I feel like such an ass for even having these emotions but I need to vent. My younger sister recently got engaged and while I’m so very happy for her, I’m also a little sad.
My entire life all I have ever wanted was kids and a family. I thought I would have them in my early twenties, but life just didn’t go that way for me. I recently ended my long term relationship because the guy couldn’t give me the commitment of marriage after 5 years together. It broke me. Now I’m starting over in my thirties and virtually everyone around me is miles ahead, already having families of their own.
It’s difficult to watch person after person move further along with their life while I seem to be stuck in the same place (and I’m much older.)
It’s even more difficult to have every member of my family “feeling sorry” for me. It sucks.
7 comments
It’s not a race. You can jam some radish seeds into a pot and call it a garden but if you want a garden that will nourish your body and soul for a lifetime you have to take your time to build it. That may require you to start over again a few times until you get it right. The setbacks can be discouraging but well worth the effort in the long run.
It’s an understandable way to feel. But, you obviously can’t say/do anything about it in real life or you’ll just look like a b-word.
Also, as an oldest myself……you inevitably hit a point where your younger siblings will outshine you at stuff after a lifetime of being worse than you at everything.
I had a plan when I was younger: get married by 25, have my first kid by 28, second by 30. I met my husband at 27, married at 28, and didn’t have my son until 32. I put so much pressure on myself to meet those deadlines that it actually hurt my relationships. That being said, my husband is truly my soulmate, and I’m glad those other relationships didn’t work out, because they led me to him.
A great saying out there you need to put on your wall is:
Envy is the enemy of happiness
You were 25 when you got with your no-commit boyfriend. 25 year olds are notoriously immature. Your big mistake is letting him gaslight you about marriage for 5 years. But you won’t make that mistake again.
There are tons of nice guys your age out there who are lonely. They are lonely because unlike you and unlike your rat-bastard ex-boyfriend, they don’t have social skills that are as advanced as you. So they go out with their friends and look longingly while their friends pick up women with ease. Periodically maybe their friends urge them to go talk to a woman and they fumble around and the woman is like “this guy is a loser” and goes after the more interesting wingmen.
Your breakup was recent so you are healing from it. But your idea that ” virtually everyone around me is miles ahead” is so very wrong. For starters all you need is one guy you don’t need a bevy of them. Plus, you have the advantage that you don’t have to try for a guy your age. There’s plenty of guys younger than you and older than you who would make good mates. Most guys are not as particular about women they are attracted to as women are.
Nice guys hate the whole dating thing just as much as nice women do. It is a meat market no matter how much people try to gussy it up on the dating sites and so on. But fundamentally dating is a numbers game, and unlike the line from the movie Wargames, the only way to win is not to play, in dating, the only way to win IS to play!
You still have plenty of time to have a family. My wife was over 30 when she had our second and that one came out perfect. Don’t let despair about the present kill your future.
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A friend of mine had a kid in a happy long term relationship. His older brother didn’t even have a girlfriend at the time so he went and knocked up the first girl he met. My friend got married to the mother of his child. His older brother got married the following year, pretty much a shotgun wedding. They’re not super happy or close, they’re only together because of the kid.
What I’m saying is, don’t rush things just because everyone else around you seems to be “miles ahead”. Everything is so individual, you don’t even need a partner or a kid to be completely happy (but I do get if that’s how you picture your life and consider that its purpose). The most important thing is that you know you can rely on yourself and that the person you choose as your partner is really compatible and good for you, that you guys can share a life together and build something beautiful. Your age when you meet that person is the least important thing.
All in due time 😌 stay strong!
Never rush things. As a woman in her 30s, the biggest disasters I’ve seen are all when people got married or pregnant because they hit 30 or because everyone else was getting married or having kids.
You have time. And you arent the only single person on the planet.
Slow and steady wins the race. It’s not technically a race but you know what I mean.