Hi all,
My husband, “Chris,” and I have been married for 12 years. We have two daughters together (6 and 4F). Chris has three children from his previous relationship (17F, 16M, 14M). Their mother is a very mentally unwell person and I have been in their lives since his oldest was 5. Their kids are low contact with their mother and spend the bulk of their time with me and Chris. I am definitely their step mother and they call me by my first name, but I love them like I do my biological daughters.
Chris’s oldest daughter, “Leah,” is a senior in high school and just got into her top college early decision. The university’s yearly tuition runs nearly 60k before piling everything else on top. To put it bluntly, Chris cannot afford that and Leah’s mother will not be helping.
I come from money, but Chris has always refused to take a cent from me or my family. My father set up trust funds for our daughters when they were infants, and Chris was furious when he found out and told me my father was never to set up trusts for his children with his first wife. His children know my parents are wealthy, but they aren’t aware that I have access to it and think we’re upper middle class. I think it comes from a place of insecurity that I have more money than him, so I never bring it up.
When Leah got into the university, she was thrilled. Chris was quick to tell her he couldn’t afford to send her there, so she would have to take out loans. Like I said, I love Leah like my own and don’t wish mountains of debt on her. I quietly told Chris that I could cover what he couldn’t afford. He said no. I told him I would loan him the money and he could pay me back and he refused. When I told him it wasn’t fair for Leah to be saddled with all that debt when there was a way out, he said he’s never taken a cent from me, won’t start now, and that it would teach her responsibility.
Personally, I think Chris is being ridiculous and immature. This is supposed to be a happy time in Leah’s life, and she’s stressing about paying off loans that she shouldn’t have to take. What do you think I should do in this situation? I’m not letting her take those loans out. Is there a way to get my husband to back down here? He’s letting his ego hurt his daughter’s future.
TL;DR: my step daughter just got into a college that my husband can’t afford and will have to take out loans. I have the means to pay for her college without loans and my husband is refusing. What should I do?
26 comments
The biggest issue here is your husband’s insecurities and inability to see you as a partnership. Even though the kids aren’t technically yours, you are his partner- what’s yours should be his and vice versa. Refusing to take money you are freely offering to him for his kid’s education is selfish and absolutely immature. So the first thing you should do is address your husband’s issues with this, as I’m certain this will come up over and over again if you don’t try now- maybe counseling? But also, please know that nearly everyone going to college these days takes out massive amounts of loans (because they have to) and it’s just a part of life at this point.
You sound like a lovely person and have really stepped up to the plate. Raising and loving those kids like your own is not always easy or natural.
I feel like it boils down to pride. It shouldn’t have to be that way. You’re in a fortunate situation where you could enable your daughter to get the education that she deserves without having to worry about starting her life in a tremendous amount of debt. Maybe suggest that she can do things to “work”/“earn” it? Maybe asking her to do some volunteer work?
Your husband also sounds like a great man and doesn’t want to be known as someone that lives off of his wife’s family’ money, which is admirable. But coming from someone that took almost 15 years to pay off student loans, I wouldn’t wish that kind of debt on anyone
You and your husband need counselling to sort this issue out ASAP.
It is just plain wrong that he is letting his child suffer because of some silly pride or apparent principle.
“He” doesn’t need to “take money” off you at all. His daughter is the one benefitting, not him.
Chris is an idiot. Yes he’s your husband but your idiot husband who doesn’t realize you two are one unit raising kids together. Financially, emotionally, physically and all the things it takes to be good parents. This isn’t a competition. You share your successes and failures. If he won’t accept it, I’ve got a kid in a top three college and would gladly and humbly accept.
I would continue to work on your husband’s pride. Especially when it comes to your kids future’s. He should be able to swallow it if for nothing else than that. In the mean time, encourage her to take the loans and go to her chosen school. You can always pay off her loans when he comes around and in the mean time she will learn the responsibility he wants to instill in her.
Is your money actually separate, as in, he has no access to it or your bank statements? If so, you could always just pay off her loans.
This is his ego talking, and he is putting his fragile pride ahead of the wellbeing of his kids. Not everyone has the luxury of having money to spare, and the luxury of a great mom like you who wants to take that burden off of the kids.
