That she would be okay if her dad and I got a divorce. I should not press in this marriage after that, right? This happened because she saw today how her father treats me. No physical abuse, no direct emotional abuse, but there is general berating that has worn me down over the years.
I’m finally done with it. I don’t care about his excuses anymore.
Today, I lost it. was showing him videos of the house we were supposed to move into, but won’t be anymore. I’ll call the realtor tomorrow to let her know we won’t be moving in. No getting the deposit back, I guess. He was angry because I had assigned our furniture to rooms without him, like I had done it without consulting him. He couldn’t take it, and told me with a raised voice to forget it. I said “forget it” back, then got up, started crying and walking away, and then I knocked his phone off the couch like a cat. I’m petty 🤦♀️ our daughter was sitting right next to us watching the entire conversation.
Later, my daughter came upstairs and wanted to talk. She’s only eight years old but she’s very perceptive. She said she would be okay if dad and I got a divorce. I didn’t have the heart to say what I usually say, that dad had a bad day, that dad’s having a hard time, to try to forgive dad again. She said that her dad was just like Homer Simpson.
She also said that she feels like dad treats her like a servant, that her dad doesn’t really care about her. She said that she doesn’t feel like her dad cares about her, and that she would be okay if we got a divorce.
We’ve had a terrible cold all week, and her and I have been cooped up watching The Simpsons. When your eight year old daughter identifies that her dad is just like Homer Simpson, that’s when it’s time to quit, right?
I suppose I’m writing this to remind myself of how I felt when I decided to leave, so that I can’t walk back the decision with counseling again. I could really use some external validation.
8 comments
When your daughter sees her Dad treat her Mom badly, it’s time to leave. Staying will only teach her how to treat or be treated by her SO. She needs and deserves two parents who are happy, even if they are no longer together.
What more validation do you need outside your 8 year old daughter?
Sorry but not enough background here. In isolation looks bad for the guy sure. But, we have no idea whether or not you are meeting or completely ignoring his needs and whether or not you are generally not respecting him. We got a hint when you committed violence against his phone. How else do you disrespect him when he finally speaks up about what is bothering him? What are your behaviors when you disregard and disrespect his initial feedback further reminding him of his general emasculation and that he isn’t in control of anything in this family.
Possibly he wasn’t the final decision maker in the actual choice of the house and resents it and sees the continuing choices made without him. There often is a building of frustration over time.
We can’t know this and we can’t know his frustrations that have led to these poor behaviors.
But there is never a good reason to berate. Your own poor communication has allowed the escalation of poor behaviors between both of you when you disagree on something.
So, your eight year old daughter wants to run away from conflict and you are going to reinforce this unproductive problem solving behavior by not fighting for your marriage. I’m sure that will be great for her development and her future relationships.
Come back with what your husband is frustrated about and what he feels disrespected about and line that up with what you have done to respect him and relieve those frustrations. Then maybe you can get people to have an informed agreement with your fight or flight decision
I can’t give validation one way or the other because a lot of this post is very vague and I’m not entirely sure what your issues with your husband are. Like when you both go to counseling what is the counselor telling you both and what ends up changing that it doesn’t stick? I will say your daughter saying he doesn’t really care about her and treats her like a servant is VERY alarming and I’d want to understand specifics of that if I were you.
But also recognize that, while her emotional well being is all important, she is an 8 year old child with no concept of finances, obligations, or the struggles that will come financially and emotionally from a divorce. If you do decide to go through with it then there will be emotional fallout, lots of court dates, finances will get a lot more difficult, you will either be co-parenting which will require a lot more attention to make sure your daughter has a more or less stable upbringing or solo parenting which is pretty difficult. I don’t know you two’s financial situation but depending on it you may need to live more frugally and find a sitter/nanny for your daughter while working more. That may also make dating/finding a new relationship a tad tricky.
I don’t say this to dissuade you, you only get one life as does your daughter and if this marriage is destructive to both then it’s likely time to end it. But make sure you’re very prepared for what comes after. Both for what it means for you and what it means for her. Just because she thinks she’d be okay with it doesn’t mean she’s aware of the actual reality following it, but you NEED to be if you are going through with this.
Making decisions like cancelling a move unilaterally and losing a deposit feels a bit impulsive and that’s worrisome when raising a child. And being petty is an absolute NO GO if you’re going to be co-parenting cause that can manifest as (intentionally or unintentionally) weaponizing your daughter’s feelings to spite him while she is being hurt because of how she sees her father that she still needs to grow up with. I only bring this up because it seems like you both have poor communication with each other and you need to be respectful cordial adults if you’re going to raise a child while separated. Again this is for her sake. What I’m saying is be prepared, as life for you and her will get a lot more complicated and she is going to need an emotional rock to see through this.
Nopes it is clear. You are done, he os done, and your kid is done. So end ot piecefully.
Nopes it is clear. You are done, he os done, and your kid is done. So end ot peacefully.
I’m very sorry OP, sounds very painful. I think you owe it to yourself and your kid to walk away. Being strong and independent will be good for your daughter. She clearly already sees you that way, she just wants to see you happy as well.
I am 30 and working every day to heal the damage that my innocent little kid soul took growing up from parents who didn’t treat me with respect or care. A child must be nurtured, and if the parent(s) are not willing to do that then the child will deal with self esteem/fear/identity issues in adulthood. Parents who don’t understand this about children were sadly probably not nurtured themselves as children.
If your daughter is telling you to divorce, then do it for her. Even if you can’t feel a reason why for your own self. Your husband breaks both of your boundaries but it seems like healthy boundaries were not modeled to you by your own parents, and now the same thing is happening to your daughter. Show her that she (and you) deserve better. Because you do.