Context: I am about to move to his country, and it’s taking time and a lot of money to get there. I have a career and he doesn’t, so the financial and planning of the move all falls on me. He is getting the American equivalent of disability pay. I work remotely.
He only wants me to call him while
I am at home because he hates it if the signal is bad, even for like a second. So he will hang up the phone and get mad if I call him while I’m doing anything other than sitting in my bed, not near a computer, not even looking away for a minute to answer a question. He will go nuclear and hang up on me if anything interrupts the call.
Texts from today, a weekday where we are both busy:
“Me: good morning! I love you
Him: good morning! I love you too
Me: Call??
(30 minutes, no response)
Me: ?
(15 minutes, no response)
Me: Ok well I gotta go, I’ve got a lot to do today. I love you 💋❤️
Him: Thanks for being to much of American by always asking via text message if you should call. Here in Europe people just call the people they actually want to talk to. And btw you are back into ignoring our relationship and taking work over everything. How are you expecting this to work out if we don’t speak while apart? Our connection is fading away and has been since we lived together in Mexico. I’ve talked about this a few times before and you got mad every time and last time you promised this won’t happen again.
Me: Well it’s not work it’s medical stuff I’m doin right now so thanks for the guilt trip. Have a nice day! Oh and you are making a lot of excuses for ignoring me and not replying to my text.” ….
Argument ensued from there. I feel like he is always blaming me for everything in the relationship. I spent all week texting and calling first but he as too busy or tired, then suddenly it’s my fault. Out of nowhere. All I did was ask if he wanted to talk to me and he explodes. He calls this “expressing his feelings” but they always are like the first long text he sent, it always just feels like an attack and that’s what I told him. I’ve tried not reacting, not responding, and just listening for long stretches of time while he goes off for like 20 minutes or more, but then I just feel like I’m sitting there taking abuse instead of listening to feelings.
Anyone see this the same? Or differently?
20 comments
He’s a jerk. Narcissistic behavior definitely. Don’t move to his country.
Why would you be moving to be with him if he is always blaming you and making you feel like shit? Relationships are a two way street, but he doesn’t seem to think he has to put in his side.
Are you married already?
It is just going to get worse once you are there.
It is posts like yours that just make me love my wife more. Despite the fact that we have had problems in the past.
This doesn’t sound healthy at all. I wouldn’t move
Hit the brakes. Don’t move at all.
Are you married? If not, don’t. A healthy relationship with a good partner is nothing like this.
>. I spent all week texting and calling first but he as too busy or tired
To busy or tired from what?… Dude doesn’t work. And if he is so busy then it makes sense for you to ask if you can call.
Was he this control and awful when you lived in Mexico?
Honestly sounds like your in for a rough future if you stay with him.
If he acts like that on the phone, what do you think he’ll be like in person?
>Here in Europe people just call the people they actually want to talk to.
Here in Europe people absolutely do ask if it’s ok to call!
I’m sorry to hear you’re already married, he doesn’t seem like an easygoing person. Having to look at him the whole time while talking, I mean that doesn’t happen even in face to face conversations!
Think hard about how you will go on. I really wish you all the best, he may be really great for you and this was just a bad day (not so likely from your post), or he could be a controlling jerk who has to have it his way. Good luck!
Your spouse should get the best of you. Your utmost restraint.
I do not want my wife being scared of me, or to have to walk on egg shells. It’s not healthy and if she had to that would mean I’m doing something wrong. She’s not able to feel comfortable SPEAKING TO ME…. that’s a huge problem and it nerds to be addressed immediately. No fucking excuses from him. No bullshitting from him. Address it, or you’re going to be in for a lifetime of emotional abuse.
And you don’t want that.
How about save your time and money and find someone better! Too many red flags. I wish you the best!
He acts like a pubescent hormonal ….. I wnat to say girl but that’s derogatory to women Idk what he acts like but that’s not it I don’t think that’s what you want.
wtf .. he is like this on ldrs ?! how the fk hes gonna b in rl ? plz dnt waste ur life with him
You need to immediately can his A**!! Excellent job calling him out!!!
There are plenty of good men out there. It’s not worth spending the rest of your life with a angry SOB. My wife of 14 years came frome a similar relationship and she is still affected by that relationship. I will say 2 years of counseling and me doing everything I could do to help her and learning what triggered it she very rarely has the flashback days now and as we both say we still feel like we are in the honeymoon stage It’s been a amazing ride for sure. You can do so much better please don’t settle for this guy verbal abuse and control doesn’t go away normally.
Don’t move seriously he’s toxic
>He only wants me to call him while I am at home because he hates it if the signal is bad, even for like a second. So he will hang up the phone and get mad if I call him while I’m doing anything other than sitting in my bed, not near a computer, not even looking away for a minute to answer a question. He will go nuclear and hang up on me if anything interrupts the call.
That there should be enough to NOT MOVE.
As others have said, if he’s like that on the phone, I’d hate to think how he is in person.
DO NOT MOVE!
he’s wrong, this is not a european way at all.
sounds like you have some communication issues but from this snippet he seems like everything needs to be his way and seen only his way
Ahhhh my European father does shit like this too. Gets mad when I’m not paying 100% attention to him on the phone when I’m trying to deal with an energetic toddler. Imagine his disappointment when I married an American when he’s spent years going “American this, Americans that”
He’s more tamed now because there’s nothing he could complain about my husband lol.
But he sounds toxic as hell. If I were you I would rethink the move.
“Oh and you are making a lot of excuses for ignoring me and not replying to my texts” —but he made it clear that he was basically waiting for you to call him. So he was probably waiting for you to make the move. I don’t think he speaks for all Europeans that they call without asking, but there definitely seems to be a cultural miscommunication that he’s hung up on, and I think you are feeling the same way, too. Especially because there could be cultural differences, it might be easy to misjudge each other’s intentions and actions when communicating long distance, which might have created this sort of annoyance. I have a British husband, and in the beginning we had so many clashes and we didn’t understand each other’s behavior, and now looking back it’s kinda hilarious and we’ve broken through a lot of barriers, all worth it.
He sounds like a mean jerk. Why do you want to put up with this?
What does he bring to the table?