My wife was in a major accident over a decade ago that required major surgery and changed her brain chemistry. We didn’t know each other back then, but everyone has told me that she used to be very sweet. I’ve seen that side of her, the side I fell in love with, but she can snap over anything.
Just about any disagreement leads her in this downward spiral that causes fights. I am not lying or bullshitting when I say that EVERY argument we’ve ever had as a couple was started by my wife. She has very wild mood swings.
The fight that’s important to this thread first started because my wife left me stranded 40 miles from home at a gas station at 4 am after what should’ve been a very pointless argument. She instigated it, and when I snapped and started yelling back, she secretly recorded me. Then she played the audio back and said she was going to share it with people to “show that you’re actually toxic.” She’s aware that people, especially her family, have constantly warned me about her toxic traits.
I was so frustrated, I got out of the car.
She’s done that before (getting out of the car), but I’ve never left her. I did it for the first and only time and she abandoned me…
This caused a fight, and she left to her mom’s house.
After a few days, she came back and we tried to work through things.
We seemed to be moving in the right direction.
One night, my wife went to visit her parents and I went to watch a live sporting event. She knew exactly where I was. In fact, I was on TV most of the night because of where I was sitting. A lot of my friends even took pics/videos on instagram of me on their TV screens and tagged me.
My wife had a falling out with a friend recently, and she tried texting that (now former) friend, who ignored her texts. While I was at the sporting event, my wife went on IG and saw that this girl had liked one of my selfie posts earlier that night.
My wife began calling me, but the game was too loud. I didn’t know she was calling, so I didn’t answer. She sent me a ton of text messages accusing me of cheating, saying I was probably out fucking her (now former) friend.
I finally saw the texts while still at the game and responded with “Man, stfu! Why are you always like this???”
She blocked me. I couldn’t get a hold of her for hours. I ended up texting the ex-friend and basically said, “Hey, I know this is awkward, but can you text (Wife) and tell her there’s nothing going on between us?”
She never responded.
My wife eventually unblocked me, we spoke while I was driving home, and I admitted I texted her former friend.
My wife went ballistic. She hung up and blocked me again.
The next day, my mother-in-law called me and began telling me that I’m a loser and I don’t deserve her daughter. She wouldn’t let me get a word in at all. She just kept saying, “You’re a loser. You’re a loser! You’re a loser!!!”
I pulled the phone away from my ear and muttered, “Ok, bitch,” then hung up. I didn’t even think she heard me.
Well, she did. My wife called me soon after, screaming that I “fucked up big time” for calling her mom a bitch. My wife began mocking my parents, calling them foreigners, even though her biological dad and his entire family are foreigners, as well as her mom’s current husband, who raised my wife.
This sent me into a rage. I mocked something that my wife is very sensitive about. That was that.
All of this happened about 2 weeks ago. My wife proceeded to send texts to my family, telling them about all the personal things I’ve told her in confidence. My family was upset at first, but they came around to accepting that couples gossip/share secrets. They said it was wrong for her to tell them things I told her in confidence.
When we finally started speaking cordially again last week, my wife called me one night crying and saying she fucked up. She wants to make things right. I stupidly believed her. I cried and told her that we can work through this, we can seek out therapy, and we can be BETTER!
The very next day, she said she hated me for disrespecting her mom. The day after that, she wanted to work things out. Then the day after that day, she again began screaming on the phone that marrying me was the worst mistake she’s ever made.
These are the wild mood swings she has…
Her mom called me and said that my wife needed space, so they’d come get her things (furniture and clothes).
I asked multiple times if this is actually for space or if she is leaving me. They wouldn’t give me a concrete answer.
Today (Saturday), my wife and her mom came to the house with 2 guys they hired as movers. My wife & MIL were very cold with me.
When I left the room they were emptying, there was a lot of whispering going on. I walked back and overheard one of the movers asking if we were divorcing. My wife said, “Yeah. I don’t take L’s. Only lessons.”
I walked back in, they all stopped talking and looked at me. My wife said, “What the hell? Where’d you come from?”
I said, “Hey, say that again for me.”
My wife went into denial mode. “What are you talking about?”
I said, “You just told homey over here that we’re divorcing.”
She said, “No, I didn’t.”
I went downstairs and opened up a website I found on Google. I filled out a divorce document that was emailed to me to file at the local courthouse.
My brother came over, and as my wife, MIL & the movers were leaving, my MIL said to my wife, “Maybe you should’ve married his brother instead…”
Both my brother & I heard her say it. I snapped and started telling my MIL that she’s the devil in disguise.
There was a big argument, my brother pushing me away (I wasn’t being aggressive, just yelling back) while my wife & her mother kept yelling about how I will die alone, I don’t deserve my wife, etc.
When they left, I called my wife an hour or so later and asked her, “So do you want a divorce?”
She said, “Omg! Not this shit again” and hung up.
I immediately sent a text saying “Because I already filled out the forms.” I sent her a screenshot of the email.
She replied, “Thank you”
I tried calling again a bit later and I was blocked.
Fuck it.
