Just like the title sex, me and hubby just got married less than a month before. We are both saving ourselves for marriage and are both virgins and sucks at actually having sex, despite both watches porn. I need advice because I’m just frustrated at this point. Sorry if I’m not making sense tho
The problems:
We spent a week honeymoon-ing. During the whole time, we still haven’t done piv (there were time when he fall asleep while fingering me, fell asleep when I was giving him blowjob, he can’t find my opening after fingering me and got soft after the whole debacle, and there is also me being afraid of it hurting + not really liking, almost hating it when he touches my nipples and clit (I can endure him touching my nipples now, but clit is very much a no-go, and the g-spot is also currently a no-go during our fingering session)
After that we are in a LDR and only met on the weekend. I moved for my job and now we got an ‘our’ apartment and so far, we have also been busy buying household stuff so attempt for piv keep getting postponed. Tbh, I think my fear is also holding me back
It also frustrate me that he always will go for my nipples, and previously my clit but he stop, even though I have told him that it hurts and doesn’t really feel nice. At this point tho, idk. Am I weird for not liking it? Is the tugging pain supposed to feel nice? Do I just confuses pleasure with pain?
We also have problem with him playing on my g-spot despite me telling him adamantly “no” because far from pleasure, it feels really uncomfortable. There are a spot deeper that I like tho
He has death grip syndrome and my blowjobs attempts (several) have never made him come. Handjobs too. Pitiful attempt of boobjob with my B-cup tits too. He hasn’t cum ONCE since we started our sexual endeavor
And this is actually why I’m writing this. Like the whole thing frustrates me, but I’m chalking it up to us being new at this and we are both learning.
BUT. We have talked about dgs (I learned it from google after I failed to make him cum in the first 1-2 days) and I told him that he should stop fapping to porn for now so that we can see if things can be more pleasurable to him. Still nope, he still has never cum with me
I asked him because I was feeling pity that he probably is getting blue-balled that he hasn’t cum for a month already. He then confessed to me that he actually has been masturbating, out of “stress”, for like 1-2 times.
And one of those times is yesterday. Even when he knows that I’m coming to see him today. Even when he knows that he hasn’t cum once with me, no matter what I do. Heck, he even masturbated in front of me and still didn’t cum.
At this point, I really don’t know how to feel. I feel like my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I feel like I can’t even satisfy my husband. I feel frustrated that we haven’t done piv. I feel scared that we might never succeed in doing piv. I feel scared that I might just ended up being scared of having sex.
Didn’t think that I need to add this but: I’M NOT GONNA BE CHATTING UP WITH RANDOM STRANGERS
33 comments
Lack of experience is rough sometimes and not knowing what really pleases the other person.
You mentioned “tugging pain” – is he just tugging on your nipples? He should be kissing them, licking them, sucking on them.
I would highly recommend a sex therapist to help you both to learn how to have great sex.
It sounds like you need some open communication about your sex life and your preferences. Maybe a sex therapist to help you learn to navigate this together as you’re both inexperienced and learning.
TBH, you’ve said that you don’t want him touching your nipples, your clit, or your g-spot. That doesn’t leave him many options. The g-spot isn’t *that* identifiable by feeling so it’s probably very difficult for him to avoid it. Have you done any experimenting on your own to find out what feels good for you so that you can communicate that to him?
I dont get how can people can wait till marriage with sex. Ok I understand from religious point of view, but I still dont get it.
I can see only two outcomes from sexual frustration. One is divorce and the second one is cheating. And to me both of those things are far worse from having sex before marriage( also from religous point of view).
Sorry I was not much help here. I hope you solve the problem so both of you are happy at the end.
You guys have a marriage but you didn’t develop a sexual relationship yet. So it’s going to take time to get there. It’s going to require both of you be open minded and a little flexible with one another and accommodating to each other’s wants and needs. Therapy can help.
For all these reasons and why, I firmly believe in sex before marriage— you know what you’re getting, more or less.
Sex isn’t like porn.. this is why waiting for marriage is overhyped it’s not for me. But if your really wanted to do so at least be prepared it’s not like porn and not like in the movies at least not in th start. People really gotta expect to work on it and communicate with one another
Clit and G-spot and nipple stimulation is not supposed to hurt, I know all girls are different some like it rough and some like a soft with a gentle approach to get off and some ignore the G-spot, If he is sucking and pulling your nipples like he trying to rip them off your chest or fingering you and rubbing your clit like he is trying to rub a stain off a shirt than he is just lacking common sense and body language, I’m assuming he tried going softer? Or is there pain in general even if u masterbate at ur pace? If so go see a gyno doc.
