We have been together for 2 years now. At the beginning of our relationship I was 25lbs heavier. I am 5’5 and currently weigh 150lbs. My bf is really into fitness and honestly doesn’t even have my ideal body type (more skinny/lean than I’d prefer) but regardless he has a nice body.

I have been wanting to loose another 10ish bc at times I still feel a little uncomfortable with my body and would be my ideal body to loose some more fat.

This is where I’m torn: about 8 months ago- I hired a nutritionist and fitness coach to help me get to my goal. I did this because my lovely boyfriend confessed that he didn’t find my body attractive and was on the fence about breaking up with me (or so it seemed like). Fast forward a month in- we had some trauma and I became depressed, unmotivated, etc and so I stopped caring about my body and gained around 8/10 lbs depending on the month lol

I know started feeling better and been changing my eating habits and hitting the gym hard.

When he starts making comments and ignoring my requests of reassurance that he finds me attractive.

Our routine is that we work out together 3-5x a week. The past 3 weeks he hasn’t been asking me to workout together. I bring it up yesterday and he replied “I don’t want to force you to work out- so I’m letting you decide when you want to workout with me”

I became livid. 1) he never said this was his plan 2) he hasn’t asked me about how I’m feeling or doing after our trauma 3) he mentioned me getting back with a coach (when I had already reached out but hadn’t told him yet)

I’m really thinking about why he even asked me to be his girlfriend when I was 20lbs heavier (he obviously didn’t find me attractive). How he doesn’t know me because I genuinely like working out-just have had issues with my nutrition matching up .

The kicker…he joked that he will propose after I loose 10lbs.

How stupid am I? Any advise? Any experience or similar issues you’ve Had?

TDLR: my boyfriend of 2 years has issues with the way my body looks as I am 5,5 and 150lbs. Thinking if this is the relationship for me.

thank Im advance!

40 comments

  1. > I did this because my lovely boyfriend confessed that he didn’t find my body attractive and was on the fence about breaking up with me (or so it seemed like).

    Why did he start dating you in the first place given you were 25lbs heavier at the start of your relationship?

    > I became livid. 1) he never said this was his plan 2) he hasn’t asked me about how I’m feeling or doing after our trauma 3) he mentioned me getting back with a coach (when I had already reached out but hadn’t told him yet)

    Sounds like he’s not actually concerned about your health, only about his attraction to you.

    > The kicker…he joked that he will propose after I loose 10lbs.

    Manipulation 101. If someone starts with that crap, end things, move on. Marriage isn’t a carrot you dangle in front of someone’s face.

  3. Do you really want to be with someone that makes you feel this insecure and jokes about proposing if you drop down to a size he deems acceptable??

    I read this and all I could think was: Fuck that guy.

  5. When he said that he was about to break up with you because of your body you should have already break up with him. Why would you stay with him.

  7. Why the fuck did he date you in the first place… you were 25 lbs heavier… I am so confused.

    Even if things do work out right now, and you guys end up getting married, your relationship is still doomed.

    You will get older. You will probably gain some more weight. Basically, you will get less attractive. It’s bound to happen. When the time comes, would he say shit like, “You gotta lose 10 lbs or else I’ll want a divorce”?

    I rarely give this advice, but dump him. Jesus.

  8. Do you really want to marry a man who’s love for you is conditional? And that condition being 10 fucking pounds.

  9. What was this “trauma”? Bad enough to cause the relationship to end? Because I hate to say it, but that kind of sounds like that’s what is beginning to happen, but neither one of you really wants to admit it. I don’t even think it has anything to do with your weight, I just think it’s being used as an excuse… I’m sorry :/

  10. Any advice of what to say to him? I have a hard time being honest in what I want to say…and I want to say
    I feel like you don’t really love me or want to be V with me because………..

  11. What a dreadful thing to say to your girlfriend! This is not how relationships work at all! You’re a whole person, not a body size.

    Life is hard and it gets harder as you go along. A good partner loves you every day, not just on your 10 pounds thinner days. I don’t think he’s trying to help or encourage you, I think he’s putting you down to make himself feel better. Maybe he feels insecure so he’s white-anting your confidence thinking that’ll make you stay. Anyway, he’d better get his act together because it sounds like you’ve had enough of his crap!

  12. The fact that he was willing to break up with you just because of your weight means he has no regard for your relationship. You deserve someone who respects you. If he wanted to encourage you to live a more fit lifestyle, there are different ways to go about that. Threatening to end your relationship is not one of them.

    If you want to continue with this relationship, you can have a talk with him. Tell him how his words affect you and how he’s been an inconsiderate asshole for not even taking into account how you’ve been feeling since your trauma. But I personally would just dump him.

  13. Dump him and just like that you’ve lost as many pounds as he weighs. Goal achieved 👏

  14. I have so much I wanna say. But in short – he is very insecure. VERY. And insecurity is one of the biggest, reddest flags out there, it’s the root of a trillion more problems down the line

    Btw. You are the same height and weight as me and for him to make those comments seems absolutely absurd. You are not unhealthy. At all. Oh he is so incredibly vain….

  16. You can’t live with this level of scrutiny. Bodies fluctuate for so many reasons and yours isn’t allowed that? So many harmful thinking patterns are forming in your mind with this sort of dynamic, such damaging behaviour from him

  18. This is coming from a man: Although he’s a man, and most men’s attraction in women stems from the visual, it’s really weird and not good for you to be with someone who jokes about proposing after losing 10ibs.

    Cut your losses and move on.

