So I’ve been living with my bf for close to 3 years now. I will be 26 in a couple weeks. Things have gotten strained-ish between me and his mom, but not really on purpose. I live with my bf who owns the house we live in currently. He has paid for this house, NOT his mom. His mom lives in her own house about 20 mins away.
She used to come over kind of regularly like once every few weeks or so – and we’d also meet up with her ON top of that, but she has since stopped coming over after one of the last times she came over about a year ago and I had a panic attack/ triggered flashback. I had a rough childhood and endured many years of verbal and emotional abuse. The last time she was here that triggered this: she would not stop cleaning and complaining about how dirty the house is.
I’m not just saying this because I live here but: The house is fine. She was looking at things such as: dust above the fire mantle, dust on the blinds and window sill, how clean the toilets are BUT NOT the bowl that is OFC clean, but UNDERNEATH the rim where the water comes out of the toilet…
My bf repeatedly told her to please sit down, but she didn’t and it caused an awkward argument between them while I had to sit there and be neutral. After she left, I just broke down a couple hours later due to how stressful it was for so long because she was here for hours. I’ve explained to my bf that it’s not really his mom, it’s me. **that due to my past experiences, I do have problems that include literally having flashbacks due to ptsd from an abusive childhood. I’m actively trying to find healthy coping skills and being able to handle stress and triggers, and one of the ways I can achieve that is by avoiding KNOWN triggers until I have better skills** aka his mom.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t help that his mom is… negative. As a human being. When we go over to spend time with her because she will text my bf saying she’s ‘sad and lonely we don’t let her come over’, even though we have offered MANY times to do other things in neutral places or at HER house, she either declines because she’s busy or doesn’t want to. When we do hang out, she will complain about so many things including my bf’s weight (he is overweight) and she will make many rude comments about it and it’s just extremely uncomfortable for me. She does it because she thinks it will ‘motivate’ him when in reality it’s making everyone uncomfortable. She complains about everything, and she could be joking to an extent but honestly it’s just… I’d rather not be around her since that’s her core personality.
She’s kind of crude and often privately makes judgmental remarks about how someone is fat/ eats too much, stupid, etc. I’m sorry but I just don’t want to hear it. It could be a totally normal person who has done nothing wrong to offend – IE a store employee – and she will still say that in private if she thinks it.
Or when we make plans to hang out BECAUSE she has said she’s lonely (she is divorced and living alone) she constantly complains and wants us to leave!
I feel bad because my bf has said he and his mom would like if I made more of an effort to have a relationship with her and he has said ‘don’t take this in a bad way, but you are standoffish’ to which I responded: yes, and I’m fine with that.
Honestly at this point, I’m considering moving out and going back to apartment living because I almost can’t handle the stress of knowing 1) she’s coming over and complaining the entire time she’s here and actively inspecting the house for small things that are dirty 2) or I leave the house because she’s coming over which would just strain the relationship even more.
She also has no communication skills so trying to talk to her about serious matters and she will completely shut down and say ‘okay whatever’.
Like I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do anymore. Im at the point of my life where I am prioritizing MY mental health progress / recovery and my mental well-being in general, but it’s also coming at a cost of my bf’s mom’s relationship with me.
11 comments
Tell your bf that the day he starts shutting her down and defending you when she criticises you and your housekeeping is the day you will start being at home when she calls.
That’s your boundary.
this is where the bf needs to step up.
I dont know if you’ve not been clear or you have and he’s not been listening… but you’re probably going to have to do something a touch uncomfortable to break everyone out of their current routines.
you should share all of the above with him, sparing absolutely no detail whatsoever. then let him know that you’re simply not going to be around her while she’s like this. and since you shouldn’t ever have to feel that way in your own home, you have been contemplating moving out.
hopefully the underlying message is made clear to him– you moving out and you being able to be around his mom exactly 0% of the time doesn’t bode well for the health of the relationship.
hopefully he realises he has to rein his mom in, or else he could lose the love of his life.
meanwhile, you might also speak with a professional about developing healthy mechanisms for combating her bs, and getting beyond your own trauma.
Your bf’s mom sounds like who my mom would be if she had a son & I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with her. The negativity is so draining. It’s hard to see an older person who is sad and lonely but not able to understand how it’s the result of their own personality. The worst part of your scenario is that your bf wants you to have a relationship with his mom but the relationship is supposed to be between you and him – mom needs to butt out. I advise couples counseling to work on communication and building boundaries. I’d give your bf the benefit of a doubt that he is lost in her point of view but if given a chance, could see the truth of the matter, which is that mom has been overstepping boundaries. If he can’t understand then you’ll have to do what is best for yourself to ensure your emotional safety.
