Well, title says it all.
I am struggling to love my husband. Today marks our 12 year anniversary. We are supposed to be happy and celebrate our love. So far all I can celebrate is amount of hurtful things he’s ever done to me. All of these years I was certain I loved him. And I did. And I still do? What do I have to do to understand ? Up until couple of months ago I loved him more than anything.
I am supposed to be excited to dress sexy and nice. Go out to dinner. Love my husband. But I don’t want to make effort. I am dreading the evening when we get home and touches me… I have so much pain. So much resentment. It’s just squeezed all of the love I had. Will the pain go away and love will come back ? What’s next ?
He never cheated on me. Never hit me.
Just never made me feel like I was the one.
6 comments
You have to decide what you love more, your husband or your grudge. Right now, you’re harboring a lot of unforgiveness towards him. I don’t know what he did, but I’m betting you haven’t been perfect either. If you don’t love him, do not make him suffer through trying to show you love and maintain a relationship that you’ve already checked out of. You’re going to reject him over and over and over and leave him wondering why he isn’t worth the effort, why you dread his affection for as long as it takes for something to break and either cause him to leave, or to be miserable for the rest of his life. That’s about as low a thing to do to someone as I can think of.
I’m sorry. This all sounds painful. What I’d suggest is that you make repairing your marriage your anniversary gift to each other. Consider marriage counseling, get and read [The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work) together, and schedule time to do things you both find fun together. Making room for playfulness is important.
I am sorry for your feelings around your marriage. I am in the same place after 30 years and working actively to repair things with my wife. You need to speak to your partner about how you feel. Set the expectation that work needs to be done on both sides of the relationship and you are anxious to see what you two can make of the future.
Counseling is important, but you need to have conversations about getting into counseling that will be difficult. If I could offer my perspective as a man, do not talk about the verbal abuse you feel you have suffered for the last 12 years. Of course you can mention it, but don’t harp on it. There is nothing that can change it, he will probably not recall the circumstances the same as you, and you will fall into an argument about how you each recall events from years ago. Been there, done that. Those arguments lead to dead ends.
Start from today. Start identifying the small things that he does that you see as negative or hurtful. Bring them up in the moment. Don’t be hurt, just be matter of fact and offer an alternate way for your husband to communicate to you that is not hurtful. Be consistent and be patient. Habits take a long time to reform. As long as he is receptive and tries to get better you have hope.
Have lots of small, positive conversations, rather than a few negative ones when the resentment has reached a breaking point.
I wish you luck and love in the future.
You need to stop faking it, your only do yourself and him a disservice. I would tell him straight up how you feel and not go out.
I would honestly see personal and couples therapy. I went through this with my husband. We been together for over 20+ years, we gone through alot together and have done things we both resent. But we worked it through together and honestly we are stronger now. But everyone is different.
You never talked about what happened in the last two months that made you fall out of love. You aren’t communicating clearly on something incredibly important to the situation, which makes me think you have poor communication skills. Marriage takes good communication for both sides to be heard and for a solution to be worked out. You need to elaborate further, and also work on your communication skills on the meantime.