TL;DR: I’m a very independent person and my best friend from high school always was too but lately she doesn’t seem to talk about anything but her bf or do anything without him. Not sure if I’m being judgmental because I am too independent (something I’m working on) or if this is actually concerning
So I (F24) have been friends with A(F26) since my freshman year of high school. We were pretty much best friends immediately and never stopped even when I went to college over 1000 miles away and she stayed in our home state. Last year, she started dating T (M26). There’s some complicated background about how I know T but basically I knew T from college and we are friends but he was from the same home state as me and A and they met when he moved back after graduating. I still live in the state we went to college in.
A and I have always had differences, obviously but they seem to be more and more obvious the older we get. One big thing I thought we always agreed on was how we’d handle relationships. I think it’s super important to have social lives and friends outside of your significant other and she had always agreed when we talked about this but lately it seems like everything in her life involves T. Every time she calls me now it’s “T did this isn’t it cute” or “T said this super funny thing today.” She literally called me last week just to tell me that T saw a celebrity he liked at a casino.
They also don’t do anything without each other. Every time she’s with friends, he’s there too. Anytime I’m on the phone with her, he’s listening in or she will just tell him what I said.
I also think their living situation is a little whack. They’ve been together for 1.5 years but she moved into his apartment 5 months in and now she lives with him in his grandfathers house rent free. I just can’t imagine being just over a year in and having your entire living situation dependent on your significant other with nothing to back up your tenancy.
The few times I’ve brought this up to her, she tells me I’ll “understand when I’m in love and in an adult relationship” and tells me she feels like I’m judging her. I’ve told her this makes me feel like she’s talking down to me but she doesn’t stop.
All of our mutual friends are me and T’s friends from college so they don’t know her as the independent person I remember and all they see is how in love her and T are so I can’t really talk to them about this. Her friends from college are basically the same as her and don’t do anything without their partners (which is why I’ve never gotten along with them tbh) so I turned to Reddit. Am I being judgmental? I’m known for being independent to a fault (I once walked to the ER with double vision because I didn’t want to ask anyone to drive me) so I know I’m not the most unbiased person but what do you guys think?
10 comments
If she’s happy and it’s a healthy relationship, then I would just be supportive. Like, sure she should maybe be a bit more independent, but you’ve made your opinion known and it’s her life, so let her live it. Perhaps you two have grown apart a little bit and you’re not quite on the same page as much as you used to be…that happens in friendships sometimes.
People grow and change. If you don’t vibe with her anymore you aren’t obligated to continue your friendship with her. I’d say yeah, she may have moved in too soon with him but people gotta make their own choices. Only time will tell if their relationship will go the distance.
To answer your question, yes- you do sound judgmental. It’s normal for couples in the honeymoon phase to be obsessed with each other and want to do everything together. This phase can last upwards of 2 years. As long as she’s happy that’s all that should matter and you constantly raining on her parade makes you a bad friend imo.
What do you actually want here?
If you want time with her one-on-one as her friend, ask clearly for that.
Her choices in partner and living situation are not the issue here. Those are things you should be easily able to agree to disagree on. She’s chosen living situations, which you wouldn’t choose for yourself. That shouldn’t be an issue that comes up with any regularity.
The only question is if this is a friendship you still value, if you still vibe and care for one another, and can enjoy your time together. If so, figure out how you want to share time with one another and don’t pick fights about things that don’t actually impact your life.
She sounds boy crazy and u do sound judgmental but it’s not unwarranted just focus on building other friendships also I hate being a pessimist but that relationship sounds crazy as hell who moves in after 5 months together she ain’t got 2 cents to rub together
Other people have addressed a lot of good points here. There’s one thing I wanted to address that I haven’t seen mentioned though. Her comment to you about “understanding when you’re in love and have an adult relationship” is incredibly condescending. If it’s normal these days for her to talk down to you like that – it may be time to start putting a bit more distance in the friendship.
Fwiw, I went through something very similar at your age with my childhood best friend. Except in my situation the boyfriend (and very quickly husband) was a condescending jackass and my bestie acted like a different person when he was there and also gave up all her dreams and life goals overnight to move to mid nowhere MS and have have babies with the dude. I ended up having to distance myself because my friend was only my friend when he wasn’t around, but he was always around. I haven’t talked to her in several years now and I miss her and it hurts – but it gets easier. We just became different kinds of people that didn’t have much in common anymore. Nobody right or wrong – just different.
