Can Someone Describe the Dating Process to Me?

4 comments

1. In case you go to therapy maybe they can give you some clues and guidelines.

   Maybe reading something related? Because each couple is different so there’s no steps to follow… It’s more intuition and enjoying each other’s company.

2. You look at a girl from head to toe and decide if you are attracted to her or not. If you are, great! Move to step two. If not keep looking for other women.

   Step two, all you know about this woman is that she is attractive to you, nothing else. So now you have to go over and find out if she’s interesting and also interested. Move to step three.

   Step three, talk to woman, be flirtatious, be direct, see if you like her and if she’s interesting to you. If yes, move to step four. If not go look for other women.

   Step four, tell her that you’ve enjoyed talking to her and would like to get to know her better over a drink. Take her number so you can call her tomorrow. Tell her you will be doing this. If she does it enthusiastically move to step five. If she refuses or gives you anything but an enthusiastic reaction, go look for other women.

   Step five, call said woman a day later or text her and say “Hey, it’s Bob from last night. Let’s go out this Thursday. Is 7pm okay?” You may go back and forth on time and date but once it is set, tell her where to meet you or offer to pick her up. Needless to say, have a place picked out. I prefer intimate cocktail lounges where you can get to know each other over a drink without having to scream at the top of your lungs over loud music. If she agrees, go to step six. If she gives you some kind of excuse that she can’t that night and that she is in the middle of exams and doesn’t have the time, go look for other women.

   Step six, shit, shower and shave. Show up at date smelling good. Order drinks. Talk. Get to know each other. Connect. Instead of asking her what did you go to school for, ask her why did you choose this major? If she tells you about her family, ask her if family is important to her and why. Ask the deeper questions so you can understanding why she is the way she is. That’s how you connect. All throughout the date, you also want to make sure that you are still interested in her. So make sure you ask her the type of questions you want to know the answers to. End date early and move to step seven.

   Step seven. Ending a date early helps your leave her wanting more. At this point you can decide whether you want to kiss her or wait for another time. If all has gone well, she may want to have sex wjth you that night or she may want to wait. Tell her you enjoyed your time with her and will be in touch soon. Go to step eight.

   Step eight, after the date, refrain from communicating for a few days. Get busy and do something. Don’t spend your time thinking about her. Don’t start texting her day and night and killing all the tension and excitement. Women want someone who is a challenge and if you are too easy, they will lose interest. So adopt the attitude of “I don’t know if I like her yet. I need more time to find out”.

   Last step, you need to decide if you will keep going out on dates or if you will o bite her over to your place for takeout and a movie and some sex of course. Needless to say, if she doesn’t respond, is reluctant or otherwise unenthusiastic, you are to cease communications wjth her immediately and go find out her women.

3. I’m sorry to break it to you but there really are no hard and fast rules when it comes to dating. A lot is going to depend on the preferences of the person you’re trying to date.

   > How long are you supposed to talk to and get to know someone before asking them out?

   As a general rule of thumb I’d say maybe two weeks, but no more than a month. Any longer than that and most people would assume you’re just being friendly.

   > What is the etiquette after dates?

   Typically a text or call in the next couple of days to say that you had a nice time and would like to see them again (or to let them down gently if you don’t want to see them again).

   > How do you build a connection?

   This is going to vary wildly, and I can’t really help you with this. It’s all going to depend on how well you get along with the other person, how much you have in common and how much you like each other. All I can say here is that if you or your dating partner are not feeling it, don’t try to force it. It’s better to end things on good terms than to try to force feelings to happen.

   Dating is by nature full of uncertainty and there’s always the possibility that things aren’t going to work out like you hoped even if you do everything “right”. You have to be willing to take the risk, and not put too much weight on any individual date or person until you’re reasonably sure it’s going to stick.

4. I’m not autistic but I will try to explain the best that I can

   Hmmm… I understand that “it depends” doesn’t really help but it really does depend on the person. Pretty much everyone is a bit different and has their own personal process. Again, not only can it vary from person to person but it can also vary with a person from one point in time compared to another moment in the futur. Still, there are some general steps and trics that can help if understoods.

   First off, you already made the first move (i.e. step #1). You know you want to date. You also know that you want to date a women. Now, you have to follow up on that with some thinking about what would your ideal partner be. It’s not only about what physical traits she has. Actually, it’s mainly about other things like emotional, mental or even spiritual traits. Here are a few examples of questions : what kind of person is your ideal partner? Does she laught a lot? Is she introverted or extraverted or a bit of both? What are the most important [love languages](https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/the-5-love-languages-how-to-show-love-to-your-partner/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_c&utm_term=PerformanceMax&utm_content=&network=x&placement=&target=&matchtype=&utm_campaign=17990185911&ad_type=responsive_pmax&adposition=&gclid=Cj0KCQiAveebBhD_ARIsAFaAvrEaScIHsTYybXmpT0S85ppb_XPIgbleNFKENhz-X2aw5takMD1Zp5IaAtYiEALw_wcB) for you ? Do you need someone that spends a lot of time with you or not? Do you want a family? What activities that you would love to do with a partner? Does she understands what autistism is and if not is she open to learn? What kind of lifestyle do you want? Do you want to live in the city or outside the city? Does she need to be of a certain religion? Etc. The general idea here is to find what kind of partner you want and what you value in a partner. You will never find a perfect match. It only exist in fantasy books and in movies. Also, people change. Will all do. So it’s possible that you will find someone that you love but they will change over time. Building a relationship is also, to some extent, about learning to love our partner over and over again even tho they did change.

