I hope this doesn’t come across wrong to anyone. I’m not sure how I feel about this. So up until about a year ago I was super religious and didn’t even think about sex at all. I was super repressed. But since then, I’ve had a reawakening and now I am much more open about my body and myself. I started to let myself enjoy my body, which started with masturbation. I did it pretty often and I love my sex toys (a glass dildo and a vibrator). Then, when I felt more comfortable actually having sex (guys off dating apps), it just….wasn’t as good? I know communication is super important, but all I feel when a guy is eating me out (for example) is that it would feel so much better if I just masturbated and did this myself. I still like the emotional aspect of dating (except I can’t find any good guys that are people I would want a future with), but when it comes to sex sometimes I feel like I prefer masturbation. What’s wrong with me? What should I do about this?
18 comments
You need to sit n sort things
Nope. Your mind can create far more erotic fantasies than exist in reality. You also know exactly what to do to please yourself. Anyone else has to be willing to learn.
Nothing’s at all wrong with you. Sex is different with different people. You may find someone with whom sex is very good, and if you still prefer another way of stimulation you can teach him how to do that for you so you get to enjoy it with him. It’s not at all unusual.
There was a comedian that said “sex is a great alternative to the real thing,” in reference to masturbation. I never related more.
Makes sense to me.
You know your body better than these hookups.
I don’t think anything is wrong with you. Self pleasure and partnered sex are not the same. It takes time to teach someone else how to touch you as well as you touch yourself. And it doesn’t help that so many partners are selfish. You have the option of mutual masturbation or touching yourself during partnered sex if either of those interest you.
I can kind of relate. It’s not actually that I prefer it, but I’m a little afraid to have sex because I’m hypersensitive and I cum so easily.. which may not initially seem like a problem (other than how inconvenient it can be in everyday life, different story), but I have a complex around being judged or seen as “slutty” for it. Or that they wouldn’t see it as much of an accomplishment to make me cum since it would happen regardless.
In your case, it may be something to do with sexual compatibility, or perhaps even a physical manifestation of the ghosts of your previous beliefs. Either way, I don’t think you’re fucked up.
There could be some left over frigidity (of a sort) from purity culture if that’s what you came out of. Being warmed up to sex doesn’t happen right away for those coming out of that. Even if mentally you’ve decided to let go and let yourself enjoy it, there can be underlying feelings of not letting go. I’ve written about that in the book *40 Christian Myths about Sex*. Another thing is that you’ve only had a year with this. Not every man is equally skilled in performing that act with you, especially ones in their 20s. It can take some experience. Also, not having it can be safer. Having sex does present some risks in a variety of ways. If you enjoy it more by just yourself there’s that bright side. Finally, many women need a relationship to truly enjoy it. As much as some scoff at the austere position of those who teach waiting for sex until marriage, there is some truth to what they are saying. Being able to have a mental and emotional connection, mutual understanding, and love, before having sex with someone often does make it more special. Hookups at times (not always) leave people feeling empty or not enjoying it as much.
Well, here is the thing: if you prefer your vibrator to men to such an extent that you stop seeking the company of men, 30, 40 years from now, you’re going to start feeling lonely.
If, on the other hand — to coin a phrase — the vibrator and the man become like the peanut butter and the jelly, two great things that are even better together, then everything becomes much easier.
My girlfriend really loved her vibrator. I was happy to use it on her during sex. The effect it had on her facial expression would have been enough reason for me, even if the effect it had on her vagina were somehow not.
It’s perfectly fine. I’m that way. I’m not sure why you think it’s ‘fucked up’. It’s just your preference. Mine has changed at times too. Being with the right person did that for me. Sometimes sex is better, sometimes not. All orgasms are good.
there’s nothing wrong with this. nobody understands your body better than yourself, so it makes sense to feel like your needs aren’t being met. the thing is, though, don’t get stuck in that mindset. some people will really connect with you and your body and that is something that masturbation could never do. it’s all about the person you’re in bed with.
You like what you like. I would say that there are definitely things you can do better yourself and more “efficiently”. I’ve found that there is a lot to enjoy about sexual relationships, especially if you have the time to really experiment and find ways to make it feel good for the both of you. Maybe you’ll find something new someday that you really like that’s not possible for you to replicate with your toys. In the mean time, you do you you and don’t feel any shame about it!
Idk, I know myself best and can get deep into my own fantasies on my own. Very satisfying. But I like the feel of a real dick too and the person that comes with it.
If you didn’t love sex with yourself the break-up conversation would be really awkward
Here’s one thing that I don’t think I read on other replies to you. You probably have the female version of Death Grip. You know exactly how to touch yourself, you know exactly how to get yourself off. You can probably get off in lighting speed if you wanted.
But this knowledge does not translate to a partner easy. Everyone is different, the way I touch/fuck my last partner will never be exactly how my next partner will want to be touched/fucked.
Same thing goes for when a girl touches/fucks me… what ever she did with her last partner, most likely will not translate to me.
That’s why they call it a dance. You have to dance with your partner to learn their moves, their style and their type of music too, if you get my gist.
It’s awesome that you have opened doors to your own sexual experiences. Now open the door to patience and communication and find yourself a partner that is able and willing to meet you half way.
I think of them sort of as equals but very different. You might not have met someone you’re truly sexually compatible with just yet. Plus, when you don’t have feelings for the person, it’s just… not nearly as good, haha.
nope, people are awful. this includes women so dont think guys in any way have an easier time dating than women do. its better to just masturbate than bother interacting with people irl. i have a partner for erotic roleplay chat online but thats it. getting close to others isnt worth the risk.
I’m beginning to wonder if there’s different types of orgasms? I think physically my body orgasms/spasms and can get oversensitive during sex but my brain orgasm is a whole other thing. I’ve had sex with a few people and only “fireworks in the brain” orgasm with one