We communicate well, and when we do argue, we’re both very level headed and respectful. Despite all of that, something just feels off or wrong with our relationship and I’m worried that there is a part of me that is staying with her out of guilt or worry that she will do something self-destructive if we break up.
She has quite a few mental health issues, which I have my own fair share of as well, and we both have actively been working on and going to therapy for. She has bipolar with pretty severe depression as well as bulimia which has been severe in the past couple of months. A while ago while I was at my job she was alone at my place and then disclosed later on that she threw up a ton of times while I was gone, and said it was easier to do so because nobody was at the house. She never implied I was to blame for that, but I kind of put guilt on myself for that situation, that if I had been there maybe she wouldn’t have purged. On our second or third date she listed every single trauma and bad incident that she had ever gone through. At the time I thought it was understandable and brave, and her reasoning for doing so that early made sense. But as time goes on, it seemed like kind of an odd thing to do that early, and I feel like those issues that she brought up in that moment keep coming back. I guess when we first started hanging out, it seemed like those traumas/ past issues and struggles seemed like something she was actively working on, and were no longer issues, but I think I was naive to think that things that significant would go away on their own. I feel like such an asshole, but I just keep thinking to myself “Am I going to have to deal with this forever?” I love her, but I think my own mental health is suffering, and I don’t want the rest of my life to be centered around trauma and misery.
I just feel very lost, and I don’t know if this feeling of nervousness/discomfort is something everyone experiences in a relationship (and can maybe be solved by setting some boundaries), or if these are all warning signs that I need to pay more attention to. Any insight would be really appreciated.
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**TL;DR: 28M dating 27F, having differences in levels of commitment and issues with past trauma**
2 comments
Not to sound crass here but you’re probably anxious because you’re dating a bi-polar bulimic super-clingy person. I would advise taking some time apart and see how she reacts to that. If it’s bad, it’d be nothing compared to the fallout from actually breaking up. But at least then you would know and be able to prepare accordingly.
When you’re still getting to know someone, and they make sweeping declarations like how “you’re the one,” or they can’t wait to be together forever, that, to me, is a form of love bombing. AND a big red flag…
People do this because deep down, they feel insecure and unlovable. So they shower you with affection to create (a false) sense of intimacy; it also gives them some illusion of control and is a way for them to avoid facing difficult feelings.
You are feeling something is off in your gut because deep down you know her words aren’t genuine. She doesn’t really love YOU. She doesn’t even really know you that well. She loves the idea of love. You feel more like an object or instrument to satisfy her ego or to fulfill her needs. In turn, it’s creating a tremendous amount of pressure on you.
I think you should listen to your gut on this one. It never lies. And sure, I understand you’re worried about her, but she is an adult, she must learn to take care of herself and manage her emotions. You are actually enabling her issues by staying with her out of guilt. You also deserve to be happy.