He’s genuinely the most hateful person I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting, and the only reason he’s even remotely in my life at all is because other family members insist on inviting him to gatherings (“you never turn on blood” is an old family saying for us).
My parents are getting ready to have to family over for thanksgiving, him included, and he had the audacity to post on his fb that “a civilized society exterminates vermin,” and went on to say “we should be happy it was a bunch of useless f**s instead of people who matter” in response to the shooting.
He knows I’m gay and he claims he doesn’t care because, and I’m not kidding, I’m apparently “one of the good ones” to him. Probably because I’m well off and my partner is also well off.
My parents are livid at him but we all know for a fact if they tried to uninvite him he’d ignore it and come anyway, because that’s happened before, and the rest of the family will ask why we’re making a stink about it and bring up the classic “we don’t turn on blood.” Apart from my parents, I would not be offered the same defense if the roles were reversed, go figure.
So. What do I do?
Edit: I know throwing money at the problem isn’t gonna help nor earn me the basic juman respect from my family that I deserve, but it was nice to pretend and feel a taste of that. But I gotta stop pretending, I guess. I’ll speak with my accountant after the holiday.
Edit 2: to confirm, I put my foot down with my parents so they invited me to stay with them for the holiday and no one else is invited. If the other family tries to come, the police will be called.
Thank you to everyone. I will mostly stop responding to comments now. But please, understand that decisions like this are almost never easy and to be gracious to people who need time to come around to making a decision as difficult as cutting blood relatives out of your life. It is never easy to admit that part of the stock you come from is rotten.
41 comments
Go NC and don’t look back. Anyone celebrating a shooter is a POS and needs to be ignored permanently
You absolutely turn on nazis. If your parents refuse to uninvite this homophobic nazi to Thanksgiving, then protect yourself and your partner (mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically) by not attending. Ignore their “we don’t turn on blood” plea. That’s gas lighting and quite manipulative. Your family members need to rethink their priorities and morals.
Can you report this behavior to someone? This person sounds dangerous
Don’t attend. Walk away from this abhorrent behavior, and by abhorrent behavior, I mean hosting Nazis. Don’t normalize this by enabling the enablers.
Tell your family you’re cancelling your plans and also them. And make sure you tell them every single reason before you block them especially your asshole cousin.
I spent part of my childhood in Colorado Springs (dad was canadian airforce) and am an out lesbian since 1996, reading about what happened made my blood boil.
Yeah just don’t go
Don’t go ❤
I feel for you. Yes, some of the early comments say ‘go no contact’, or ‘refuse to attend’, but they wouldn’t have to live with the fallout if you do that.
The problem is this ‘you never turn on blood’ mantra. The difficult thing is that we don’t choose our family, and for a lot of us that means that we have a biological bond with family members but can be total opposites when it comes to our values.
Unfortunately, it puts you in a horrible position. You either ‘turn on blood’ by refusing to attend, which might see family members inadvertently side with the extremist over the nice person, or you attend and feel like you are enabling the hatred.
If you do feel like you must attend, it should probably be conditional on him keeping his stupid opinions to himself, otherwise someone will need to leave.
Based on your responses to people here you are just enabling him drop him and the rest of your family who stick up for him, he is literally spewing nazi level propaganda, you either go full attack mode at thanksgiving or don’t show up there is no in between in this scenario
You leave Thanksgiving. Go somewhere else. Let your whole family know you refuse to be in the presence of someone who endorses slaughtering gay people. They can either have you or to fucker who is happy about a mass shooting. Stand your ground.
Wait, you are not supposed to turn on blood but he can turn on you ans say bigoted things and it ok… are you not blood?
“Oh, but you are different, one of the good ones…”
What level of BS excuse is that? Realize that your family has made him a priority over you and let them know how that makes you feel. Then be all like, I thought blood never turns on blood unless your cosin X and then you can turn on blood. And blood will back him up and turn on you too!
oh the classic fuck the minorities “but you’re one of the good ones” to make them feel less racist .. you’re no different than any other gay person. He just has stereotypes and racism and hatred. He knows you and likes you and you’re related and happen to be gay .. being gay, or any other thing like religion, sex, race aren’t real reasons to not like people other than the fact that they were manipulated and very uneducated as a child on the topics that are now ingrained in their unconscious parts of the mind.
You do turn on bad blood. Make that your saying.
Good lord. Tell your cousin you never want to see him again, then let the rest of the family know. The suggestion to host your own holiday dinners is a sound one.
If your parents can’t stand up to a Nazi cause FaMiLy you have bigger problems. I wouldn’t be going to thanksgiving. I would be with friends or out at a restaurant. You don’t subject people you love to people who hate their existence. Period.
Every time he spouts his hate, ask your family “why do you allow hate in this house”? IF he changes, it’s not likely to be because you are the magical Gay who shows him the error of his thinking, but because your community articulates its values and shows him how his thinking hurts others and degrades him. Someone he respects in the family needs to find out why he nourishes hate and anger., when he’d be a lot happier if he spent less time focusing on hating difference. While he might think you are one of the “good ones,” (what even does that mean?) the nazis and bigots he supports wont make such distinctions when they come across you on a dark street or blow up a nightclub.
