Social Skills Guide 2: Electric Boogaloo (What They See is What you Are)

What’s up guys! Today is a VERY special day, because I have something SUPER important to tell you. So important that it’s going to shake the very foundation of your life as you know it.

Today, we’re breakin’ the old notions you had about of yourself, and we’re going to equip you with the right tools to release your true potential (extra credit to those who get the reference).

So, last week we learned where our negative self-perceptions come from and how to pull up the roots of our traumas to move forward. We learned that we’re beautiful, good, and worth it. Worth the effort to become our best selves.

This week, we start getting to the real meat and potatoes. The reason why you’re all here.

Today, we’re going to start building our ideal selves. At least, we’re going to talk about the traits that build your ideal self.

Can’t give it all at once, can we? 😉

(THIS IS A LONG READ!!!!!!)

TL;DR: Stop being lazy. It doesn’t take THAT long to read. You’re worth a few minutes of reading.

Remember our ideal build?

Confident. Intelligent. Assertive. Funny. Fit. Stylish. Kind & Considerate. I’ll throw in a few other important ones: Self-awareness, Character, Interests, & Integrity.

All of these traits are imperative to having great self-esteem and presenting the best version of yourself to the world.

In the context of social skills, these traits are almost universally admired and attractive to all and will endear you to 90% of people (because 10% of people are miserable, and who cares what they think?)

I’m going to go down the list. Each section is going to have a general description of what it actually is in simple terms, and how they relate to the world around you & what you project.

LFGOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

We’re going to start with the foundational one, the one that if you don’t have, you CAN’T have the others.

1. Self-Awareness:

Self-awareness is one of those things that defines itself. You know what you are, and where you stand, good and bad. Self-awareness is developed through self-honesty. Where are you good, where are you mediocre, what are your shortcomings, what needs to be addressed & how to address it, etc.

Don’t lie to yourself. Be brutally honest, and I do use brutal purposefully because the truth is painful, and there’s no growth without stretching.

This also ties into confidence, because when you’re self-aware, you know exactly what you are, what your values are, and so on.

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2. Confidence.

I HATE when people say, “be confident”. We’ve all heard it, and I bet you haven’t been quite able to fully implement this useless advice. Know why? Because nobody ever explained quite what that means. Allow me to elevate your understanding.

Confidence, in simple terms, is being sure and steady in who & what you are, regardless of outside opinion or feedback.

Remember when I said that self-awareness ties into confidence? (You should, it’s literally right above this one) that’s because when you know who & what you are, the next step after that is not only accepting but EMBRACING those traits. Confidence is owning what and who you are with pride and acceptance.

You should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate/love what’s looking back at you. Be proud of you. Remember last week when I said (shouted, really) that there’s nothing wrong with you? You’re alive, capable, and able. That alone should be something to be proud of. You’ve made it through 100% of your bad days, and yet here you are, tired & dissatisfied with where you want to be, so you’re here reading this random person’s guide on how to better yourself. I’m proud of you for that. Truly.

Confidence in yourself radiates to others. You walk tall with your head high and your chest out. You look people in the eye. You smile at people walking by. What this does, is give people confidence in you. I can’t explain why, but confidence is universally attractive, regardless of relationship context. You ever meet an unconfident person? They don’t look you in the eye. They give you a weak, loose “wet fish” handshake. Maybe they give you a wry smile. You recoil in disgust. Your respect for this person plummets through the floor down to the depths of Tartarus.

Now, let’s look at that in reverse: you meet someone new, and they stand tall and look you in the eyes. They flash a big bright smile that radiates warmth. They give you a firm handshake and ask you about yourself. I’m willing to bet you instantly like this person, or at the very least you have a decent level of immediate respect for them. That’s what confidence does.

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3. Assertive

After confidence, which is being sure and steady in yourself (we’ll call it self-love), comes assertiveness. Assertiveness is respecting yourself enough to give yourself value enough to not allow disrespect. In other words, you stand up for yourself.

This comes after confidence because in order to do this, you have to be secure and sure in yourself, or rather, LOVE yourself, to the point where you will only allow respect, regardless of who or what is on the other end. Now, as I say this, don’t be a dick. Be polite, but firm. This means learning the art of “No”. “No” is a complete sentence that requires no further evaluation or explanation. This also applies to yourself. When you’re steady on who/what you are, you exercise assertiveness in yourself by not disregarding those values & traits in the face of temptation or pressure.

People respect people who respect themselves. You respect yourself by carrying yourself in a way that shows security in self and being firm in your principles. Don’t compromise your self-respect or values for anyone, and don’t allow yourself to be pulled by what everyone else wants/does. Stand on your own two.

