As the title says, when I first see people who I know I tend to just… not acknowledge them whatsoever, and instead keep my head down and pretend to be preoccupied with something else. This makes the interaction awkward from the get-go and I’ll be incredibly self-conscious while pretending to do whatever I’m pretending to do. I’ll desperately hope that the other person will initiate the interaction.
Obviously I don’t do this in every situation and with every person. The main situation that I’m currently doing it in is at university with a small group that I work with around twice a week. We’re a few months into the year now so there’s this weird dynamic where everyone else gets on well but I’m kind of the quiet guy.
It’s pathetic. I want to just expose myself to my fear but it’s a bit difficult because I’ve been really quiet for so long. Any advice?
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That’s not a war, just talk to them if you think that’ll be better than being quiet or just do whatever you want. & I didn’t get the pretending thing.. like why do you even do that.
As I get older I realize I don’t have to be friendly and kind to everyone I meet. I have a similar issue wouldn’t worry about it too much. Guess it depends who it is as well.
Since you’re aware of it, just be more mindful of it when it happens. Next time you’re passing by someone and you get the urge to look away, smile and wave instead.
Even if you do look away, just look back up and smile and say hey. It’s always okay to try again
It doesn’t have to be one or the other. There’s got to be a sweet spot between not acknowledging them, which is potentially offensive, and pretending in order to people please, which the disingenuousness of seems to make you uncomfortable as well.
You could make an effort to just make
eye contact, smile, and say hi to everyone, and follow up with a “I’m wrapped up in my book (or XYZ) but it’s been good to see you” if you don’t want it going any further than a hello. Eventually sometime might ask you about more details on what you’re doing and conversations can happen more organically and comfortably.
If anyone asks about your social change just be honest and able to laugh at yourself. One of my best friends now thought I was an absolute douche when we met because I could not meet their eyes from SA. Eventually a friendship began naturally and when they told me how I came across I felt a little ashamed and embarrassed. Between my making an effort to be more aware and polite, and them kind of letting the group know where I was at, it increased my confidence and abilities.
All that to say it’s never too late, and I think just making the effort to change will slowly build your skills and confidence!
Augh I relate to this hard. I used to do the same thing all the time, and i still have to actively force myself not to. The weirdness for me is that sometimes I actually don’t recognise the person because I’m always lost in my own thoughts, and am bad with faces, but sometimes it’s that I just feel like saying the same thing to someone that I said yesterday (“hi” lol) would be strange and annoying, so if I’m going to say something, it has to be elaborate and worthwhile, which of course just puts too much pressure on me and stresses me out.
I’ve realised though, others aren’t so aware of the interactions they have with people. You could say the same thing every day, with the same tone and they’d be completely happy with it because most people just enjoy human interaction. They enjoy people showing them attention.
It sounds too simple, but really, just say hi. Stopping thinking about yourself and your own thoughts while you’re in the hallway where you might see others (if that’s what you’re also doing), and just actively pay attention to those around you. Thinking about others will make you less self-conscious too, because your thoughts won’t be on yourself.
Just smile and say hi.
The more you focus on other ppl’s feelings in spite of how you feel, the easier it is to overcome social anxiety. At least it works for me
Just keep practicing saying hello to people close to you right as you run into them… It should be easier to say hullo to people you’re comfortable with, and if you make a long term effort to politely greet them in the morning, or when you are having a bad day, or in any circumstances… then when it’s time to greet others beyond your circle, it should feel more natural and easy.
i´d say just force yourself to an extend. you may stutter but thats ok. what else u can do is visualisation.. it works for me. imagine a situation you lived before and modify it in your head they way you prefered to have acted. it works for me. everytime i´m in a situation and think “damn i couldve done it better” or “thats not how i wish to respond” i just assimilate my desired behavior. it wont come out perfect the next time but it really doesnt matter. what matters is the openess that comes with it and the domino effect. it just will progress and evolve.
since you are still in that “pretending not to see” someone, put yourself in the shoes of someone that is being treated the way you are treating someone. how would u feel if someone pretended not to see you?
the first step is to just look at them. most of the response just comes naturally. like if they smile, you will probably smile too. if they say hi, you respond. but eye contact is the first step.
I used to be like this. Just think about it this way- it is a social norm to acknowledge people. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it or what you think, it is just something you should do, like brushing your teeth or washing your hands after using the bathroom. You don’t have to engage in conversation, just say hello. “Hello!” and “Good morning!” are great ways to acknowledge someone without potentially inviting conversation with “How are you?” Just start doing it. It WILL be weird at first, but I promise you’ll like the results. People that I have practiced this on say hi to me first now sometimes- sometimes it’s people I never even have any type of conversation with- and it makes me feel really good.
ETA- being afraid to change because you’ve been a certain way for so long is understandable, but baseless. I don’t know if you’ve known anyone like this, but I have known people who were very quiet or very unattractive. These people took the plunge and started talking more or addressed their appearance. People notice it and comment on it, BUT, then they are just happy that the person aligned themselves more appropriately with social norms and welcome them into their group. Good luck to you.
Here’s the thing, you’re trying to avoid communicating. But, avoiding people and pretending to be preoccupied ALSO sends a message. Just not a good one.
As to what to say, just a smile and quick, “Hi, how are you?” is sufficient.
Are you close(r) to anyone in the group? Maybe you could tell them that you are feeling anxious about being included, so it’s making you shy away from interacting with them, but you aren’t trying to be rude. Usually there is a sort of leader to groups like that, you could even just talk to that person.
Or even text if an in person conversation seems difficult.
There is going to be an extrovert who will feel like they need to make up for your shyness and make it better. It’s what we do lol.
I may be wrong but it seems like you are operating under the idea that once you have ignored the person in the beginning, you can’t acknowledge them later once you’ve realized what you’re doing.
This is incorrect. You can always pretend not to see them at first, gather your courage, and then act as if you’ve suddenly noticed them and then say hi.
Also, this may seem too radical, but from what I’ve observed, most people are extremely understanding if you simply tell them you deal with extreme social anxiety, and are willing to meet you in the middle. If you are honest and say “sorry I didn’t say hi right away, I have social anxiety” then they are likely to be understanding and go out of their way to help you be comfortable in the future. If they don’t take it well, they’re probably not someone you want to be friends with.