My father(60M) is the worst of the narcissists. He restricted me(20M; oldest sibling; 1 younger brother) from applying to college for 2 years. He took all my salaries for whole two years. I worked very hard but he took all the money. Now, as I have worked on my self-esteem and ready to be independent, I applied to an international college for full ride and will hopefully get in. Also, I opened my own bank account and am getting my salary in my account.
Since my childhood, I have seen my mom(55F) always trying to keep my dad happy, although she knows it is impossible. Whatever you do, he will always be blaming you for things you didn’t do. But when he restricted my college, my mom stood up against him and tried to convince him to let me go to college but all in vain.
When she talked to me, she usually said, “Just wait 6 more months. When admissions open again, I will convince your dad and I will do anything to admit you into college.” After waiting for 6 months every time and when dad doesn’t let me study, I ask her, “You said that you will do anything for my studies.” She replies, “I tried but failed. I couldn’t convince him. You should keep your dad happy. He is too old. Don’t bother him that much. He will SURELY admit you next semester. He PROMISED.”
It feels like she is not on my side. She is actually an agent of my narcissistic dad. She was just keeping me convinced that he is a good father, I need to keep him happy and keep supporting him financially. I feel like a scapegoat now. She is trying to get as much money as possible from me. She seems to be on my dad’s side but she doesn’t know that she will not get any reward that my dad may have promised her in return.
I have a theory: The fact that my parents quarrel a lot and my dad wins every argument using different tactics, I believe this is not an actual fight but parents are just setting an example for us(I and my brother) that we cannot win against our dad and we should always fear him. If my mom got some gift money from my uncle, dad would verbally abuse her until she pays that money to my dad. Here, it seems like they are setting an example that I should keep paying him my salary or he will do the same to me (which I am not afraid of now).
Now, the real problem begins. My employer is my mom’s brother (uncle). Mom says, “Whatever money you have, please give 10% of it to me every month because your dad doesn’t give me and I need money for this and that and that. ” I think she will pay it back to my father every time I give it to her. But I have to give her or she may force my uncle to fire me (which is unlikely in my opinion, but possible). I paid her some money today but I don’t know if I should keep paying her. If I stop, what reason should I give?
My life looks like a political movie. I am so confused if she is tricking me. I don’t know if she actually means what she says. If she is on my dad’s side, she may be too wise or too dumb. I gave you some information that I think is important. If I missed something important, please let me know and I will tell you.
What do you think in this matter? Do you believe in my theory? What do you advise what should I do in the given situation?
TL:DR:: Father is taking me salary for 2 years and not admitting me to college. My mom is trying to convince me that my father loves me so that I keep paying them my salary. She takes my side when talking to my dad. But when she talks to me, after convincing me that she is on my side, she says, “From one perspective, your dad is also right!” I know my dad doesn’t love me but I don’t if my mom too.
5 comments
I think your mother is also being emotionally abused and will do whatever she can to keep the peace. You need to get out of there, go to college, and live your own life. Go LC or NC until they are ready to have a relationship with you that doesn’t involve you paying for their affection.
Your mom isn’t on your side, you’re right. You’ve done a lot of great work setting yourself for independence. Keep going. Stop working for your uncle ASAP–if this application doesn’t pan out, get another job and move out. Make a ceasing of asking for money the condition under which you speak to your mother. If she won’t drop it, drop talking to her, either NC or LC. These people are going to ruin your life if you don’t follow through here.
Your dad is 60, he’s a relatively young man, this is not a situation where you humor someone on their deathbed by giving into an argument so they can pass in peace.
Bro cut them off and leave. These people will be your demise.
I know this situation well because my dad was also an abuser and my mom was the most abused by him but condoned it. As much as we love our moms, they will never leave their abuser and they will only drag us into it. There’s nothing you can do but limit contact. Occasional monthly phone calls to your mom to check in and say hello. End the conversation every time she brings your dad up.
Don’t pay your Dad another fucking dime and don’t believe a word out of either of their mouths.