I…. don’t fully know how to approach this topic. I need advice. This is as TL;DR as I could make my situation while also including most of the context.
I am kind of freaking out, all the time. But I feel like for once, it clicked. I wrote about my situation in another post on this throwaway account, in case you’re curious.
Basically, I was in a (torturous) year long situationship with my now partner, we met in person at university (I complimented his style as he was going past, and he evidently thought that was very cool and forward of me to do, so we spent almost every day together since then). I supported him through a horrible, long breakup with his girlfriend, while realising I had fallen in love with him. After a long few months of reflection, and of (sadly) breaking another boy’s heart, I told him I loved him, but that I knew he didn’t love me back. He said the breakup was too fresh, and that he wasn’t ready for a commitment. Fair enough. It still hurt, obviously.
We went back to our situationship, which consisted of being FWBs, being around each other every day, being best friends who supported each other in every way. He taught me so much. I couldn’t resist him, but I started trying to.
This was made easier when he moved away a few months ago. I was in so much emotional pain, as I knew I was not entitled to him and yet wanted him so badly. I wanted to die thinking about how I would never have him, that he would never be with me past us visiting each other and continuing to be FWBs. So I took the opportunity to cut off the situationship, to set a boundary and say that I needed to respect myself and that I was done with being FWBs. That’s when he realised the error in his ways, and told me he loved me. I was angry and heartbroken, but elated. He immediately started booking a visit to come see me so we could discuss. We had a phone call and I cried to him. He said he needed me. I, once again, could not resist.
We visited, we talked, we cried, we held each other, and we officially started our relationship. It was great for awhile, and then he left again. I was genuinely okay, I cried but I felt so much better knowing I am him and he is mine! I was happy.
But I realise more and more, as I overanalyse more and stress out again about our relationship, about his every text (“did I say something wrong?? Why hasn’t he texted me for hours???”) that I can’t continue like this. I read some articles today about abandonment and insecurity. I cried so much, because I can’t be in a healthy relationship with him, because we both have so many issues that need sorting out.
I love him so much, but I need advice. I’m visiting him in a few days, for a week. Should I talk to him about taking a break? When should I tell him? Should I tell him at the beginning of the visit, or near the end? What if he doubles down and says he loves me, and not to leave him? Please help!
4 comments
What are you hoping that a “break” will accomplish?
Breaks only work when the issue that exists between people is *external* to the relationship, and time-bounded in some way.
For instance “I need a break because my parents hate you and always will” will accomplish nothing, because getting back together later on will still require the couple to deal with “my parents hate you”.
“I need a break because of this thing that is intrinsic to our relationship” never works, because all it does is allow the two to avoid thinking about…whatever it is between them that is a problem…long enough to 1) let its important fade in their minds and 2) allow the two of them to start missing one another. So when they get back together, they are so excited about *being* back together (because “I missed you sooo much!”) that they sweep the real and still-extant issue under the rug for a while.
So. Any issue that exists between two people, which is important enough to “take a break” over, is important enough that they should either 1) buckle down and work *through* it, or 2) break up outright over it because it cannot be resolved.
> I can’t be in a healthy relationship with him, because we both have so many issues that need sorting out.
The work that it will take for *both* of you to sort all of this out is something that will be measured, not in “days” or “weeks”, but in “months” or “years”.
So for that reason, “taking a break” will accomplish nothing, because when you got back together a month or two (or even three) later, you would be the *same* two people with the *same* sets of issues that are causing you all of this heartache right now.
> What if he doubles down and says he loves me, and not to leave him?
“Because I love this person” is not enough to make a relationship work. Before love even enters into a relationship as a useful contributing factor, the couple *must* be compatible, such that *both people can have all of their needs met* while remaining in the relationship.
You are not having your needs met. If you were, you would not be in this state, and you would not have made this post.
You are finding that in *order* to have your needs met, you need to be apart from him. No amount of “But I love you sooooo much” on his part can change that.
If you can’t be in a healthy relationship, then end it. And if he doubles down and says he loves you and not to leave him, that’s just too bad. If you’re not feelingit, it’s not going to work. You don’t need his permission to end it.
You are young, there will be many relationships in your future. You should only choose to remain in the ones that make you happy and meet your needs. Doesn’t sound like this situation is making you happy, perhaps it would be best to move on so you can eventually start fresh with someone new.
Tell him that for the benefit of your mental health you cannot see him and then block him everywhere.