It’s one of the harder parts of growing up, but you’re gonna be okay. You’ll meet new people who grew up to be more like you and forge new friendships. Maybe you guys stay in touch, maybe not. But it will all work out in the end.
How does any of this actually affect you?
She doesn’t have to want to the same things in a relationship that you do. I don’t know why that’s being considered a compatibility requirement for friendship. Like, my friends aren’t my friends because they do or don’t do (x) in a relationship…their relationship *with me* is what matters.
Why does it matter that you can’t imagine moving in with someone after a year? That’s you. Her doing it doesn’t affect you. It’s not like she’s calling you all the time for emotional stuff support for the “badly decisions she’s making. Instead she seems quite happy. People who are in love often hush about that person…while it can be annoying to the rest of us who aren’t in love with said person, it’s not a toxic trait or grounds for cutting someone imo.
Like, do you only want friends who will date exactly like you date? If someone says they like sleeping in separaste beds from their SO but you don’t will you think “wow we have such big differences between us now…”
If you’re incompatible with her, then fine. If you don’t want to be friends with her anymore, cool. But seems weird that you’re using her normal seeming relationship as a justification. You kind of come off as bitter or jealous, even if you aren’t. You should ask yourself why this bothers you so much.
As someone in love and in an adult relationship I think her life sounds like a nightmare. I see friends without my husband and don’t tell him every little thing my friends say and vice versa.
But this is how she’s choosing to operate and you can’t change her or control how she behaves. All you can do is figure out how you plan to deal with her. Is she open to seeing you alone if you explicitly ask? Are you ok if she says no and brings T along? Would silencing yourself a bit be less stressful? I’m just throwing out suggestions here.
Something I’ve realized over time is that there are different ways to be happy in a relationship and what works for one couple may not work for another. If the people in the relationship are happy and feel comfortable and secure then whatever. So you’re welcome to think this sounds awful but if this is what she wants then I don’t think you’re going to convince her otherwise. Just like you wouldn’t want her to tell you that you’re doing your happy relationship “wrong.”
Again want to reiterate that I agree with you this sounds awful lol. She reminds me of the many, many people who post here about staying in something unhealthy because they made their partner their whole world and have no support system. Although it sounds like she has friends but if they are similarly minded they aren’t going to be of much help if things go sideways.
Ohkay so this is going to be my very limited perspective based on something I’ve experienced with a friend of mine
But the first thing is that unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about how reliant she’s on him or how obsessed she is. You already talked to her and she dismissed it.
However you can (in a way he hopefully does not know) gently suggest that you’re here for her and check up on her
What I am afraid of is that she might be obsessed and in a position where she is vulnerable to emotional (or in a more severe case physical abuse). If your partner is involved in everything you do then it is possible that they might treat you wrong and then you would just never know cause you were never able to tell this to anyone.
If you make plans one on one, then gently without mentioning these concerns (cause otherwise they’ll be dismissed and you will forever be considered the villain) maybe you should just say something along the lines of how you might have your doubts but you’re happy if she’s truly happy and if she ever is having any hard time you’ll be there for her as well
But again, this is just me
It’s called a relationship. People who want to build a life together tend to include each other n almost everything. Friends aren’t everything okay. U aren’t Gona marry and start a family with friends. U have partners for that and that’s what people are when they date. Partners. She is alot older than you and probably more mature. Also being in a relationship doesn’t make u any less Independent.
Also me and my bf moved in after 6 months of dating. It’s been 3 years. Stop trying to be sooo independent you might just end up alone.. You can be with someone and be independent.
>They’ve been together for 1.5 years but she moved into his apartment 5 months in and now she lives with him in his grandfathers house rent free. I just can’t imagine being just over a year in and having your entire living situation dependent on your significant other with nothing to back up your tenancy.
Au contraire. Her living situation is completely risk free. She’s employed, is she not? She’s not in a lease, she’s not paying rent. If something goes wrong she can leave with zero logistical issues. 5 months is early, but that’s the only weird thing about it.