I met a woman on Tinder at the end of July last year. I was initially just looking for a hookup but I fell for her slowly and by September we were official. She’s like no other woman I’ve ever met before. She’s ambitious, classy, beautiful, sexy, loving, smart, and had already graduated with a STEM degree at 22 and moved out of her parents house. We had similar interests and hobbies and even shared almost identical life goals. She was literally everything I’ve ever wanted and even what I didn’t know I wanted.
Everything was going amazing for us. I lived over an hour away from her but made the trip every single weekend to see her and even drove up a few late nights to see her after work. I even spent thanksgiving with her and her family. She was planning on getting a better job five hours away but we had already made plans for me to go with her and move in after I graduated college this May.
Around December she started acting more closed off and distant. I got COVID around that time and didn’t see her for nearly three weeks as well. At the beginning of January she came down to see me, which was rare and her idea. She brought me a bunch of my stuff I had left at her place under the guise of just returning it. She didn’t stay long and made the excuse that she had to go back to let her dog out (which was never a worry before).
The next day I went down to see her and get dinner. Over dinner she was still very quiet and distant. On the drive back to her place she said that she didn’t want to do long distance and asked what I wanted to do. She said we were either going to break up now or probably break up in a month or two when she gets the job. I initially agreed to end things but she wanted to remain friends with benefits until she left, which I agreed to. I kinda felt the relationship dying and her affection drying up and just wanted that to all end. Sometimes towards the end I felt like I was laying in bed with a stranger.
The next morning, it all hit me. I called her and told her I loved her and wanted to make things work no matter what, but she didn’t want to. Eventually we met up a few more times and she confided in me that a big motivation in her wanting to break up was because I wasn’t as far along in my career as her and I was uncertain about what I wanted to do after graduating. Also that I still lived with my parents while going to school. Basically worried that I was going to be a lazy bum like her ex-fiancé supposedly was.
My future had been a contentious topic from the early stages of our relationship when I told her that I was uncertain if I wanted to go into a very high paying but difficult profession that required 4 more years of school like I originally planned. That was in the end of September and she basically gave me an ultimatum to figure out what I wanted to do by December or we might have to break up. I didn’t take this threat too seriously and honestly kinda took her for granted.
By the end of January I had grown frustrated and angry. I felt like she was leading me on and keeping me around for insurance while trying to find something better. This all came to a head after I found her on tinder despite her telling me she didn’t want to date or have any hookups at least until she moved. One night she ignored my messages for 8 hours and I assumed she was probably out with somebody else and I kinda blew up on her.
After that night she said she wanted two weeks of no contact. After the two weeks were up I didn’t message her but she reached out to me and said she hoped I was doing good. Then said she doesn’t think we should talk or see each other anymore. She eventually got the job five hours away but before she left I offered to take her out one last time but she rejected it. That was four weeks ago and we haven’t talked since.
I still love and miss her greatly. I know what this post sounds like but I don’t care. I’ve made great steps in the past few months to become the man she originally thought I was. Not just for her, but also for me. Is there any possibility of getting her back? I need some serious help guys. Anything is appreciated.
TL;DR – fell in love with a tinder hookup, dated for about six months and she breaks my heart because she wants somebody wealthier and more established in their career
4 comments
You know the first 2 paragraphs remind me of my relationship except the part where I still haven’t met her family yet due to them being extremely strict on guys but this isn’t about me it’s about you.
Sounds like you’re having a very difficult time. It’s been 4 weeks since you last talked to her and she’s still in your head. I’m glad, whatever your name is, you came here and said everything above. I’m sure it’s helped, even a small bit to get it off your chest.
She sounds like a woman who has got everything going for her, she’s successful, smart and even moved out of her parents house. I’m gonna be very honest with you and it may hurt but put yourself in her shoes, would she like to slow it all down for a guy that lives an hour away from her, uncertain with what he wants to do with himself after college and still lived with his parents etc?
You said towards the end of the post that you have made great steps to become the man she wanted you to become and also for the benefit of yourself. I would recommend you keep working on yourself and the more you do the more distracted you’ll become and the more successful. Life doesn’t slow down. The work you put in now will be worth it for years to come. Another girl who will treat you with the love and time you deserve will come around at some point.
No chance, unless she initiates contact with you again.
>One night she ignored my messages for 8 hours and I assumed she was probably out with somebody else and I kinda blew up on her.
You are broken up. She doesn’t owe you ANY replies let alone fast ones, and even if she were out with a new person that would have been none of your business. You blowing up on her was WAAAAAAAAAY out of line and likely the final straw. This does not show any major steps taken to improve yourself – quite the opposite. It shows you as a jealous, clingy ex who can’t handle a breakup with dignity. You showed her a bad bad bad facet of yourself while trying to win her back, and that destroyed what shred of a chance you may have had.
You cannot have a relationship with someone who’s not willing. There are plenty of smart, classy, ambitious women out there, and if you’re worry of one then you can go start something with one of them. Leave this gal alone.
She sounds extremely career driven – is that really the kind of performance pressure you want to live under for the rest of your life?
In your place, I’d figure out my career choices now, and pick the one that suits me best, and not the one my status-driven partner thinks I ought to have. I wouldn’t contact her again for the time being. Either she will realize she misses you and really loves you, regardless of your social status, or she moves on and finds another career crazy man.
The only point where she is right imho is the thing with living with your parents. Whenever I read any relationship story about an incompetent guy on reddit, or hear a friend complain about her inept partner, it’s quite often a guy who moved straight from mommy to their girlfriend’s, and expected the gf to take over all the chores from mommy. Since they never had to deal with their own housework and stuff like rent payments/ utilities etc., they are often completely unable to perform normal adulting, and will drive their partners insane. Don’t be that guy – live on your own for a while and do your own gd laundry! 😉