My husband (24 m) and I (22 F) have been together for about 6 years.
When we were dating, I would be the one to initiate any sort of intimacy (kissing, sex, cuddling.. literally anything), and this continued after we were married. I honestly didn’t think much of it at first until I noticed that if I didn’t pursue intimacy of any kind, he wouldn’t either.
We had a fight about it roughly a year or so ago, and he admitted to me that I’m not his type and that his type is the opposite body type of me and different hair color. This is more than just preference at this point as we are married and he has made it clear he’s simply not as attracted to me as he is other women.
He never flirts with me, he never does anything romantic, and I could walk in the room nude and it still wouldn’t catch his attention.. He has made comments about all parts of my body that have honestly destroyed my self confidence. Anytime I recieve a compliment or he catches someone checking me out, he ensures to tear me down for it. Comments about my weight, breast size, and even backhanded compliments about sex with me. He once sent me a link to kegel balls after telling me that I’ve “slightly improved in bed since we’ve been together.”
Despite it all, he is the only person I have in my life anymore, and he’s gotten me through a lot. He has lots of great qualities, and I don’t want it to seem like he’s a terrible man. I do love him and have always tried to make him feel secure in our relationship. I’m just not sure what else to do besides change every aspect of my appearance and that feels like I’m betraying who I am. I’ve contemplated leaving, but it seems unrealistic right now. I do still love him deeply.
TL;DR – My husband isn’t attracted to me, and it’s hurting my self esteem and confidence. Is it possible to save the marriage or is it a total loss?
21 comments
Personally, I think a relationship with someone who isn’t attracted to you is bad, and that it is unethical to get into a relationship with someone you are not attracted to without them knowing that upfront. So, I would recommend breaking this up. But he isn’t just not attracted to you – he deliberately hurts you when other people compliment you. He outright wants you to feel bad and unattractive, not just to him, but in general. This is deeply disturbing. It’s not just abusive; it’s sadistic. Most likely, he actively enjoys your suffering, and his goal is to make you feel bad.
People who love you do not try to tear you down.
a relationship doesn’t have to entirely be about appearance and attraction but sexual attraction sure as hell plays a fundamental role in a long lasting relationship. ultimately i fear he may end up resenting you if you two don’t separate or perhaps go to counseling? I do not agree with you changing your appearance to match his type, but it’s disheartening to hear how he agreed to marriage if the baseline attraction wasn’t there.
and i do believe you when you say you’re in love with him, but you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like ur the only girl he has eyes for. someone who can’t wait to come home and give you the affection you deserve. i wish you all the best.
You don’t want to make him seem like a terrible man…But he is a terrible man!!
I honestly wouldn’t even classify him as a man; he is more like an emotionally immature POS.
The only excuse he really has for his behavior is that he is young and wasn’t raised right and that’s not even a good enough excuse for the things he’s said and Done.
Sit him down, have a serious heart-to-heart, and give him a chance to correct his dumbass ways, just for the sake of the marriage. But if he doesn’t, give him the boot and find you a real man.
Trust me, theres a billion guys on this earth that are way better than your husband, and they would love to have the opportunity to show you how a lady is supposed to be treated.
He is verbally abusing you to the point where you can’t even receive a compliment. You don’t deserve that and you really need to leave but only when you’re ready. Im sorry but somebody who does that to you doesn’t love you. He can go get his “type” which is what he should have done in the first place.
Do you think he’s faithful to you?
The fact that he’s the only person in your life and you no longer have any self confidence is his design. He’s emotionally abusing you to make sure you won’t leave. You have to leave.
Why is he the only person in your life anymore?
No, without physical, intellectual attraction it isn’t worth staying in a relationship.
“He has lots of great qualities” Really?? How many times have we heard this
You’re 22. You’re on your prime. You should be dating around and finding someone who’s crazy about you if you want to, not stay tied to this loser who’s “she’ll do for now”-ing you.
He’s emotionally abusing you that isn’t love! Why settle? There are good men out there who will uplift you, love every part of you inside and out not sit there and distory you. You deserve so much more! Deep down can you really say you love him? Can you really love a man who hurts you so much? Or is it more that you’re too scared to be alone so you’ve settled? You could have a good partner one day but you can’t find them if you’re stuck with the wrong person.
Has he told you alot that you should be greatful for things he has done for you? Has he stopped you (or made you think it’s your own idea) to cut contact with friends and family?
You can be happy and free.
Why are you married at 22 to someone who seems to not want to have sex with you?
Wow! It makes my heart hurt to see how badly he has torn you down. He has you convinced he is the only person in your life and he has stolen your shine.
Honey, this is all part of his controlling and abuse to keep you right where he wants you. I truly hope you will find the strength to leave this asshole.
You deserve to have someone who loves you for your heart which obviously he doesn’t.
You need to watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix. He’s a comedian with a very insightful take on relationships.
You got married too young to an emotional abuser. Sounds like he’s isolated you since you say you have no one else, and he’s ensuring that you have no confidence so you won’t leave him. No decent man acts like this. Divorce while you’re young, you can absolutely fine a decent man.
I’m going to say this OP. LISTEN UP.
This guy you married only married you TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE.
Any man that tears a woman’s confidence IS NOT A MAN, BUT A BULLY.
YOU MARRIED a bully who’s objective is TO SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU BECAUSE HE IS A MISERABLE PIECE OF 💩
HE WONT CHANGE, EVER. AND DONT CONSIDER HAVING KIDS WITH HIM. He will teach the kids to hate you too.
You are young. GTFO.
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. Please see a counselor so you can understand why you felt the need to maintain a relationship with someone who is not mentally and emotionally healthy.
I’m betting you are co-dependent and a people pleaser. I’m glad you are waking up to the people pleasing aspect of your personality.
Reread your post and imagine your daughter is asking you this about her husband. What would your answer be?
I can’t read any more of your comments, OP. This man is clearly abusive and is tearing you down any chance he gets. Any “improvements” he’s made are just to keep you in his grasp. He gets off on making you feel small and he’s ground down your self esteem to the point where any crumb he gives you like “putting up with your animals” you latch onto like it’s praise from Jesus himself.
I doubt I’ll get through to you, no matter what I tell you about how I know what I know. Just file this away for later. Anyone can get trapped in an abusive relationship. You are worthy of love, and someone who loves you for who you are and who treats you well. You do not deserve to be treated like this.
Your husband is being an asshole to you, straight up.
Lifes too short to be putting up with negative attention.
This is emotional and mental abuse. He’s intentionally cut you off from all support systems and torn down your self confidence to keep you there so he can use you. I just watched a friend go through this same issue and it escalated to physical and sexual abuse, drinking issues, and self harm thoughts by the time she was able to leave. Do what’s best for you and leave while you have the chance.