Im 28F. I’ve never done well in relationships. I’ve been single for a while. But recently I joined a dating app and had a date with this guy who hid the fact he has a child. He seems to be into me but I always run away when a guy is serious about me. Am I emotionally unavailable ? My friends say “you never let a guy love you.”
I’ve had a guy in the past become obsessed with me and became a stalker in the past. I was dealing with trauma for three years. So I always try to cut things off if I notice someone is a bit too into me. And I hate to get anyone’s hopes up so I have the need to cut them off immediately. Right now, Im regretting joining the dating app and want to delete it. My anxiety levels since talking to the guys has skyrocketed. I don’t know what I want. But every time I wonder if “I ever get into relationship with this guy and I leave him will he hurt me?”
Additionally the only men I’ve ever felt safe with have been gay and bisexual men( my best friends). The guy I’ve only loved unconditionally is my gay best friend. I know I have issues. Have no idea how to tell this guy who seems into me that I don’t want to date him. Im a people pleaser so I want to be as nice as possible and it’s eating me up.
Any advice would be great
5 comments
I am autistic and I’ve never been in a relationship myself. Most of my female friends are either in relationships, or not looking. I’m usually always emotionally available for my friends, but because I’m on the autism spectrum I’ve been socially awkward and I also have severe social anxiety.
My advice for you is to focus on yourself. I am also a people pleaser and people ended up using me because of my good nature and being autistic. Also take my advice and always question people’s intentions and instead of trying to please others we need to work on ourselves first.
If you’re not feeling good or comfortable dating you should take a break depending on the app you can probably hide your profile. I’ve had a sorta similar issue one of my first dates was a horrifying ordeal so I am always super cautious when I meet guys and I’ve worked through that and I still do so if you don’t feel it’s right for you to be dating or you can’t fully put yourself into it just take a break and focus on you 🙂
I would say work on the unresolved trauma from your past relationships before you start being super reactive with new ones and confusing the heck out of guys and yourself.
Next step would be setting some reasonable expectations on what you might get out of early dating… Companionship, someone to share a meal with, someone to go for a walk with… Not so much pressure to find a great love. Just someone you would rather spend time with than be alone.
That is actually a hard bar to pass with the way dating apps work.
therapy?
Time with a psychologist will help understand the patterns driving this behavior and they will help you make little tweaks so you can move forward.
There is no shame in it.