The moment they find out they could have been spared the worry and work about money but weren’t, they will be unbelievably pissed at him! Fight him on this OP, he’s being ridiculous!
Hubby can’t see the forest for the trees here. Daughter worked hard and got into a great school, you can afford to help pay for it, helping daughter and the family. Whatever his pride, jealousy issue may be he should get over it and put his child first
it’s one thing for him to refuse your money on his behalf, but to refuse on his nearly adult daughter’s is quite another. I think you and Chris need to go to counseling over this, because while this is 100% HIS problem to get over, as stepmom, you have a different role in Leah’s life. Leah is almost 18, so soon Chris will not get a say in her financial matters – I suggest you bring up in couples counseling that you will offer to “loan” her the money so it does not go through Chris at all. if you bring it up in the therapy environment, hopefully the counselor can talk Chris through his emotional reactions. ultimately, though, he is being a foolish and irresponsible parent by opting to saddle his own daughter with mountains of debt rather than get over his toxic pride. it shouldn’t even be his choice, frankly.
I think that you need to take Chris aside and show him the number of people who pay far more than the loan was originally worth, with no end in sight. I think you need to tell him that you love Leah, that she is your family, and you will not see your family suffer for no reason. Congratulations to Leah for getting into her top choice, that’s an amazing achievement.
Sidebar with Leah over coffee. “Take out the loans you need, but don’t worry about paying them off. I’ll work on it with your dad, but don’t mention it to anyone else for now.”
Worst case, you pay off her loans for her after she graduates and starts work on her own. It sounds like there’s probably not concern over a few thousand in interest.
That gives you 4 years to work through things with Chris and let’s Leah work this out. Once Leah is done with college and an adult you can have a different financial relationship with her that Chris is less involved in anyway.
Sucks to go behind your spouse’s back like this, but I can see where he’s coming from and really not wanting your family’s wealth to enter the equation at all.
Go over those numbers with him that it would actually cost his daughter over the life of the loan and ask him how he would pay for it with crappy job salaries? Everything is soooo expensive- rent, food and necessities. I only have $50000 in student loans (I lived on campus and studied abroad under all that) and that’s going to an in state college, a very affordable school and I have an okay job that pays okay money and I am barely paying the minimum and praying hard for student loan relief. If his daughter has a chance at starting life with a huge advantage, he is a fool to not give her the chance.
If he really refuse to do this I would gift her the money at the end of her college graduation. He can’t forbid you to gift her money when she’s clearly an adult.
Sr Prof here, and seen this a bit…
A. Counselling ASAP as u/tannieth noted
B. Help can also be she takes the loans, but based on performance they can be paid off early or late (usually interest free until you’re done)
C. Like B you can pay part and part is loan (which can be forgiven later)
D. You can force it, by simply sending the money to the University in her name (eminently arrangeable)
IMO some parts of B or C could work, after A, where the big part is both Chris and Leah feeling like it’s earned. Some level of loans and “skin in the game” is IMO not a bad thing.
Good luck, update us!
He is willing to let his child take on mountains of debt because of his pride? Absolutely not.
Talk privately with Leah about it. She’s going to be an adult soon, and accepting your help should be her decision.
He’s being ridiculous and would rather let his ego get in the way of his child’s education and that’s sad
INFO:
Can I ask… has your father ever been weird to Chris about money? Maybe something you might not even have heard about?
I ask, because my own father told me, not long ago, that at his wedding, my mother’s father had approached him and said, “Don’t be expecting to borrow any money from us.” Dad was gobsmacked, as he had known their family for years (they dated through high school and college), not to mention that her family was middle class at MOST. Dad had a college degree, and a well-paying job. There had never been that kind of tension before, and he never heard a word about it since. But it left Dad feeling pretty distant, and that never really healed entirely. The only thing we can think of is that Dad’s family was strictly working class; but it was a well-paying union job kind of working class, they owned a house, and multiple vehicles, horses, etc.
Honestly, probably your husband has a weird pride thing about it. But I only ask because small comments can really have an impact, and he may be thinking about strings being attached, or at least something to have lorded over him.