Just remember it’s not that you can’t satisfy your husband its your husband only chooses to satisfy himself, When you get married your supposed to make some changes and improvises around each other and he isn’t willing to make them, usually the real side of a person only truly comes out after a marriage or living situation, You bought the car without test driving it and now your stuck with a defective project In the garage.
Advice, Convince him to not masterbate at all on planned sex days as a start, During foreplay guide him and make him be softer and gentle on your sensitive areas and focus on your needs for now and getting off, If he can’t find the hole than reach down and ram it in you, If he has a death grip syndrome than just enjoy giving oral as a tease and let him make attempts to finish with PIV, If not than enjoy the long fuck which some girls with minute man’s would gladly enjoy your shoes, Make a attempt to make him hold back on porn and masterbation or atleast convince him to edge and not cum on his own time because to be honest if I didn’t cum for a week I would probably finish quickly…. Also Trash the excuses as well because buying or looking for household items is not a postpone excused cause my dick works 100% and my desires are high cause I’d fuck you right on that ikea sofa I just installed and eat you gently at your sensitive pace on top of that desk i installed if I was your husband.
And this is why waiting for marriage is a terrible idea
Using some or a lot of lube, should help a bit with the fear of PIV pain. Everybody has different turn on spots on their body. Have a conversation and remind him that your clit and gspot is a no go zone. This conversation needs to happen earlier in the day, and not right before or during the interaction.
Recommend you experiment with yourself by yourself for a while. Sounds like you may also not know what you personally enjoy and it is impossible to guide someone without knowing.
Take things slow and enjoy different aspects of the intimacy. My husband and I many years ago would have nights of literally telling each other things that felt good while we tried doing them. If you both are inexperienced it will take time but worth the communication long term to having a fulfilling sex life.
Have you ever touched yourself in a pleasurable way? It honestly sounds like you haven’t. If YOU don’t know what feels good, then how will you be able to instruct him.
This just sounds really rough. Neither of you have any idea what you are doing. Don’t talk about masturbating being the problem. You have no clue what the problem is.
You should immediately stop trying to have sex. Like just stop. Right now. Stop trying to make each other cum for God’s sake. Your trying to run to home base after hitting the ball.
Start with making out, clothes on, no touching anything. Do it for a while. Like an hour or something combined. Then move to exploring each other’s bodies. While you explore each other’s bodies make sure neither of you are doing anything they ever saw anyone do before. No grabbing boobs cuz he’s obviously seen that in porn or something.
Just touch each other and communicate. If something turns you on, COMMUNICATE THAT. do more of it, but DONT touch each other’s genitals. Do that a few times for like a week or something. Then, and only then, try to incorporate genitals after both of you are super super turned on. Don’t except anybody to cum. Treat it like you treated touching each other – explore, communicate, do what you have been told feels good.
You need to learn how to desire each other bodies. Not how to have sex.
If he’s not cumming in front of you when I he masterbates. It’s probably stress.
Death grip isn’t as common as the net would have you believe.
You have both spent time building this up and are both nervous and apprehensive. Putting too much pressure on yourselves and too much stress
Spend some time kissing and cuddling with no pressure to have sex. Just enjoy each others bodies.
Let it happen naturally
Curious, have you ever masturbated??? It seems like you don’t like any part of you touched. You’ve never touched your clit? Or fingered yourself? If you have you should direct him towards what you like to do to yourself. This is why you don’t wait till marriage to have sex. You are both brand new at sex and it’s obvious neither one of you knows what to do. You know it’s very possible you two will never be sexually compatible, can you stay in a marriage with no sex ever? I mean what were thinking remaining virgins until marriage? You asked for these problems. Sorry to be harsh but geez.
Sex is a skill just like any other. If you decided to be a painter, would you expect to paint a masterpiece right away? It takes practice and research to get good at any skill. Sex included.
Part of the problem here is y’all skipped all normal sexual development steps cause you’re “married and can have sex now”
Try making out and dry humping first. Stop putting a weird artificial time line on it; you’re already in this situation so the way to make the best of it is to start at the beginning and move slowly.
YOU also need to start masturbating. Masturbating is healthy and important if y’all are ever gonna figure out how to work with each other
It’s only been a month? Relax. Sounds like you’re both putting too much pressure on yourselves. Marriage is a lifelong work in progress.
