Hi Reddit,
I’ve been in a relationship with her since Feb 2021, and over this time period, I’ve come to learn a lot about me, her and also the other way around. We’ve had the typical relationship in that we were very in love at the beginning, lots of activities together, lots of arguments also, and that slowly started to dwindle down, as expected. However I continue to love her and she claims to love me as well, but the problem is I just don’t think love is enough anymore.
We’re very different personality-wise and our interests are also quite different.
I am more introverted, like to keep to myself, I am very direct, I like making plans and I like sticking to plans. I am well organized, and try to save as I do not earn a crazy salary. Sex and intimacy are also very important to me.
She on the other hand, is very outgoing, does not like plans, and generally does not ‘stand by her word because that’s a sad way to live’. She’s spontaneous and does not impose limits on herself.
I’m interested in history, humanities, outdoor activities, road trips, learning about stuff, and I am perfectly content and happy simply sitting at my computer to watch some entertainment on a Saturday evening.
She likes arts and crafts, socializing, partying, drinking, building relationships, pursuing her passion (cooking) etc.
There are way too many differences in thinking to list here, however the point is, we’ve both tried to do activities together – I’ve come out of my comfort zone many times to go out clubbing and drinking (which I absolutely hate), and socialized once I got to know those people – but she says it is still not enough and for long term it won’t work unless I make more changes towards my behaviour. I tried explaining to her that people should accept each other for who they are if they really love each other, and not expect things from their SO as that gets frustrating real fast, but she does not agree. In addition, whenever I try to communicate our issues, she gets annoyed saying this is a repeating trend and nothing ever changes and then proceeds to end our conversation.
I have really tried to make this work but I feel like I’m at the end of the line and I do not want to continue in a relationship where we’re just pretending to care for each other and hope for the best… Am I looking at it the wrong way, am I just too categorical, too strict, too dramatic?
TL;DR: I think me and my girlfriend are way too different to make it work long term; it seems opposites attract, but don’t hold.
4 comments
You’re not being too dramatic, you’re just not compatible. If your girlfriend only wants to date the person she wants you to transform into, she’s not all that bothered about who you currently are. Breaking up is the right decision.
>but she says it is still not enough and for long term it won’t work unless I make more changes towards my behaviour
It sounds like there’s a real imbalance in your relationship, and most of the pressure is on you to meet her demands.
>generally does not ‘stand by her word because that’s a sad way to live’
I don’t want to be presumptuous, but this sounds like a flimsy justification for not holding herself accountable for her promises.
Overall it sounds like you’re working much harder than she is in the relationship and she still wants more; I think your judgment is correct and she’s not the best person for you.
Good luck out there OP, I know you’ll be able to find someone more compatible and better suited to meeting you where you are.
There is nothing wrong with partners being very different from each other, as long as morals and life goals align.
There is a problem with your girlfriend expecting you to change who you are fundamentally. The “Issues” she says you guys have is just her issue with you not being who she expects you to be.
You will find someone who accepts you and allows you to be your own person
Hey wow, this is the first post on reddit where I feel that me commenting makes sense. I’m on mobile and english is not my first language, so please excuse all of my errors.
I was in the exact same situation as you are right now. We met in December 2020 and broke up early January this year. We had very high highs and very low lows, but in the end we decided to part ways. Our personalities can be described just the way you did in your post. Me, being rather introverted, with more intellectual and artsy interests, and the rather quiet type. Her, being the heavily extraverted, very social, stimulus seeking kind of type.
From the very beginning these differences were obvious for both of us, but when in love, those things seem bearable or even interestingly new, broadening horizons. But soon I felt like I needed to adapt to her needs in order for her to feel good. I found it less difficult to deal with her personality traits and accept them. She used to tell me how it makes her uncomfortable and feel like I’m in a bad mood whenever I was just quiet/silent, enjoying the moment. Even after explaining the situation to her multiple times she never really got it. This led me to feeling stressed in certain situations since I felt the obligation to engage in conversation and provide some sort of stimulus all the time, if I don’t want her ro feel bad. This didn’t happen overnight, it was a slower process.
On the other hand I also had some difficulties with things she used to do or say, I think it had similar effects on her. Anyway, we started to reflect on those things and made plans on how we either adapt our behaviour or adapt our reactions and thought patterns to certain behaviour or meet somewhere in the middle. We mapped out concrete things for each of us to work on and things we can say or do in different situations, and from my point of view it seems to work.
One day we had another fight though and it was about something that we also fought about early on in our relationship. I was thinking and thinking about how it could be that we were fighting about the same shit again, after all the work thaz we have done. I looked at what my part in this argument was, what I could have said or done differently, according to our plan and what we have learned in the past. I asked her what I could have done differently. And then it dawned on both of us, that during all this time, she actually wasn’t able to implement anything of the stuff she herself came up with and agreed to. All this time I was the only one making changes and adaptions.
I am telling you all this, because I have the feeling that you might be in a similar situation where you are expected to adapt more to her needs than vice versa. And this is a HEAVY imbalance. I still believe than incompatabilities don’t beed to be a death sentence for a relationship, as long as both parties acknowledge them and accept that if they want to be together nonetheless, it may need a bit more work and comminication. I am also still convinced that we could’ve been happy. But she herself in the end confessed that she feels not mature enough to work that hard in a relationship and she wants a partner where things just “fall into place”. I wish her all the best in the pursuit of something like that, but even the best relationship needs work and compromise.
And if your girlfriend is similar to my ex, I need to tell you that, in my opinion, you shouldn’t feel like you need to be a different kind of person in order to make someone happy. And also the other way around. Of course some adaptions here and there are needed, but your core personality shouldn’t be annoying or “in the way” of your SOs happiness or image of a fulfilling relationship. If you feel stressed to be someone you are not ALL OF THE TIME than thats a big no no for me. Especially if it only goes one way. If she at least shows the same effort do adapt to your needs I might feel some empathy for her, but it seems like she demands that you change a big portion of your personality without considering that she could also make some changes or focus on the benefits of you being the way you are. People usually get annoyed by personality traits they are initially attracted to. One can observe that quite often.
One important trick in every relationship is to see those annoying things in the light of when we were first drawn to that person.
I don’t really want to tell you what to do, you know more about your own situation. I only hope that my two cents may help you to come to a conclusion you feel good with.
I wish you all the best and I would really like to read an update on that! Take care.