Your house your rules. It’s you boyfriend’s responsibility to handle his mother properly and put her in her place if she can’t be respectful. Until that happens, if I were you, I wouldn’t take any nonsense from her. But it sounds like you really have a boyfriend problem, and that’s what you need to address. Either he mans up and properly enforce the boundaries, or it’s just not going to work.
Sounds like he’s still very much stuck in his own cycle of trauma with an abusive mom. I don’t know that he’s currently capable of standing up to her, overbearing parents are a complicated & misguided nurses can be some of the worse – they know everything. Allegedly.
I’ve had numerous conversations with family in terms of shutting down those unsolicited body conversations. ‘Good thing it’s not your body.. Wow, that was unnecessary & judgemental.. Who asked though.. Stop projecting.. etc.
Granted, they triggered plenty of arguments in the past, but in hindsight.. so what? The personality type that is fine making everyone uncomfortable rarely gets called out, so pass the burden back to them.
If your coping is struggling under her, prioritize finding a new therapist – knowing that it’s normal to have to cycle through a few to find the right fit. Your mental wellness is worth it & so are you.
BF would probably benefit from the same, because an abusive/lonely parent takes the best of us for a loop. He doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment (from anyone) & getting comfortable with various boundaries for his life are the stepping stones to better confidence & communication.
I’d have a conversation with him, a final push. Don’t make light of his mother’s actions & words. The public humiliation, the psychological & verbal abuse.. call it what it is. He deserves better & so do you. Avoidance without change/consequence is just putting off the inevitable.
Boundaries with mom may look like enforcement, if you’re out to eat.. as soon as she speaks inappropriately, the outing is over. Until she can act like an appropriate guest, she doesn’t get to visit. He will likely have to curb his communication with her, leave her on read/return a call only when he has the spoons to respond with boundaries at the ready.
No easy answers, as all of them come with some sort of conflict attached. At the end of the day you deserve peace of mind & I hope you find a way that works.
“Clean up or shut up. Here are the cleaning supplies, and there is the front door. You choose. But we are done listening to you criticize us.”
Start complaining back. Your boyfriend needs a backbone. Otherwise she doesn’t need to visit your house.
He can go visit her house. Or you can both go to her house and you can bring a white glove and look for dust and dirt all over and throw a HUGE fit about how nasty her house is. And then ask her how she likes it.
How old is your BF.
Time your BF realised he has grown up and is a man not a boy, has his own place and has chosen to be in a relationship with you and to share his home with you.
Regardless of her being your BF’s mother this is a very unpleasant game playing woman who is seeking to drive you away so she can use her son as a crutch to offset the loneliness she has undoubtedly created by her behaviour
In his place, regardless of your background and regardless of her being my mother I would very directly even somewhat aggressively point tell this unpleasant game playing woman that it is none of her business whether or not something in my house is dirty and that if she mentions it ever again I would ask her to leave. Interestingly I had a good relationship with my mother and it was she who taught me not to stand for what is clearly a combination of bullying, emotional blackmail and guilt tripping
It is clear that it is not you who needs to ‘make and effort’ it is your BF who needs to man up and put his mother in her place. If he is too spineless to do it dump him and move on and out, don’t threaten just act -then he can enjoy his mothers company and she won’t be lonely and perhaps he will realise that he has to be in charge of his own life and be prepared to back his choices with actions
None of this is your fault. It’s not really even his Mom’s fault. It’s HIS fault. It’s his responsibility to wrangle HIS Mom. It’s his responsibility to set boundaries and to tell her she is completely out of line commenting about the cleanliness of your house. He is the one who should be protecting you and your relationship. And he’s just not. Not at all.
I think you are doing the right thing in protecting you own mental health. Moving into your own place sounds like the healthy thing to do for yourself right now.
Can you see yourself having children with him? Your children will see how grandma treats mom and dad and dad lets it happen. You are not going to change her and you are not going to change him. So do what needs to be done to protect yourself and your mental health. If that means moving out then thats what it means. If he truly loves you he will take a look at what caused you to move and hopefully make changes. But if he doesn’t then you know he never will.
Have you thought about how it’s going to be when you two have kids? It doesnt sound like she is going to change nor your boyfriend’s attitude as he just wants to keep the peace and he is trying to so that by getting you to “try harder”
So, you either put up with it or move on. Imagine what its gonna be like when she starts criticizing your parenting skills. Personally, If she starts criticizing then I’d ask her to help clean since she can do a better job at it. And then dump the boyfriend