My (36F) partner (40F) and I have been together for 2 years and live together. I have my own house but moved in with my partner approx 1 year ago as she has a dog and it makes more sense for us to live at hers.
Her parents are both elderly and entirely homophobic to the point that they refuse to ever meet me, make comments about my character and won’t come to the house when I’m here.
Previously, I had to leave the house when they were coming over to pick up the dog which made me feel a bit dirty but we discussed it and came to an agreement that on those days she would leave the dog at theirs.
Recently, her father has had some health issues and she is spending more and more time with them. This in itself is fine but it has started to impact on how much we see each other on the small amount of time we have together due to our shifts. I’d be fine with it if it didn’t always seem to be when I’m off work!
This culminated today in her dropping plans last minute to hang out with me to do some non essential errands with her parents that I’m obviously not included in. I feel like I’m the bottom of the priority list but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I’m happy to suck it up if so!
TL;DR: my partner prioritises her homophobic parents over hanging out with me
4 comments
Is the dad about to die? If he’s not on her deathbed, I’d not agree to put up with this nonsense.
Unfortunately, it sounds like your partner failed to raise her parents right: she never told them, “This is my partner and I expect you to respect her as a prerequisite for me being in your life.” And now, I suspect it’s probably too late.
I imagine your partner still has guilt issues surrounding her parents and desiring same-sex romance, which she neglected to address all her adult life. And if she tries to resolve this with them now, I expect they’ll play the health card and guilt her some more.
There’s nothing unreasonable about wanting to spend time with your partner, and it sounds like you’ve been going above and beyond to accommodate her… lack of courage. You’re totally justified in being dissatisfied.
Obviously your first step is to tell your partner that wanting to spend time with her is a reasonable expectation on your part, and that her parents’ prejudices are negatively impacting not just her, but you and your shared relationship.
The problem is, though, she may feel locked in and unable to change anything at this point (whether this is objectively the case or not), leaving you with the options of moving on with your life, or waiting for them to kick the bucket.
If it comes down to that, I hope you don’t choose to waste the years.
I come from a culture that prioritizes parents above all else and see similar situations like this. Not always related to homophobia, but also transphobia or the parents hating their kids’ friends or partners for superficial qualities such as appearance (acne, makeup, glasses, etc), place of college (or lack of), fashion sense, and luxury items owned
This is her choice to make. She must make the decision between her parents and you, because she can’t have both. Talk with her about how you feel neglected, and if she still chooses her parents over you for nearly everything, then maybe it’s time to call it quits. You deserve to have a partner who is proud of you and cares for you
If you want a partner that will actually confront their homophobic parents head on, either with discussion or distance, you need to look elsewhere.