I’m always shocked that people only articulate the acceptance part of family and not the part where family helps instill values.
You can’t control other people but you can control yourself. Don’t go. You must have a friend who would take you in for dinner?
How about you separate yourself from your toxic family ad a whole and live your life? I promise you that you will be a lot happier.
Tell your parents this German saying:
Ten people are sitting at a table. A Nazi sits down with them. What do you have now?
Eleven Nazis.
Silence is consent when it comes to hateful ideologies. You do not recognize this bigot as blood and will not recognize anyone else who does.
He’s a psycho and needs psychological help. I would not support or enable that kind of behaviors.
If you feel you must be there, try the “what do you mean by that” and “why do you feel that way” approach. Just let him go on and on and on without confronting him. The key is not reacting when you want to punch him in the mouth. Even the most obtuse jerk will realize how stupid he sounds and fizzle out to silence. At least I hope so, and you get some peace.
He is hateful and toxic. Younl should cut him out. Good people don’t say that about others. The family blood thing is complete bs. If anything encites a change, it’ll be his loved ones responding to his behavior by not having ties to a bigot.
Seems like he’s the one turning on family to me.
Press him and keep bringing up the shooting have him say that out loud at the dinner table most likely it should abhor the family and they would make him leave
I don’t really have any advice, but if they “don’t turn on blood” what are they doing to you by tolerating this POS?
They uninvite him, and call police if he shows up. End of story.
Get a pair of sturdy steel toe capped boots, and introduce them to your cousin’s testicles repeatedly. When he starts crying in pain, tell him that a civilised society exterminates vermin like him.
Or, you know, don’t go and make it publicly very clear that you’re not going because they’ve invited someone who has publicly called for your extermination.
Report him to the FBI.
There has to be a certain point where you and your parents say enough is enough and just celebrate things alone instead of with people enabling that jackass’s behavior
Your cousin sounds a bit unhinged. He’s entitled to his own nonsense opinions, but he needs to keep that crap to himself. Uninviting him to dinner sends the strongest message. There’s no need to subject yourselves to spending time around such an unpleasant person.
If he does end up coming to dinner, everytime he says something stupid, just ignore him. A nonresponsive audience will take the wind out of his sails.
Hello OP. I’m a bisexual mom with one gender non-conforming kid (who is engaged to a transitioning female) and a gay one with my husband. By letting them in the family is most definitely “turning on blood.” YOU ARE BLOOD TOO.
Good luck and I hope your parents stick up for you. If you are in Maryland and need a place to hang out for the Holidays you are always welcome at our holiday.
Report him to Facebook and everywhere. Contact local police non emergency. Inform the detectives of his post. Also FBI.
Pat him on the head like a precocious child, look at him with pity and tell him that you hope he grows out of his ignorance cause he’s family and you want him to be well.
You explain to your parents what going “no contact” means, and tell them that if they continue defending him, they are just as bad and you will go no contact with them as well
I would challenge each and every hateful comment he makes. Tell him he’s a hater, racist, etc. It will wreck the dinner but he deserves it. Your family will be upset but you need to tell your family that “blood” isn’t an excuse for being a hateful piece of crap.
If you don’t want to do that, don’t go to dinner and tell your parents why you aren’t coming. They can have you or the cousin, not both.
I am sorry you have to deal with this BS. What a freaking loser POS he is.
I wouldn’t go to TG or any other event at which he is present.
Good luck.
Don’t go. Tell your parents your content to spend holidays with them, but after the recent events that you aren’t comfortable being around someone who advocates for the death of people LIKE THEIR OWN CHILD.
Your whole family is disgusting.
They allow this behavior and ignore it.
When he shoots up a bus or school theyll all say they we don’t know why he did that, he was a really good guy.
F that and F him
There are 5 options in my opinion… 1 go in full guns blazing, ready in a fight. 2. You go in and ignore everything he says even if it’s directly at you and you say that you are tired of this argument. And you both will obviously never see eye to eye. And therefore you are agreeing to disagree. 3. You bring like card games for distraction and make a new tradition because then everyone is distracted. 4. Have your parents make a sign on the door that when entering this house you are choosing to be respectful of all. And any LGBTQ slurs or politics will not be tolerated. Something about it being in writing sometimes helps. Or 5 don’t go.
I also want to add to the other comments by saying that you should plan to do something special on Thanksgiving. A backup plan that will help you not feel sad in the case that your family invited him anyway.
Your family are shitty people. If there would really be a fuss about disinviting him then you shouldn’t go and make your parents make a real choice. It shouldn’t this hard.
Also he just shows up? Why do they let him in? If I don’t want someone at my house, they won’t be at my house. You could go the route of calling the cops when he gets there and telling them he’s trespassing.
The best tolerance for these people is none, don’t take the bs, don’t respond to them, block them and avoid them if you can, but in this situation show him he’s not welcome.