  19. If I was you I would move on from him, he’s not the kind of person that will stick with you through illness.

    He can have his priorities, but he’s being an ass about this and you know how easily he could want to break up with out.

    My boyfriend has also commented on my weight, but he has never called me unattractive/said he wants to leave me because of it. I just objectively weigh a little too much and I’m working on it. I know my boyfriend would never break up with me because of weight, unless I would completely neglect my health for years (which would be that our values just don’t match anymore).

    You deserve someone who will stick with you through (almost) anything, and they’re out there. You got this x

  20. So what happens if you put on weight in the future due life? Like having a baby or having health issues. This man won’t stand by you.

  21. Ugh. Your body is going to change in life. If you have kids, your body is going to change. Imagine walking on eggshells around someone who only cares about his fantasy image of you. Drop him

  22. How stupid? Again with the self debasement talk. You fell for someone with self esteem issues who bolsters their own tiny ego by putting someone else down.

    What is worrying is you doing this to feel loved and attractive. That mindset is toxic to your well being as you are relying on outside validation to give you the juice to keep going. Look into loving yourself, being healthy because it feels good to you and then your self love and confidence will attract someone who is equal and supportive and who communicates without manipulation.

    He is trying to sabotage you btw right now by removing his “care” about you exercising with him.

  24. I think he just wants a Trophy wife/girlfriend. If he really loves you he should understand that you are trying your best and this is hurting you. No matter how much he loves you, but Self respect comes first than anything else. You dont need him. You dont need his validation. Its your choice to lose weight or stay the same. Not his. Based on your weight and height i dont think that you are fat to a level where it would hurt your health. Just foxus on being healthy than being thin. Always remember you come first 🙂. Ping me if you ever need to talk or need any support. Take care and don’t let any man dictate who you should be.

  26. You start dating people because you like them as they are. You can’t date them expecting them to change.

    Find a guy who makes you feel beautiful in your own skin.

  27. There are PLENTY of kind, genuine and supportive guys out there who will LOVE your body and find you so attractive and sexy.

    Break up with this loser and when you’re ready, find a man who will appreciate you for who you are – no matter what size you are.

  28. Whenever you meet someone who has to make snotty comments and put other people down in order to feel ok about themselves, drop them. It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, or what.

    Red flag.

  29. I think you may want to “tighten” those ten pounds. If they are “loose,” they are nasty.

  30. >The kicker…he joked that he will propose after I loose 10lbs.

    That’s just setting you up for a lifetime of manipulation. If he proposes after you lose 10 lbs, will he threaten to call off the engagement if you gain it back? What if you gain it back once you’re married? It’s really hard and painful to live with someone whose love and approval are contingent on anything you do, but especially on weight.

  31. I think you should end it now because it gets a lot harder to keep weight off when you get older, and I’m 100% sure he was being honest about not being attracted to you having 10 or 20 extra lbs. You would be far happier in the future with someone who is attracted to plus size women. He’s probably too insecure to break up with you even if it would be best for both of you.

  32. I think you should drop that excessive 190lbs or however much he weighs.

    Seriously, I was 125lbs, then 150lbs, now 120lbs. Not once has my bf said anything negative about my body because he actually likes me and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings for no real reason.

    Way to motivate someone.

  34. I’m sorry but this guy is an asshole. His entire attraction to you fluctuates to the tune of 20 lbs. What happens when you age? Will you need Botox? Will you need to be even more obsessive with your weight to meet his standards? How often a day are you focused on your weight and trying to please him? This sounds miserable.

  35. So, are you hoping to have a future with this man? Like marriage and maybe kids in the future? If you are then you need to ask yourself if you want to feel this way for the rest of your life. He won’t change. Will you ever be good enough for him? Doubtful.

  36. Short version, don’t be with someone like this. At 33, he sounds a little immature and/or controlling. You are too young to settle for someone like that. But this has been going on for awhile, and for your next relationship, think about why you put up with it so long and if better communication/boundaries could have helped this before it festered.

    Personal experience: When I met my man at 19, I was heavy, and then I lost a lot of weight due to exercise and dance, got too thin, and then I gained some of it back to be a normal weight. He did not care or acknowledge it. At 30, I gained another 10, got a personal trainer. He didn’t care.

    Then he got cancer at 33 – your man’s age – and withered away to bones. I did everything I could to save his life and we did, for 4 years. He got back to a normal weight. Then he’d lose it again for the next treatment. Gain it. Lose it. I also gained weight from the stress and the need to cook caloric food for him. We looked bad in pictures – thin man, fat lady – and literally did not care. I still keep them on my fridge.

    That’s the kind of relationship you can have in your 30s-40s. Acceptance, change, a house, pets, tragedies, and supporting/celebrating each other through those challenges to the very end. Ask yourself if you can get there, from where you are now, with this person.

    Aspire for better. But keep in mind you have to be ready to recognize better, and that’s why personal growth, communication, and introspection on your flaws are all important for next time.

  37. So he doesn’t have the body type that you prefer, and you don’t have the body type that he prefers. What’s the deal here? Break up so you can both pursue what you’re really after.

  38. it looks to me that you both have issues regarding the physical appearance of the other person, but the worst is his. if he does this now, what would he do when you are pregnant or have kids?

    With your weight and height, it seems to me that you are somewhere between healthy weight and overweight, it’s not big deal. If you have more muscle mass, this may influence the scale more.

    Just let him get a ballerina or a victoria’s secrets model, if he has such skewed view on women, and find someone who find you attractive, both in his body and mind, else you will live an unhappy life.

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