Looking for some impartial advice and thoughts here. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years. We have a toddler and I’m currently pregnant with our second child. I went to the bathroom the other night and his Apple Watch was there, I went into his messages and saw he sent a contact a message that said “app”. The contact was saved with just a “.” This was the second message he sent the contact, the previous one also only said “app”.
I sent myself the phone number for the contact and looked it up online. It belongs to a woman that he is Facebook friends with and follows on Instagram. I’ve never heard of her in my life – this doesn’t mean much though, we didn’t grow up together and I am not familiar with all of his friends. Her accounts are private so I can’t see much but she appears to be single and live about 20 mins away from us.
Am I spiraling thinking the worst? Why would he have a woman’s number saved under such a vague contact name and only text her app unless they were communicating primarily through a different app? I don’t regularly have access to his phone so I’m not sure how (or what) to even check next. I don’t want to approach him without proof because if he is cheating he can delete stuff. I just don’t know what to do.
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My best suggestion is to ask him to go to couples counseling with you. If you don’t want to say that you suspect him of cheating just say you feel you need some help adjusting to your new family size, technically that is true you’re just leaving out the bit where you think he’s cheating.
Why’d you instantly go into his messages when you saw his Apple Watch unattended? Has he been shady before?
It’s certainly suspicious, but not everybody doing anything suspicious is guilty.
(Also you can’t tell that somebody is single from the few photos you can see from a locked-down app. Also, married people also cheat.)
There’s a Ted Lasso line which I think is really helpful: be curious, not judgmental.
When you say, “I need to find proof” you’ve decided that he’s already cheating (judgement!) and are trying to lock it down.
Instead, ask him. “Hey, who is so-and-so?” Not because you think you’ve found proof of cheating but because he evidently has a friend that you’ve never heard of.
Just tell him the truth, or, close enough to it. (If you want honesty in a relationship, you can’t really get it by lying). “Hey, I was messing around with your phone and stumbled across this message. Who is so-and-so?”
If he flies off the handle, LET HIM. Don’t get defensive. “You’re right, I guess I snooped, and I shouldn’t have. That was wrong of me and I apologize. Now who is so-and-so?”
Also be aware that there’s is lots of space between “old friend who I saved weirdly in my phone for some dumb reason” and “someone I’m cheating with.” Don’t even assume that some dishonestly or obfuscation on his part means that there was a full-blown affair – which doesn’t make it okay, but again, curious, not judgmental. You’re not leaping to conclusions. You’re gathering information.
The “app” message might be his way of letting her know that he has sent her a message on whatever chat app they are using. You could always message or phone her, from his phone, if you manage to get access to it or from your own phone, saying that he has confessed and you want to hear her side of the story. But this is the nuclear method of dealing with the situation- there is no going back.
It’s suspicious, but not conclusive. He *probably* saved that number that way to conceal who it is. As to why he’d text “app”, I have no idea. Here’s what I’d do…
Just ask him, and be prepared with an apology. “Hey babe, pregnancy brain, I’m sorry, but I went through your messages. Can you explain what this is?” He doesn’t need to know right away that you tracked the number down. If he gives you an explanation that doesn’t make sense with what you already know, call that out. “Well that doesn’t make sense, because I know the number belongs to this chick.”, and just see what he says. If he gets nervous, or angry, or starts talking in circles, ask to see the IG messages. Not hang on a sec, not after he goes to the bathroom, right then and there. That’ll tell you everything you need to know.
Bit again, be prepared with an apology. Because it could be totally innocent, and if so, you were in the wrong.
Also, personally I’d love an update from the conversation. “App”? That’s a head scratcher.
You need to ask him
You cannot do this to yourself. But he prepared for the worst scenario
Flat out – the contact name, the weird text messages, and the fact that it’s a woman not far away.. what do you think? I’d like to give the benefit of doubt as others have, but the writing is on the wall here. I bet if you found the app they communicate on, you’d have your proof.