Don’t do this. I can easily see this turning into a divorce. Man ego is a thing, I’ve seen my own dad do shit like this. Honestly IMO, just gift them very expensive things to help (laptop, room and board, etc) or cash during the holidays and keep pushing to say you can help them… then slowly into paying more and more of it over time as he loosens up over time. He’s already resisted to it and you going behind his back is gonna ugly. The kids may start mooching and hold resentment that their half siblings are gonna be locked and loaded as well. Gl your damned if you do and damned if you don’t now.
With such little kids, you have many years of co-parenting with this man. You should be very cautious here. Why don’t you two see some counselors to talk this over? Financial counselors and relationship would both be helpful. And? Ultimately, she is legally his child, and I think you have to respect hugely the decisions he makes. And you have a lifetime with her to help her out afterwards, if you understand me.
Btw. $200k+ living expenses is more debt than I graduated with from grad school, even; it’s really an insane amount of debt. I wouldn’t have gone to a school that expensive if I had to borrow for it (I went to an instate public university). I plan on paying for my children’s undergrads but if they want a school that expensive, they better have a fucking plan. It is astronomical. I get that it’s her first choice, but I hope she has thought seriously about what degree she will get from there, what career she is interested in, and whether that debt is better invested towards graduate school. I was an English lit major, and happy with that choice, so I’m not STEM-focused the way that a lot of Reddit is, but I will say I think young prospective humanities majors are frequently under taught how much school or work experience we will need to make a solid six figure income.
Have an honest conversation is he really willing to cut off his daughters nose to spite his face?
Sounds like someone (ex-wife? your dad?) once made a comment to your husband about marrying you for your money and its become A Thing. A point of pride for him.
To you it seems obstinate and pigheaded but to him it’s about his feelings for you and that having the kids find their own solutions to money problems is important to him.
Take that with a pinch of salt but you’d be surprised how little comments from people can become hills a loved one will die on.
It’s sad that he is letting his pride and ego stand in the way of his daughter’s future. It seems like he feels emasculated that your father has money for you in the trust and he isn’t your sole provider so to speak. In the long run, his relationship will suffer with his daughter if she knows about how he does not want her to have any advantages solely because he cannot afford it.
Edit to add that it sounds like you have done wonderful with all the children growing up and showing respect towards all. Bravo!
I would point out the disparity to hubby. Does he really not see the resentment he is breeding between his three eldest and your kids together? Does he expect the eldest three to struggle by on student jobs and loans while the two youngest get handed a free education in a school of their choice? That’s a death sentence on any kind and respectful sibling relationship between the children as adults after you parents are gone. If that doesn’t sway him, I’m not sure what will.
It’s time to lay off the secret as a whole. I am sure at least the two eldest, if not all three, already know the deal with your fam. Teens aren’t stupid and don’t appreciate information being withheld. Straight talking usually goes a long way.
I think everyone here should take a step back and look at the biggest problem in this situation. The daughter wants to go to an undergraduate school that costs $60k+ per year. That is a ridiculously expensive and overvalued for an undergraduate degree.
If she finishes in 4 years, it would have a cost a MINIMUM if $240k and that is simply a waste of money.
The solution that fixes all of the problems are to go to an in-state public school and get the same college experience for a fraction of the cost.
Everyone has dream schools when they think about college. Is the major she is considering even worth spending over $300,000 including her living expenses? There is more than one great school for just about every major, I’d rather steer my step-kid to a less expensive alternative if her father won’t budge than saddle her with a lifetime of debt since so many degrees really don’t end up with huge expected salaries.
That is probably the most loving thing you can do given the current circumstances.
I sense someone is falling to all-or-nothing thinking. You can tell the husband you can pay for *some*. You can tell his daughter that she doesn’t need to worry about being drowned in debt, because there can be *some* relief.
Your husband’s resistance is emotional. He believes in self reliance and independence and he wants that for his daughter. That’s admirable but numbers are numbers and it’s basically impossible to be self reliant these days. Graduating in debt provides all sorts of perverse incentives to stick out situations both in school and afterwards that won’t really work. Financial means offer freedom and flexibility to independently determine what she wants to do and who she wants to be. As the Dixie Chicks put it: room to make the big mistakes.
The cool thing about money is that it’s divisible. You can find a sweet spot that hurts his ego less but still really helps. There can be a smaller contribution from you. There can be a smaller loan. You can engineer this how he wants it: it can teach her financial management without crushing debt.
Gift her the the money she needs as a Christmas present