What was the thing that made you realize you were not dating the person you thought you were?

17 comments

1. When his 15 year old son moved out of the house I knew the alcohol use was full blown alcoholism and it was time to break it off before he took me down with him. Been single over 2 years now and feel much better.

2. When he told me that all the things we agreed to, were not things he wanted. When after 2 counseling sessions he said he didn’t want to make any changes. When he told me that he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with my daughter and grands but expected me to have a great relationship to his. So much better without him!

3. He broke his hand from punching a wall in an argument. It wasn’t with me but when I found out I knew it was going to be over soon

4. When she sent me a 3 page letter tearing me down for dating during the pandemic (we started dating during the pandemic AND she met new partners during the same time) and insulting my ex-wife and our relationship that I had told her virtually nothing about. She completely made up details that weren’t true and then eviscerated me for things that never happened.

   Broke up with her immediately. Like 2 years later when hanging out with somebody new, I found out that she had a reputation in the local poly scene for being terrible.

5. When I checked his planner and he had written a reminder to take a paternity test with a woman I had no idea about.

6. When his treatment of me completely changed when I started gaining weight due to a medical issue. He went from being caring and affectionate to being harsh, cruel, and controlling.

   He didn’t even bother to wrap it in that “It’s because I care about your health” bullshit excuse a lot of people use to dismiss their shitty “no fatties” behavior. He flat-out told me that he was ashamed to be seen with me and that I was disgusting to him. I found out later he was using it as an excuse to cheat on me with multiple women without feeling guilty about it.

7. This isn’t negative or positive, just an eye opener as to what he’s capable of as a professional.

   My husband is a private military contractor. He’s not keen on sharing the details of his work and I’m not keen on asking. Some things are better left unsaid, but I’m not naive enough to think he isn’t a dangerous and extremely capable person in a fight. Which I got a dose of a few years ago. It was like watching a world class chef cook, or an artist paint. He was totally in his element and had it completely under control. He wasn’t even breathing heavy afterwards. He just walked back in the house like he took out the trash. So I got a hit of his aggression in action from 15 feet away and I realized I’m totally safe with him, not that I doubted it, but fear is fear. All that washed away when he stood up for me. Our relationship is all the better for it if I’m being honest.

8. he swore up and down that he wasn’t a gamer, he just occasionally enjoyed playing video games. i’d made it crystal clear that i don’t date self-proclaimed gamers. and then some game he was excited for came out and he canceled time together, a date, then a hike, then a climbing date, etc to play it.

   that’s a hard pass for me, so i just ended this with him pretty immediately.

9. When I found out how much debt he had

10. It was about a month into it. And his ex-father-in-law came over to his house and accused him of having many mistresses, and for being unfair and abusive to his daughter. I remember sitting there hearing all of that… and thinking he is not the person I thought he was. I was only hearing his side of the story. But hearing him being accused of all these terrible things, I knew I was not dating who I thought

    And when he came back into the room he was angry. I could see it all over his face and his demeanor the way he clenched his hands and they shook. I legit was scared of him.

    Before that moment I thought that he was kind and caring and didn’t have an anger problem and listened to everybody and always tried to help. I literally thought that he thought of everyone else before himself. But after I heard all of what he was accused of I no longer thought that. And when all of those things came true for me as well it was quite the kick in the face.

11. Walked in on him railing someone on my couch in my apartment. Message received.

12. When he told me my interests were boring, but when introduced to them by other people, he thought they were interesting. When he infested my parents’ house with cockroaches and thought I was overreacting when I got upset. When he threw a literal child like tantrum over me not wanting to have sex with him. When his brother threatened to kill me and he didn’t do anything about it. When he spam called me and my friends 100 times because he saw a man in my Instagram stories and got jealous. When he threatened to beat my friend up because he was cyber stalking me after we had been broken up for months and saw I was at a club with said friend.

    Man just got worse and worse so many times.

13. He had a lot of ideas that he’d brag about but never took a single step into making them actually happen, like what he wanted to do for work to pay the bills. He chose to freeload off his family instead.

14. When he broke up with me only to get back with his ex-girlfriend a scant week later.

15. When he really didn’t have his shit together and was only devoted to his family. Said he was dating for marriage and was ready for something serious but didn’t act like it 😒

16. (TW:SA) When he saw me suffering from ppd and was annoyed that I wasnt feeling having sex and also because I was having a condition that made it harder for me to lubricate properly while breastfeeding, and he got frustrated and asked “so, we’ll only have sex when you want?” And made me understand that consent is an abstract concept to him.

    But it took him seggsually assaulting me for me to understand it fully and leave him.

17. When I saw that he moved on to a new woman who is the polar opposite of me. Idk what he was doing with me.