My husband (M22) and I (F24) have been married for a little over a year and have a 2 month old.

I’m a housewife and he’s the bread winner (military). We are very open with communication and I confided in him about my attraction towards women. This was after we got married and pregnant already.

I’ve had feelings towards women since before I can remember. I never pursued a woman because my mother is extremely homophobic and tried to disown me when I opened up to the family about my feelings I was having.

Fast forward, my husband suggested the idea of us opening our marriage to another woman in the future. I don’t know how I feel about it. When I think about it, I think about the negative impacts It could have on the marriage. I’m open to pursuing women outside the marriage but not sure how I feel about the throuple idea.

My husband believes it will improve our relationship having a third because we’ll have more income, 24/7 childcare and a better sex life. He’s not interested in pursuing women outside the marriage and feels like it’s cheating. He also wants us to experiment together as a married couple. I’m not completely closed to the idea but how do you navigate jealousy in that situation. We met another military couple who have an open relationship and a 9 month old son.
They have rules:
1. Don’t ask don’t tell
2. Put family and child first
3. If catch feelings, end it
(The wife is bisexual as well.)

I suggested just having a threesome once a month while seeking marriage counseling but deep down I want to pursue women outside the marriage.

11 comments

  2. >My husband believes it will improve our relationship having a third because we’ll have more income, 24/7 childcare

    In what universe does he think a woman is going to come into your relationship and offer up her income to your household and be available to babysit any time???? Do her feeling count toward this?

    I mean, sure, I know of some couples who occasionally bring in a 3rd for a fling. But an actual relationship all living under one roof? No, not going to happen.

    Sure, you occasionally hear about this, but rarely, and I think ever rare if it lasts.

    As it is, do you know what they call a single bi-sexual female looking to a couple to hook up with?

    A unicorn.

    Because they’re extremely rare to the point, they don’t really exist.

    Even if you were both down for a 2nd wife to make a 3-way marriage, the chances of finding someone willing to do is next to nil.

    Most open marriages don’t last, period. Eventually, someone gets jealous, doesn’t want to share anymore, and someone runs off with someone else, and it’s usually not the original couple.

  3. Women interested in dating both members of a couple are called unicorns. You can maybe get an idea for how likely it is for this to go well from that fact.

    First, the idea of expecting someone to have to maintain two relationships with roughly equal intensity is just absurd. That’s not how we develop feelings. It almost always leads to a closer relationship with one partner, and causes strain. They also live in a state of constantly knowing that, if their existence threatens the marriage at all, they will most likely be immediately dumped by not one, but two people. The second one of you stops liking the idea of having a unicorn girlfriend, she’s out, because you will never truly make a “girlfriend” an equal partner in your marriage.

    What about holidays? Or public events? Is she actually your girlfriend, or is she a fucktoy/babysitter you pretend is a roommate when her existence is inconvenient?

    Unicorns are unicorns for a reason.

    >I suggested just having a threesome once a month while seeking marriage counseling but deep down I want to pursue women outside the marriage.

    Right, because you actually want to explore this part of yourself, not just experience a fantasy. I think you really need to separate your desire to explore your attraction to women from the possibility of threesomes. What do you, truly, want? What are you looking for in exploring your attraction to women? The fact that you talk about having to suppress these feelings for so long, and about your desire to pursue it outside the marriage makes me think there’s a possibility that you think you might want to be with a woman, long-term. Is that something you’re thinking about? Are you worried that it might be true? If it was, what would it mean for your marriage? Is there any possibility that you are not attracted to men? At the very least, you should be thinking about the answers to these questions.

    If you cannot pursue women alone, outside your marriage and your husband is only okay with you being with other women with him involved, how will you feel? Will you be able to stay happy in a marriage to a man without that? Will occasional threesomes be enough?

    >2. Put family and child first 3. If catch feelings, end it

    These rules are easy to state, hard to follow. Especially 3. People really, really like putting boundaries in place around polyamory that involve policing others feelings, and they do not work. I realize that “end it if you catch feelings” isn’t actually doing that, it’s putting the responsibility on the partner to take action when feelings happen, rather than telling them to NOT have feelings, but how realistic do you think that is? What happens when you start getting feelings for someone? Do you think rationally? Is it easy to stop seeing them? And how honest are you with these other people before hand? Would they be aware of how disposable they are?

  4. If your husband is in the US military, he really needs to look up UCMJ Article 134. It would stink for him to be dishonorably discharged for something you both consented to. The military is pretty conservative when it comes to relationships and while they might not take preemptive action, all it could take is one complaint and an investigation to derail your lives.

  6. I think you and your husband should seek counseling to determine how you want your non-monogamy to look. /r/nonmonogamy might be a good resource.

  7. Your husband is expecting to find a woman who wants to sexually please both of you, donate her income to you and provide 24/7 childcare?? That’s not a throuple, that’s finding a live-in nanny who provides sex on demand, and she would essentially be paying you to do this? Not how that works at all.

  8. What he is describing is polyamory. It can work; butvonlybif all 3 of you are prepared to put a lot of work into it and are truly ready for a relationship with 3 people and the extra work that ensures.

    Otherwise? No, no woman who agrees to seek with both of you is going to pay towards your Bill’s or babysit your kids. I’d people want to ne oart of a threesime sometimes, they don’t want to deal with that couple’s life stuff.

  9. You already had the exact same post few days back. Identical. On several subreddits. Under different profile. Got the same responses from people

    I find it really funny and arrogant that he wants to bring in a woman to help with bills and babysit your child (24/7 lol). That’s one of the goofiest thing I’ve read on here. Why would a single woman donate her money to a couple and babysit their kid for free 24/7?lol like she has nothing else to do, it’s hilarious. He doesn’t sound too smart

  11. The way i see it is you want to be a cake eater but not allow your husband to this seems unfair to me. As you want to enjoy others outsode of your relationship rather than try to expa d your relationship which i think would be a good compromise to the situation as along as the 3 of you can have joint relationship then go for it. The issue you will have is finding that 3rd

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