Sex isn’t like porn, it’s my much more emotional, and a lack of experience is unfortunate, this is why saving yourself till marriage isn’t a great idea… I would suggest trying different things and if that really doesn’t work I would suggest a sex therapist. But best of luck❤️
I know it’s said a lot in the comments but that last paragraph especially is why waiting till marriage is generally a bad idea. You assume it’s a deathgrip problem, you don’t enjoy the feeling of how he’s touching areas on you, it may not even be that you don’t enjoy it in general just that him or both of you don’t know how to in a way that elicits pleasure (or as you said your body hasn’t yet been able to interpret those sensations as pleasurable ones because it isn’t used to that).
Anxiety sounds like a major factor for both of you (in the same way it is making feeling aroused for PiV next to impossible for you the pressure of “why am I not able to cum with her? She must think I’m turned off by her. She doesn’t like me touching her breasts, g spot, or clit but I’ve been told everywhere that those feel good so what do I do? Why doesn’t she want me inside her? Is this just our sex lives, did we mess up?” is probably DEEP in his head making it nigh impossible for him to stay aroused. While men generally have an easier time orgasming anxiety, stress, and pressure can affect them as well. It’s not always deathgrip, and assuming it’s something wrong with him for not being able to do so would be just as damaging as it would be for him to assume something is wrong with you because you haven’t found what kinds of sexual touch you enjoy yet.
Bottom line neither of you know what you’re doing yet and I suspect neither of you know yourselves sexually all too well either. You aren’t broken, and it’s not that you can’t satisfy each other. But you both have a steep learning curve (most people’s first times generally suck, but they find that out and learn from there) so you need to be patient. It has been less than a month.
The book “Come as you are” might be helpful.
He’s supposed to play with them, not pull them off
Yikes! You guys need to get to the library for some sex positive books and reading! Have you ever tried sensual massage?
Porn stars are sex “athletes” and do not actually depict what run of the mill sex looks like for people. You should be starting really slow with gentle massage, make out sessions with give you strong desire, and maybe even mutual masterbation sessions to learn what makes the other tick sexually.
Practice makes perfect. This is going to take work on both your parts and sacrifice (maybe resisting masterbation when apart) until you guys can get into a good rhythm.
Both of you watching porn will not make u know how to have sex. Porn is fake. Experiment with eachother and dare to explore until u find shit you like. Its not that hard
Question: when you touch yourself, by yourself, do your nipples, clitoris, and inside your vagina hurt? If so, then maybe there is some organic problem that is worth talking to your gyno about. But if not, then it’s certainly due to two things:
1. He isn’t touching you the way your body likes. Every woman’s body is different, and I wonder if he is more so trying to mimic what he sees in porn to the point that he’s not LISTENING to you. When you give him feedback, and he says “I will try,” he needs to try literally in the moment, right then. Not next week.
2. You are anticipating pain and discomfort. When you anticipate that, it’s hard for your body to be relaxed and aroused and open to pleasure. At that point, he doesn’t have a lot of chance of success, because of how tense you are down there. Believe it or not, losing your virginity can be completely painless. But that is based on how relaxed your pelvis is. If you are tense when he tries to enter you, then you have greater chances of pain.
1 and 2 are reciprocally causing/exacerbating each other. So how do you stop the cycle? First, ask him to not masturbate within 24 hours of seeing you. Second, communicate beforehand. Have a conversation about how you both will go about this. Tell him that you expect him to listen to your feedback in the moment, and change strategies in the moment. You focus on relaxing your body, especially your pelvis. Third, don’t expect to have PIV sex this time. You and he need to start building sexual trust. You need to trust that he will stimulate you in the way your body likes, so that you can relax and feel pleasure. He needs to start seeing what happens when he listens to you, that he is rewarded by seeing signs that your body is relaxing and enjoying. The goal is to build sexual trust. Once you both have that, you may find you are more sexually in sync with each other.
Woof. Best advice, don’t wait for marriage! Huge mistake based on a shameful view of sex which is really sad.
But it’s about communication and listening. You have to show him how you want it and he needs to do the same for you. You can learn together. Hopefully you’re compatible.
Unfortunately it sounds like he isn’t a good listener or doesn’t really care. This would be good to establish before getting married but alas. Sex therapist isn’t a bad idea tbh. Sorry you gotta deal with this, it sucks.