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4. Character

Character is the “what” you are. I am a man of kindness, integrity, patience, confidence, boldness, intelligence, and loyalty. Character makes up the collection of morals and values you hold that drive your walk in life. Without them, you are lost, and more importantly, you will have no sense of self. Choose your values wisely.

You should aim to be a person of integrity, confidence, and kindness above all else. If you have these three, they will inform everything else.

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5. Integrity

Integrity is to be a person of truth, honesty, and someone who stands for the right thing. Nobody likes a dishonest person. If they do, or someone shows a lack of integrity, it’s a major red flag and you should avoid that person.

Integrity is to be true to yourself and your morals. It holds you accountable to your best self and ensures that you stay firm in your convictions.

A person with integrity doesn’t lie, hide intentions or feelings, nor allow themselves or others to be trampled on. Integrity is the primary builder of trust, in yourself and others. Once integrity is compromised, you make yourself unworthy of trust and reliance. Make sure this is a key piece of who you are. It’s VERY important.

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6. Intelligent

Intelligence is the way you think of the world. It’s well-informed, aware, and articulate. There’s a difference between knowledge, wisdom, and intelligence. Knowledge is the acquisition of information. Intelligence is the contextualization and articulation of information. Wisdom is knowing the proper application of specific information based on context. While being both wise and intelligent is great, we’ll talk about intelligence.

Being intelligent means you’re able to contextualize the world and your thoughts through your specific perspective and articulate those thoughts and feelings in a well-thought-out and open-minded manner.

Intelligence signals to others that you have more than peas for a brain. You make interesting observations and commentaries, and you’re able to engage in deeper than surface-level conversation.

I myself am an absolute sucker for an intelligent woman (nerdy gals hmu!) as are most people, but to a point. You don’t want to inundate new people with highly specialized, esoteric vernacular that’s going to make their heads spin. Learn enough to be able to articulate interesting thoughts and observations. I’ll touch more on this next week.

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7. Funny

A sense of humor. It goes hand in hand with intelligence, as most humor is observational in nature. You find the punchline in the mundane and darkness of life. Most people like funny people. They make people laugh, and who doesn’t want to smile? It’s an important piece to being personable and a HUGE element that gets people to be at ease and lower their people shields.

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8. Fit

Being in shape. You don’t have to be super jacked or the next Mr./Mrs. Olympia, but you shouldn’t be grossly out of shape. Getting in good shape will make your appearance levels shoot up to the stars. You’ll feel better on the inside, health-wise, and emotionally, and you’ll be more attractive as a result.

People who are “fit” are deemed more conventionally attractive on average to the general populace. This isn’t up for debate. There are people of all shapes and sizes, and everyone deserves love and respect as people. There’s someone for everyone. That said, there’s a such thing as the “halo effect”, where people who are deemed more conventionally attractive are more generally well-liked. Being fit is part of this. This is true, and no, you’re not the exception. Also, being fit makes your clothes look better. Hit the gym. Eat 80% clean. I’ll get deeper into how to get fit next week.

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9. Stylish

The drip. The sauce. Dress to get fresh. There are some of us who are fashionably challenged. That’s okay, we can fix that. I’ll go in-depth on how to find the right style for you next week, but for now, at the bare minimum, this is what this means: well-fitting, clean clothes that are eye-catching and don’t look like you pulled out the first thing you saw in your laundry bin.

I’ll add being well-groomed and smelling good to being stylish.

Find a good barber or hairstylist and ask them what style fits you best. Hit the barber at least every two weeks. Keep a clean appearance. Brush your teeth and chew gum or mints. Brush and comb your hair daily. Use moisturizer. Use hair lotion and oils. Trim your nose and ear hairs. Take a shower in the morning and before bed. Wear deodorant. Find a couple of good colognes/perfumes to cycle through the different seasons. Change your washcloths and towels AT LEAST once a week. You get to wear clothes twice before washing them. Laundry once a week minimum. Never leave the house without doing these things.

That’s everything you need to know about how to smell nice and groom yourself.

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10. Kind & Considerate

Kindness costs nothing but it always pays dividends. To be kind is to have empathy for others, and to be of service to others. Consideration is kindness in action. There’s a difference between being “kind” and being “nice”. They function the same, but kindness comes from the heart, while niceness can be performative.

You can tell when someone is being fake nice. It’s really off-putting. Be kind instead. What kindness looks like is giving genuine compliments, holding the door open, and giving of your time and resources to those in need. Kindness is a big part of the “warm” energy you get from certain people. It radiates genuine energy and endears others to you, as well as warms your own heart.

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Alright, several hours later and I think that’s everything! I know we’re all a few years older after reading through all of that, but I thought it was important to define what each other those traits are and how they affect your social standing before getting into the “HOW” of it all. That’s next week.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I hope you got something worthwhile out of all this 😊