   Step #2. Finding a partner means you need to meet people. A good starter trick to meet someone that can help you is tell the people, your social circle (i.e. family friends and work colleagues) , that you would love to find a partner and be in a relationship. They may help you in many ways. Also, I don’t know where you live but it pretty common in cities to have a community center or organisations that organize events for autistic people (if not you can organize one). I’m not suggesting here that you must find a partner that is also autistic. It’s just one option of many. It’s a option that can have advantages like a partner that really understands being autistic means. Other than that, you can try dating apps. Using dating apps to meet someone can be somewhat hard because the way they fonction is more meant to make money than really helping someone find a good partner. In certain dating apps, there is also a pretty big toxic culture already etablished so, for example, I would stay away from tinder. Other than that, forums about topics that interest can also be a place worth investigating. You just have to participate in the forum and if you see a comment or a post that you like you can try to send a message to that person. If you and that person click while chatting, you can try to ask to see each in real life. Again, other than that, you can join group centered around a specific activity that you love. Same as the forum, if you see someone that seems interesting, you can go and talk to them.

   Step #3 So you met someone new and they are in front of you. You usually don’t ask someone out right from the start. Atleast, it shouldn’t be the first thing to ask when you meet someone new. It’s not a question of time (i.e. minutes or hours or days) It’s more a question of if you feel comfortable enough with that person. Some people like to chat a lot, for weeks before going out on a first date. Others, take 5 minutes to ask someone out on the first date. It’s a question a comfort. Are you comfortable enough and are interested enough in that person to spend some more time with? Again, a first date isn’t necessarily something that last for hours. A lot of first dates now are called coffee dates. They last the lenght of time to drink a coffee (can be any drink) which is enough to see if you appreciate the person enough for a longer date. The date doesn’t have to finish when you drank your drink but it can give a good excuses if you want it to be over. The short lenght of coffee dates is advantageous because it isn’t a big investment. At the end of the coffee date, you said if you liked it and if you would like another date, possibly a longer one.

   Step #4 Now, you are potentially at your first date, first coffee date, first what ever you both wanted to do. With the first date, you have to see if you are both compatible, that you both want the same thing (refer to step #1). Even tho you and her may want a relationship, that doesn’t mean you are both compatible enough to be in a relationship with one another. Usually, the first few dates are mainly meant to see if both have basic compatibilty. It’s also a question of chemistry meaning that you are not only both attracted physically to one another but also that you have chemistry in the way you both communicate. For example, every relationship is different but think of close friends. They usually have good chemistry. To see if you both have good chemistry and especially to see if you are both compatible, you talk with one another. Meeting people means sharing about our lives and listening to the person we are with. I know you are autistic and understanding subtleties of communication can be hard but I garantee that a lot of people, even neurotypical people are often pretty bad communicators. A good communicator, first, listens to what the person is saying; second, acknowledges what that person said; third, reacts to what has been said by maybe expressing a opinion or a emotion; forth and finally, adds to the conversation by either continuing the topic or giving a new topic. When we are with a friend that we’ve knowed for a long time or family member that we are close too, we tend to do theses four communications step naturally. When we meet someone new, it’s a lot harder. People tend to be shy, especially if that person is introverted. Still, we all need to power thru in the conversation with new people because that is the only way to form a bond. It’s even more important if we aim to build a relationship. After the first date, you check with yourself if you are interested in that person. What are her qualities and her flaws? Could she be a good friend? If you find that person interesting and you would like to go on another date, you ask and if she accepts you go on another date. In these dates, it’s important to express what you want in life. It’s also very important to have fun and enjoy a good time.

   Step #4. When does the relationship start? That’s a hard question to answer. Like I expressed in step #3, you share with a person and they share with you. You have had a good time. If both like the other, you continue going on dates with one another. Again, the idea is to form a loving bond with someone. It can take time. Usually, there is a period of time (it varies a lot from person to person) where you go on dates with the same person but it’s not official if you are in a relationship or not yet. If you feel you want to be in a relationship with that person, you ask her about it. You talk. Communication is key to all relationships but especially the ones you want to form with a life-long partner.

   Hope that my description helps you better understand.