Was in a 3.5 month long situationship-type thing this summer with a friend I met doing a shared activity. We had been lightly flirting for a few weeks and hooked up after one of our events. Things moved pretty quickly over the next few weeks (hanging out, he helped me move apartments, attending friends’ parties together) until it got to the point where he let me know that he wasn’t looking for a relationship.
Stupidly, I believed in the strength of the connection and letting things be what they were, so I fell into the classic trap and we continued to see each other throughout the summer. The connection was and is insane, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. We get along on every level, can talk about anything for hours, celebrated birthdays together, our friends like each other etc. Every time we would get too close, he would institute some distance in an attempt to “reset” things.
Eventually, it got to the point where he recognized my feelings for him and we agreed that we should stop. He says he likes me and could see himself in a relationship with me, but right now he “wouldn’t be good for anyone.” He’s trying to find his next job and has some personal issues that he’s working through. He cares for me deeply and acknowledges the strength of our connection and I actually think it’s admirable that he doesn’t want me to wait. In the meantime, it’s so hard.
He’s been trying to give me my space, and me his, but it’s been hard for us to stay away from each other. We talk all the time on text and various different social platforms. Our in person meet-ups with our mutual friend group have resulted in us openly flirting back and forth to the point where two of my friends asked me if we were back on. After that, I told him that it’s best for us to limit our in-person interactions until I feel like I’m fully healed or there’s a change in how he’s viewing things. We still talk all the time, and this weekend he sent me a drunk Snapchat selfie. It’s at the point where sometimes I feel like I’m gaslighting myself with all these mixed signals.
It’s not like I’m sitting around and waiting for him. I’ve been active on dating apps and have been on a few dates. Each have gone well, but the connection just isn’t the same. The most recent guy hit me with the “I’ve realized I’m not ready to date because I’ve been dealing with family issues” line.
It’s just so frustrating and I feel like now I’m even more hurt because it makes the longing for that connection that much stronger. Every time he reaches out I get a glimmer of hope, but then it makes me sad because nothing changes the reality of the situation. I wish he would just come around and see that I’d be able to help him with anything and everything and a relationship doesn’t have to be scary. I don’t know what else to do. UGH.
1 comment
I’ve seen this play out too many times and I’ve been on both sides. Prepare yourself cuz this won’t be a fun read.
You’re not the person he wants. If the perfect person comes along, all of a sudden he’ll be done with his personal issues. When you find someone you can see a future with, you MAKE time and space in your life for them.
Although you think you get along on every level, you might just be projecting an image onto him. Maybe he’s just good at making people feel heard.
He’s stringing you along for when he’s bored or lonely, or he likes the validation, but he’s likely still on the hunt for what he truly wants in a partner. If you try to create distance, he’ll likely throw some messages and flirty comments in here and there just to keep you as an option.
The best option is to go no contact. By still messaging him, you’re opening the door to be walked all over and closing the door to any new relationship. Muster up some self-respect and tell him that you’re not interested in being his friend, and if he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you, then its time to quit communicating.
Trust me, you can’t just be friends. There will always be a weird tension and if you or him finds a partner, it’s unfair to that partner if you guys remain “friends” with those kinds of feelings still in the air.
The longer you engage with him, the more it’s gonna hurt when he moves on.