So I (f26) have been dating my girlfriend (f23) for about a year now. I’ve noticed that we have different definitions and preferences when it comes to sex. And this being a queer relationship there is kind of this expectation of either being the “top” or “bottom” in the relationship which is pretty stupid imo. Me and my gf are both bisexual and I consider myself to be a switch but top leaning.
I think my gf purely views sex as just fucking. Where as for me I prefer lovey-dovey type sex with an emotional connection, eye contact, etc, which hasn’t happened in months. I don’t mind fucking without the love-making sometimes but it seems like that’s all it is every time we have sex, no matter how I try to communicate it, I just get tired of it and drop it. I’m not really feeling satisfied at all. I feel like she only thinks about her pleasure. I feel like our sex just revolves around me fucking her with a strap on. I don’t mind it but I really don’t get anything out of it other than pleasing her. She wants me to “degrade her” and “treat her like a whore” every time we have sex and it’s just starting to become a huge turn off to me. I feel like that’s the only way she wants sex now. No intimacy or emotional connection, not really any reciprocation on my end. It’s starting to feel like a job.
When we first starting dating , we had incredible sex. I just really don’t know what happened and how to communicate my needs to sure anymore without feeling shame or embarrassed. I want to feel pleasure too. I love this girl so much and I just want to have a great sex life with her. We’ve been through so many life changes recently, could it just be the stress of it all? Advice?
3 comments
Please sit down and talk to her. Assure her that you love her but you also have needs and boundaries. Meet in the middle
Well, I think it’d be worth discussing alternating sexual approaches. If one night just about dirty debauchery (her preference), then the next night can be about cuddles and sensuality. Kinda like having sexual favors for eachother, it might be the most effective way to solve this.
Otherwise, the only idea I’d offer: she expects u to “top”, and a component of topping is directing the action. Maybe if u have her go down on u to “earn” u fucking her brains out, u can make a game out of it? I think this would be easier to introduce if talking about it isn’t as natural for u.
I dunno, I do wish u luck, this sounds like a tricky 1
I am a little out of my depth here, but it stands to reason that different needs are fine but you need to require reciprocation. You are effectively roleplaying her type, she needs to roleplay yours.
What I have found helpful for me is to ask for specific things, but also identify the underlying need. Ask, can you make eye contact with me this time? It makes me feel loved. Then if she says no, for some boundary reason or something, you don’t insist on the eye contact but you absolutely do insist on the feeling loved. That puts the burden on finding an alternative solution of she really just can’t do that thing, instead of just blowing the whole thing off.
If that doesn’t work, you have a selfish partner. Hope this helps.