the title pretty says it all, i (20F) have feelings for one of my closest friends (22M), we met a few years back by chance, i liked him from the get-go, you could call it a crush, i never told him because i sensed he might like someone else so i moved on, a few years later while i was on a break from a very abusive relationship (that he did not know of because i kept it private with me and my ex’s mutual consent to keep it down low since it was very new) he confessed about his feelings to me out of the blue, but because i was now with someone else (this was my first and only relationship) and still a mess, i told him and let him down gently, our friendship did not change, we were just as close to each other, now almost a year and half later i have feelings for my friend, and i confessed to him, only to find out he was going through a very recent breakup aswell (his first and only relationship too and he kept it private too), they broke up because of parental issues on the girls part (her parents didnt agree, chose some other guy as a potential suitor for her and she couldn’t fight them anymore, he tried to get his own parents to talk to hers but they didn’t agree since hes too young and not settled), he let me down just as gently and our friendship still remains the same, ofcourse i’m sad and i really like him, hes the kind of guy you come across once in a lifetime, i dont think i could ever find as good or better, whats more is he comes to me and talks about her, saying a part of him will always belong to her and so on and that she was “taken” from him, i really try to be there for him, as he has and as any friend would and encourage him to go out etc and hes actively trying to heal too
my point is im very lost here, i dont know what to do, it hurts to me see him sad but it also hurts me to see i’ll never find better and that someone that i like, doesnt like me back, im going back and forth on whether i should wait for him and give him space and if it works out in future to ask him out again or just move and close this chapter forever, i know that you cant put your life on hold for someone but for someone like him i could wait and its not like i’m actively dating, my friend says its a Ross and Rachel situation lol
TLDR: we both confessed to each other and wrong times and im confused on if i should close the chapter or wait
2 comments
I would get it if he was currently IN a relationship and therefore couldn’t date you as he was committed to someone else.
But he was just post-breakup and he still doesn’t want to explore anything with you? And he’s just using you as a sounding board to tell you about how much he misses his ex?
This isn’t just waiting for the “oh we’re single at the same time!” window. This is something else.
Yeaaaaaaah. Time to close this chapter. You’re simply not going to be to him what he is to you.
And really, on a practical level, the danger you have here is if you just sit here and wait until he gets over her juuuuuust enough to get with you is that if she EVER comes back into the picture, then you’re back to being in a bake-off.
It was a bad time for you before and right now it’s a bad time for him.
So, I’m thinking that for now, the two of you should just stay friends, and that you shouldn’t go out of your way to “wait” for him, and instead you should just live your life, go out, date and even enter into a relationship with someone else, if you find someone and it feels right.
You cannot look/see into the future, and since there is no guarantee that he will “come back” to you, I think that you shouldn’t “wait” much less put your life on “hold” for him, because that could end up being “time wasted”.
Looking back, you probably should have told him that you were either in or just getting out of a relationship, and this is the reason that you think that it would be best for both of you to not enter a relationship at that time, and that you would let him know when things were better/resolved, and if at that time he was still available and willing/wanting to have a relationship with you, that you would be open to seeing how/where things go.
Because by “letting him down gently” and not telling him that you were simply “not ready” or “able” to start or have a relationship with him, he probably ended up thinking that you were “friend-zoning” him, because you had no interest in dating him then or in the future. It’s actually a bit of a surprise that he stayed friends with you, because being “friend-zoned” tends to really hurt and causes relationships to change if not end.
You have the friendship, so right now I think that you should go and be a good friend to him, and be there for him when he needs you.
You also could tell/let him know that you would appreciate it if he would let you know when/if he is ready/willing to enter a relationship with you.
Do let him know that you are not going to stop your life and/to wait for him, but that you do believe that if the timing and conditions were right, that you believe that the two of you should consider giving the going out/having a romantic relationship a shot to see if things can go past just being good friends.
You might consider making a joke about “bad timing” and based on the past history, it may be awhile before the “timing” somehow works out, if at all.
You also might go ahead and consider apologizing to him for not telling him the reason why you turned him down in the past, and let him know that you wished that you had just told him, so that he would have known that it wasn’t because you were not “interested” in him in that way, but at that time, because things were a “mess” and it wouldn’t have been fair to him to start a relationship at that time under those circumstances.
Another option might be to consider an FWB type relationship, but only make this offer/suggestion if having an FWB with him is something you would be totally OK with knowing that nothing could come from it long term.
You also could suggest hanging out more, without actually “going out” or officially being together, it potentially could be more than a typical friendship, but not go as far as an FWB relationship would, and could involve more touching/closer contacts, but not anything that would reach “first base” (making out), unless the two of you both expressly agreed to take things there or farther.
But in the end you should figure out/decide what you are good with and what you thing would be best for both you and him, then communicate what you think and then see what he thinks, finally deciding together what to do.
You have to do this first and then once you know what you are willing/able to do/offer, talk with him and figure out what’s next, because this is your life and you will be the one who will have to deal/live with any outcome/consequences that end up happening.
I hope this made sense and was helpful.
Best wishes and good hope to both of you going forward.
Be strong, be safe and be well!