I feel awful. My brother told me, “Bro, you’re so handsome. Everyone always says you can do better. Let this woman go.”
It sounds easy in practice. It’s just hard to accept that my marriage is ending over absolute bullshit.
How do I get over this? I decided to go out somewhere alone, felt too depressed and couldn’t enjoy myself. Now I’m sitting alone, listening to sad music while typing this out.
Yeah, it’s only been a few hours, but this seems like the end. I guess it’s better it’s happening now instead of years down the road, but I’m so hurt…
39 comments
Oh man. I feel for you dude. That’s no fun.
I don’t know if anyone has told you this, but what your wife is doing is mental and emotional abuse. Just because you sometimes snap and say some bad shit yourself doesn’t make this less abusive.
So yes, get a divorce. It will suck. You will second guess yourself. You will feel alone. But give it a week or two or maybe three… you will start to mentally relax. You will start to remember what life is like not being on the defensive 24/7. You will talk to your friends and family and remember what it’s like to have a conversation without walking on eggshells.
My big suggestion for you– hire a divorce lawyer. She is unstable. You don’t know what she will say or do. The few hundred bucks you spend on a consultation could save you big time.
do you really want the rest of your life to have this level of constant drama?
It sounds like it’s over. Like you said better now than years down the road. Relationships aren’t like this. I’ve been in several long term relationships and they have never been this toxic. You sound like a good person who is now at their breaking point. Take time to heal fully and go to therapy so you don’t make this mistake again. I wish you the best OP.
You have only been going through this in the last 6 months? If yes, consider yourself EXTREMELY lucky that you haven’t wasted more time and involved children. Right now you’re sad because you’re thinking of the warm & fuzzy memories and “what could have been”. You need to start focusing on the pain and just how fucked up you’ve been living these past months. Do yourself a huge favor and block your wife, MIL and any other relative of hers and tell your family to do the same. Don’t forget social media and change all of your passwords to everything even if you think she doesn’t know them. Close any joint bank account and credit card(s) too and get those divorce papers filed ASAP and if she’s moved out, change the locks on your house. You really should get an attorney and ensure that she doesn’t take you to the cleaners. Lastly, learn from this. You’ve seen plenty of red flags and be sure to apply them to future relationships. Those red flags appear, don’t make excuses, run. Anyway my friend I get the sadness, but from the dark of night the dawn will soon come and you will be a better person from it.
Your wife is a terrible person and the fact that shit has escalated to this level in only 6 months is so so so worrying….
The only attraction / bond / reason to second guess
Yourself is that you have a trauma bond with her.
Your addicted to the pain, stress, drama.
Let it go, it’ll be hard at first but gets exponentially easier with time.
Dude I know you didn’t dodge the bullet since you got married but hey you dodging the bullet because she won’t be able to take half your shit. Get every ounce of evidence and protect yourself and just tell yourself thank god I dodge this bullet because the way it was heading your life could have been completely ruined
My advice is make sure you get this cancer out of your life. She’ll have you in jail some day.
Please go to therapy. Your relationship isnt normal at all and you can’t bring leftovers of that shit to your next partner. Screaming and insulting isn’t okay.
I understand it hurts but sit down and write down about the good things and the bad things of that relationship, it will bring you clarity and then write down what you would like and what you don’t want in your next relationship.
Give yourself time and deal with this little by little, allow yourself to grieve the relationship and also the potential of the relationship.
1) Why did you marry this in the first place.
2) Run from this, a relationship does not need this much stress.
That was exhausting and I couldn’t even finish reading it. Seriously, just move on and be done with each other. You both are terrible to each other.
Y’all are equally toxic to each other. Work on yourself before you start another relationship.
Change the locks!!!
I have no idea why you would think of divorcing her. You two have such a great relationship.
😂 You brought this on yourself. I bet she was always like this yet you still chose to marry her six months ago. You ignored every red flag. Learn your lesson and don’t take this kind of shit from your next partner.
Why did you even get married or date if she was this insane? I would have left her a long time ago!
Go through with the divorce, get some counseling to sort through this dumpster fire and move on. You are fine, you reacted to her abuse and her family is enabling her and her behavior, making excuses. You don’t need that in your life, love isn’t enough here. Please don’t worry, you’ll be fine 💜 One day at a time.
I mean your Ex has a Traumatic Brain Injury to at least explain some of her toxic behaviour but what’s your excuse?
Leaving the relationship (**PERMANENTLY**) is absolutely the right thing to do but don’t get into another relationship before you’ve had a good hard look at your own behaviour too. Your Ex may be the instigator in these appalling fights but you sure as sh!t seemed ready to stoop to her level every single time.
Was she this way when you married her?
This is going to be the best decision you have ever made for yourself.
Your marriage isn’t over because of bullshit. It’s over because your wife and her family are abusive, she has trust issues, is controlling and is downright an awful person to you. She might have been different before her accident, but given her mum I truly doubt that she wouldn’t have at least some of the problems she has now despite that and it’s definitely not an excuse for her current behaviour with you. It’s always sad and surely tough to end things but it seems to be the best thing to do.
