I realized that for the past decade or so, I’ve been extremely inauthentic with everyone. I almost always hide my emotions because I think I’m cringe and lame, embellish what my hobbies are because I think they’re cringe and lame, avoid other people because I think I’m ugly as fuck and cringe, and I speak with an autistic robotic drone because I think that showing any sort of emotion will make people think I’m cringe.
As for why this is, it’s because I was really awkward and socially unaware as a kid. I did all sorts of idiotic things and publicly embarrassed myself publicly on multiple occasions (I was diagnosed with autism at age 8). By age 14, I began to over-correct for this by being unemotional and distant, and now I don’t talk about what I’m interested in to any great detail. Furthermore, I tend to heavily embellish/lie about what I do with my spare time. Now I never really show any emotions aside from stress or very rarely laughter/amusement.
Basically, I’m always afraid that people won’t like me and it makes me incredibly stiff. And honestly I don’t have any hobbies aside from video games because I think they could make me look cringe. I literally quit drawing because I think my art is ugly and cringe to look at. One person told me that this is probably why I struggle to form any meaningful relationships with others and honestly I think they’re onto something.
Oh also, I once saw a therapist when I was 16 because of my body image issues and suicidal thoughts (I really hate my body and everything about it. Height, hair, ethnicity, body size, voice, everything). Because I didn’t like talking to my therapist, I proceeded to lie to her and told her that I was feeling better (I wasn’t) so I could get out of having to go to therapy sessions every week.
3 comments
I feel somehow the same way. Told i was awkward, I ended to be too much self-controlled and appear to be cold and boring.
Some people liked my awkwardness and they were true friends… I lost that.
Honestly, sometimes I am tired to judge myself constantly and be super aware. Maybe try to let it go a bit. đ
I did around the exact same thing, I was very brash and rude growing up and over-overcorrected 14-18.
From me to you it is a very weird and hard process to record. Because theres no way to graph it.. I cant really exactly pinpoint the day I stopped being me, just that I wished I was normal for a very long time and worked at it.
Firstly youâre an adult now, your interests changed or atleast deformed from what they were when you were much younger. That comes as consolation, you have a clean slate and time to reevaluate old interests.
Realizing that youâre inauthentic is probably going to lead you down A sparse series of âaha!â Moments. Thatâs what happened with me. A few examples that might help:
I hated music -> I was just listening to the music everyone else liked, not music i find pleasing
I canât make good friends -> I was preoccupied with trying to seem non-aggressive, i lured in people that take advantage of insecure people
I hate my body -> Iâm not going to transform overnight, i will always live in this body. No sense in mistreating it
Among other things.
Donât be so hard on yourself for the way you are. Youâre using the exact part of your pysche that you used to muffle your personality in the past. Itâll just make more problems.
Watch lots of movies. Find ones you enjoy. Try to see yourself in some of the characters etc. Pick up random hobbies, some stick, some dont. Try to make jokes, even if you feel creepy at first.
At the end of the day you will only be you. There is no remedy or social hack for it, just find people that will like you.
Hope thatâs not too long đ€ If you ever want to PM I donât mind
Bridge the gap between Who you want others to perceive you as and Who you really are when nobody is watching.
I recommend reading Dr Joe Dispenza Breaking The Habit of Being yourself.