Even experienced people have trouble the first time with each other. It takes time & communication to know what the other likes. Don’t be frustrated, enjoy the process.
The natural reaction to pain is to go soft. Yeah there are exceptions for people with S&M kinks, but that doesn’t sound like you two. If he’s empathetic, he translates your pain to his pain. Your response directly affects whether he’s turned on or not.
It’s alright girl.. this is the first experience for both of you. And it’s just been a month. Take your time, sort out the household things and have fun doing it. Communication is key. Keep learning about each other, both physically and mentally. Try taking showers together, or just more naked around each other, so that you both can learn and understand each others bodies.
Now regarding PIV, first try some lube. You’ll e surprised how much of a difference it makes. Even if you are already wet. Take it slow and keep communicating while you’re at. If something doesn’t feel comfortable or right, stop right away. Maybe you can try a different position, it might work better.
Also one last thing, don’t be afraid to take control for time to time. Get on top, tell him what u want him to do.
Lack of experience is always rough, at first, but instead of hurting your relationship (you got married to this person for a reason), do the mature thing if you’re going to stay married for 50+ years and share the experience with your partner. Marriage is a lot more than sex. If you’re frustrated, I guarantee your partner is just as frustrated and isn’t being vocal about it (I take it that you aren’t as well if you’re writing this on Reddit).
Honesty is the best policy, in the sense that you TELL your partner what you like, what you don’t like, and what you do/don’t enjoy while they are taking action, ensure that you help guide/suggest things while you’re both in the thick of it.
Have you ever thought of saying, we’re going to have sex, and we’re going to COMMUNICATE, THE WHOLE TIME. That will get your needs and problem solved and you will both leave the experience happy and more confident with the ability to learn your partner’s body.
Forget about porn. This is another issue. It’s adult ENTERTAINMENT, not an adult handbook on how to have sex. It’s not how sex is in the real world. Go slow, work through positions, lift legs, rub things, and shift/change angles. Gain experience through making it an experience.
Marriage is more than sex and being physical with how you write about these things. It’s about BEING with your partner. BE with them, instead of BEING AWAY from them while you’re together.
Yet another example of why you shouldn’t “wait until marriage”.
I waited until marriage and regretted it. Look into sex therapy it makes a world of difference.
You two need to both acknowledge that you have no idea what you’re doing and communicate. You both need to quit using porn and quit masturbating unless it is done in a partnered sexual situation. Tell your husband exactly what you want him to do and ask for him to do the same. You’re obviously both nervous and frustrated but you need to stay positive and work on his together until you can get in sync.
Can I be frank here, go back and look at all the things you wrote. Is there anything in all the things that you suggested that he has done that you have liked anything of? As everything in the list of “attempts” you have given a negative response to. So my point would be, look at what you want first. As it looks on the surface that you know yourself, but have no idea what a partner will do for you. And when you get to the point where you only like what you want, and dont want another person involved, then its not their fault its not working, its yours. And thats not to knock you, its more to help you understand that a different person touching you is a different experience and you need to learn how that feels and adjust/learn the different feelings you are going to feel.
Couples sex therapy. A qualified therapist who is SEX POSITIVE. Do not see anyone religious. Make sure they understand your background and can help you both. Yes sex therapy can be covered by insurance, ours is coded as “Anxiety”.
This is the reason waiting till marriage for sex is a bad idea, but it’s up to you if you want to of course.
First of all, don’t take any advice or tips from porn. 99.9% of it is fake and not how sex should be like.
Since it’s only been a month and neither of you have any prior sexual experience, this is when you will learn what you like and don’t like. So it’s not going to be smooth sailing for a while.
Sex is very important for many people in a relationship and the communication that comes along with it is a necessity. Sit down with your husband and tell him what is hurting you. If he’s using techniques he’s seen in porn then it more than likely won’t be enjoyable for most women.
Take it slow. Sex with a partner you love isn’t all about orgasming, it’s the experience.
Regarding your husbands death-grip, he may need to seek advice from others that have overcome it or seek a professional that can help. But it might also be stress and that’s not un-common
This is the beginning of your sexual journey. No need to rush but make sure you make your boundaries loud and clear, and have honest communication. If he carries on doing the things that hurt you then that’s a whole other issue that I hope doesn’t happen.
Fun fact, some women happen to feel sadness or dread when their nipples are touched by themselves or by a partner. Not sure why.