Honestly this was a shitshow.
It sounds like shes told her family youve cheated on her and probably said youre abusing her.
Id get in now and get a restrsining order on her if she stsrts acting out cause she sound slike the type to start turning up at the house being crazy.
Do NOT let yourself get to a point where she can worm her way back in.
If you can get this anulled in anyway due to her aggressive mental health, try to do it over divorce as you then may not have to pay alimony but it depends on whether you can prove you didnt kniw the extent of her aggression/abusive issues etc.
Any joint accounts, drain them now. Before she can.
Dont look back. You wont die alone. But if you continue in this circle of hell you’ll wish you could in a year or so. The drama of a hellish relationship can get addictive because its always high feeling and emotion (mistaken for passion a lot, hard break ups leading to hard make ups) but its not healthy for anyone involved and always escalates.
So do yourself a favour now. Close the book on this chapter in your life. Find someone new. Remember how nice it was to play the field, date new people ans have those honeymoon phases with someone who doesnt treat you like shit.
Look for someone who lifts you up in life. Not drags you down.
By this time next year you’re going to be thanking your lucky stars that you got off the crazy train. The simple fact is that your wife has issues that prevent her from being a good partner. Get a lawyer and follow through with the divorce. Make sure any communication with your wife goes through your attorney.
OP, let’s hope this was just a blip and you are not attracted to crazy women i general
You say ‘EVERY fight is her fault’ but it’s pretty clear from.your own telling that you are highly reactionary, blowing shit up and going from 0 to 60 in a split second. You do crap just to get a reaction out of her or to manipulate her into doing what you want. *’I’m going to divorce her! Should I divorce her?? I’m filling out the divorce papers this instant! Do you want a divorce though?? Because I filled out the divorce papers already. See!? Just say the word and I’ll… unless??’*
You’re both hostile, dramatic and hate to lose. You’re toxic together. End it already.
You’re doing the right thing. Just be glad you don’t have children with her. She’s obviously crazy and so are her family. Make sure every piece of communication between you and her going forward is between your divorcé attorneys. Don’t delete anything she sent you, that’s evidence.
How long did you date? A day?
I had the same thing. His issues were not from a brain injury but from extreme anxiety and past trauma. But the result was the same. He could be so happy and electric and loving and sweet. And then BAM, he was screaming at you for something you didn’t even know was bothering him. He was straight up abusive. And if you called him on it he said you were gaslighting him. If I had seen that side from the start I never would have even been attracted or fell in love.
He is still living rent free in my brain. But the eviction notice is on its way. OP, follow though with the divorce. This will only get worse, and damage you even more.
Never expect logical behavior from people that have scrambled brains. The two are mutually exclusive. No, it isn’t your wife’s fault that she has no control over her moods, although that issue could be somewhat addressed by medication. But you knew of the condition before you married her, so it’s isn’t as if such behavior should be a surprise to you.
Her mom, on the other hand, has no excuse. Anything claimed by her daughter while in the zone should have been suspect to her mom, until what she said could be confirmed by independent means.
Given the totality of the events in your post, I think it would be best for everyone involved that the marriage be annulled if possible, and if not, a divorce take place. Your ex would be back at home with her family, where she belongs, and you would be free to seek the company of a female that could deal with reality in a healthy way.
I wish you well.
Idk how you can even ask that question. For future reference don’t put your dick in crazy.
Neither you or your STBX need to be with each other. Take care of yourself, take some time to heal, find your own interests, hang out with your friends and love your life again. Then see what happens. Life is too short to be with such miserable people.
what…this is some high school like nonsense. you’re 32 years old, meet someone your age mentally and emotionally. you don’t need to be treated that way at all.
Wow. You really need to acknowledge that your relationship is a complete dumpster fire and the way to put it out is to get a divorce and completely cut contact with each other! You are not good for each other at all. Not even a little bit. Whew. Do it right away. You’re just damaging each other at this point.
FYI messaging the former friend and asking her to message your wife is such a horrible idea lol wtf
A TBI can cause these kinds of massive mood swings. Lack of impulse control and inability to manage emotions. While this is probably out of her control at this point, it sounds like her parents are enabling her behavior and minimizing her actions. They are probably working out the fear and grief they felt when she had the accident.
That said, you have every right to opt out of this life and future. There may be some guy out there with the patience and dedication to take this on, but it sounds like you aren’t that guy. It is however an unreasonable expectation to believe her family will take your side in this. Block them, move on and have a nice life. You don’t need to hate her or them, just acknowledge that this is beyond your ability to handle in a healthy way.
She’s moved out. No matter what she says or promises, don’t let her back in. She isn’t capable of getting better due to her previous injury. You filed for the divorce so let that process continue forward.
You cannot live with the stress and anxiety caused by her major mood swings and her and her mother’s accusations. You will be better off without her. You need time to heal from this.
You both sound beyond toxic.
You are also codependent in the toxicity and need to walk away
I couldn’t even finish reading everything..Jesus Christ
Let her go!
But seriously you sound remarkably codependent and passive-aggressive.